Andrew Peters's Blog: Andrew's Blog
December 5, 2013
"Subtraction" Free promotion
I ran a 5-day free promotion of my 60s Las Vegas crime novel Subtraction from 30 Nov-4 Dec
I'm not a marketing genius, and it was publicised mainly via Facebook & Twitter
The total downloads were 5673 made up as follows
USA 2636
UK 2975
DE 15
FR 4
IT 4
JP 3
IN 12
CA 27
AU 7
The good citizens of Brazil, Mexico & (my country of residence) Spain were not impressed.
Downloads peaked in the USA on Day 1, in the UK on Day 2. Best day was day 2 with around 1350, worst was day 4 with around 990
It was #1 in its 2 categories (Hard-boiled & Historical Crime) in the UK virtually the whole time. Also got to #1 in both categories in the USA. Made#11 in the entire Amazon free chart and into the top 150 for a bit in the USA
Thanks to all who shared, retweeted & of course downloaded.
Now to see if anyone reads it, tells all their friends, buys my other 12 etc etc etc
I'm not a marketing genius, and it was publicised mainly via Facebook & Twitter
The total downloads were 5673 made up as follows
USA 2636
UK 2975
DE 15
FR 4
IT 4
JP 3
IN 12
CA 27
AU 7
The good citizens of Brazil, Mexico & (my country of residence) Spain were not impressed.
Downloads peaked in the USA on Day 1, in the UK on Day 2. Best day was day 2 with around 1350, worst was day 4 with around 990
It was #1 in its 2 categories (Hard-boiled & Historical Crime) in the UK virtually the whole time. Also got to #1 in both categories in the USA. Made#11 in the entire Amazon free chart and into the top 150 for a bit in the USA
Thanks to all who shared, retweeted & of course downloaded.
Now to see if anyone reads it, tells all their friends, buys my other 12 etc etc etc
December 1, 2013
FREE promotion of "Subtraction"
My completely wonderful masterpiece crime novel "Subtraction", set in '60s Las Vegas is FREE for your Kindle from 1-4 September.
It's already #1 in both Hardboiled & Historical Crime Fiction on both sides of the Atlantic (bigheaded? who, me?)
UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00FEKPRVS
USA link
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FEKPRVS
Help yourselves....tell both your friends
It's already #1 in both Hardboiled & Historical Crime Fiction on both sides of the Atlantic (bigheaded? who, me?)
UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00FEKPRVS
USA link
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FEKPRVS
Help yourselves....tell both your friends
March 16, 2013
The Blues Detective
I am feeling generous (or do I mean desperate?), so I have decided to make The Blues Detective FREE on Amazon this weekend. It's already up to #6 in the UK Humour chart and #6 in the USA Crime chart....so I suppose it must be Crime/Humour.
The adventures of Otis King a Welsh Detective in Memphis. It makes me laugh....maybe you too?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B008PB1S66
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008PB1S66
Help yourself, feel free to tell all your friends
The adventures of Otis King a Welsh Detective in Memphis. It makes me laugh....maybe you too?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B008PB1S66
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008PB1S66
Help yourself, feel free to tell all your friends
February 15, 2013
A Very British Blog Tour
There's another Blog game going around, called the British Blog Tour....I was invited to participate by the wonderful Maria Savva. Here are the questions and my enlightening answers.
Q. Where were you born and where do you live at the moment?
I was born in the sunshine paradise of Barry Island on the Costa Del Glamorgan. My parents were foolish enough to move to the Manchester area when I was ten and, despite an appeal to Social Services I was forced to accompany them.I moved around the UK a lot, but managed to escape in 2004. I now live in a small Spanish village, where beer and wine are cheap, and the women and cats are beautiful and affectionate.
OK, just the cats.
Q. Have you always lived and worked in Britain or are you based elsewhere at the moment?
Worked abroad a lot when I was a musician, and I'm in Spain now....pay attention!
Q. Which is your favourite part of Britain?
The departure lounge at Bristol Airport. I feel very little connection with Britain these days..
Q. Have you ‘highlighted’ or ‘showcased’ any particular part of Britain in your books? For example, a town or city; a county, a monument or some well-known place or event?
My recent masterpiece "The Barry Island Murders" is set in....oh, go on, guess...but it's based in the sixties and on my memories of childhood there. I made the main character an elderly drunk, so any inaccuracies are entirely due to his absent-mindedness.
My current work of genius "Joe Soap" takes place around Hastings, because that's the last place I lived in when I was in Britain. It's probably all changed now, so I'll get people moaning that The Old Town Fish Shop closed in 2011 or something.
Q. There is an illusion – or myth if you wish - about British people that I would like you to discuss. Many see the ‘Brits’ as ‘stiff upper lip’. Is that correct?
I rather miss the traditional "Stiff Upper Lip" where everyone just shut up and got on with things rather than being "traumatised", "devastated", "going to hell and back" and all the other cheap superlatives that get bandied about. There can't be a minor actor who hasn't spoken out about being bullied at school, come out as bi-polar, or opened up about their struggle with depression, dyslexia, ADHD or whatever.
Some people really do suffer dreadfully in life and need sympathy and help. Most of us don't and should shut up and get on with things. I liked that Mr Spock's attitude.
Q. Do any of the characters in your books carry the ‘stiff upper lip’? Or are they all ‘British Bulldog’ and unique in their own way?
My characters don't whine much and are not prone to emotional outbursts. Gwyneth Paltrow will not be required for the film adaptation.
Q. Tell us about one of your recent books
The Barry Island Murders features the reminiscences of a retired drunken policeman on his early cases fifty years before, when bodies kept turning up in strange places.It's absolutely brilliant.
Q. What are you currently working on?
Joe Soap....the story of an obnoxious, third-rate, Kindle detective story writer who starts murdering total strangers.
Any resemblance to any third-rate writers, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Q. How do you spend your leisure time?
Walking by the lake, cycling, playing the guitar, drinking heavily, churning out cheap stories and playing with the cats.
Q. Do you write for a local audience or a global audience?
Well, the local audience doesn't speak English, the global audience has never heard of me, so I suspect I write for the dozen people on Facebook who have a couple of quid to spare and wish to humour me.
Q. Can you provide links to your work?
Here's my Amazon page
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Andrew-Peters...
I don't plan to tag anyone for this without asking....if anyone is interested, feel free to contact me and I'll add you.
Q. Where were you born and where do you live at the moment?
I was born in the sunshine paradise of Barry Island on the Costa Del Glamorgan. My parents were foolish enough to move to the Manchester area when I was ten and, despite an appeal to Social Services I was forced to accompany them.I moved around the UK a lot, but managed to escape in 2004. I now live in a small Spanish village, where beer and wine are cheap, and the women and cats are beautiful and affectionate.
OK, just the cats.
Q. Have you always lived and worked in Britain or are you based elsewhere at the moment?
Worked abroad a lot when I was a musician, and I'm in Spain now....pay attention!
Q. Which is your favourite part of Britain?
The departure lounge at Bristol Airport. I feel very little connection with Britain these days..
Q. Have you ‘highlighted’ or ‘showcased’ any particular part of Britain in your books? For example, a town or city; a county, a monument or some well-known place or event?
My recent masterpiece "The Barry Island Murders" is set in....oh, go on, guess...but it's based in the sixties and on my memories of childhood there. I made the main character an elderly drunk, so any inaccuracies are entirely due to his absent-mindedness.
My current work of genius "Joe Soap" takes place around Hastings, because that's the last place I lived in when I was in Britain. It's probably all changed now, so I'll get people moaning that The Old Town Fish Shop closed in 2011 or something.
Q. There is an illusion – or myth if you wish - about British people that I would like you to discuss. Many see the ‘Brits’ as ‘stiff upper lip’. Is that correct?
I rather miss the traditional "Stiff Upper Lip" where everyone just shut up and got on with things rather than being "traumatised", "devastated", "going to hell and back" and all the other cheap superlatives that get bandied about. There can't be a minor actor who hasn't spoken out about being bullied at school, come out as bi-polar, or opened up about their struggle with depression, dyslexia, ADHD or whatever.
Some people really do suffer dreadfully in life and need sympathy and help. Most of us don't and should shut up and get on with things. I liked that Mr Spock's attitude.
Q. Do any of the characters in your books carry the ‘stiff upper lip’? Or are they all ‘British Bulldog’ and unique in their own way?
My characters don't whine much and are not prone to emotional outbursts. Gwyneth Paltrow will not be required for the film adaptation.
Q. Tell us about one of your recent books
The Barry Island Murders features the reminiscences of a retired drunken policeman on his early cases fifty years before, when bodies kept turning up in strange places.It's absolutely brilliant.
Q. What are you currently working on?
Joe Soap....the story of an obnoxious, third-rate, Kindle detective story writer who starts murdering total strangers.
Any resemblance to any third-rate writers, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Q. How do you spend your leisure time?
Walking by the lake, cycling, playing the guitar, drinking heavily, churning out cheap stories and playing with the cats.
Q. Do you write for a local audience or a global audience?
Well, the local audience doesn't speak English, the global audience has never heard of me, so I suspect I write for the dozen people on Facebook who have a couple of quid to spare and wish to humour me.
Q. Can you provide links to your work?
Here's my Amazon page
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Andrew-Peters...
I don't plan to tag anyone for this without asking....if anyone is interested, feel free to contact me and I'll add you.
February 6, 2013
FREE...The Venusian Vamp
I wrote this silly short story back in September....then gave it away free in October. I suspect anyone who wanted it must have downloaded it then...but I might as well use the free days up, so if you missed it the first time, feel free.
Proust it ain't but there's a chuckle or two in there if you share my sense of humour.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B009VK3GW...
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B009VK3GWY#r...
Proust it ain't but there's a chuckle or two in there if you share my sense of humour.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B009VK3GW...
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B009VK3GWY#r...
December 31, 2012
Increase your life expectancy
Increase your life expectancy
Here I am in picturesque West Wales, enduring my fifth day of unremitting rain and howling wind as the nation gears up to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday. Saundersfoot is by no means a throbbing mass of excitement at the best of times, despite the prospect of tomorrow’s New Year swim by a collection of masochistic nutters desperate to see their photo in next week’s Tenby Times (probably in the Obituaries column!). In the circumstances I am forced to seek my entertainment in Mother’s collection of classic crime literature, in both book and DVD formats. All the greats are represented: Christie, Sayers, Marsh, Allingham, Wallace, Wentworth and even my humble self (though Mother is forbidden to read mine, due to all the swearing and graphic sex!). I have read, watched and learned much, so am here today to pass on my wisdom to you.
I shall start with some tips on increasing your life expectancy. No, no......not the tedious advice on cutting down on your pleasures and upping your exercise regime that you will find in the New Year editions of all the papers. My suggestions are far more important and immediate, since they will prevent you being messily slaughtered in the next week. Read, mark, inwardly digest. You’ll thank me later, if you’re still around!
1. Do not alter your will
This especially applies to people of mature years and great wealth. No matter how your family may have upset you, or how attractive that young actress appears, leave your will exactly as it is. It is even more important not to announce your intention of altering the will tomorrow. If you are telephoning your lawyer to show up at your place after dinner tonight, you might just as well ring the doctor and undertaker at the same time, and start making a list of your favourite hymns.
2. Do not re-marry
Almost always a mistake, especially if your new spouse is decades younger and millions poorer than you. If you really must risk it, at least check their history....to paraphrase Oscar “To lose one husband to a sudden gastric attack can be construed as a misfortune....etc..etc etc”
3. Do not sign any Life Insurance policies
Especially in your new husband’s favour two days after the honeymoon.
4. Do not attempt to blackmail any murderers
I mean, come on! They’ve already slaughtered three people in cold blood, and you’ve arranged to meet them down by the boathouse at midnight on the off chance that they’ll bung you 500 quid for your silence? Are you familiar with the phrase “Too stupid to live”?
5. Watch your diet
Under no circumstances eat any mushrooms, shellfish or curried mutton, especially served to you at large family gatherings or by a new spouse (see #2).
6. Watch what you say
You should never intimate that you might know who the murderer is, or might have spotted a discrepancy in an alibi. Specifically, you should refrain from calling up the police, asking to speak to the Detective Inspector urgently and then declining to leave a message when he is not available. Faster just to shoot yourself.
7. Choose your social contacts wisely
Do not invite Hercule Poirot down for Christmas, never go on a cruise with Jane Marple and never ever accept a weekend invitation if Jessica Fletcher is on the guest list.
8. Buy the right ticket in the postcode lottery
Never be persuaded to buy a house in a village whose name contains the word “Midsomer”.
.......and for those of you who prefer the films....
Never....
.....have a one-night stand with a man called Bond....learn from the fates of Jill Masterton, Plenty O’Toole, Strawberry Fields etc etc
...........attend the opening of the world’s tallest building, or buy a ticket for the maiden voyage of a new ship or aeroplane.
.........pop down the basement to see why the boiler isn’t working and check up on why your four young friends haven’t come back up yet.
.......allow yourself to be partnered with Dirty Harry.
Happy New Year.....be careful out there!
Here I am in picturesque West Wales, enduring my fifth day of unremitting rain and howling wind as the nation gears up to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday. Saundersfoot is by no means a throbbing mass of excitement at the best of times, despite the prospect of tomorrow’s New Year swim by a collection of masochistic nutters desperate to see their photo in next week’s Tenby Times (probably in the Obituaries column!). In the circumstances I am forced to seek my entertainment in Mother’s collection of classic crime literature, in both book and DVD formats. All the greats are represented: Christie, Sayers, Marsh, Allingham, Wallace, Wentworth and even my humble self (though Mother is forbidden to read mine, due to all the swearing and graphic sex!). I have read, watched and learned much, so am here today to pass on my wisdom to you.
I shall start with some tips on increasing your life expectancy. No, no......not the tedious advice on cutting down on your pleasures and upping your exercise regime that you will find in the New Year editions of all the papers. My suggestions are far more important and immediate, since they will prevent you being messily slaughtered in the next week. Read, mark, inwardly digest. You’ll thank me later, if you’re still around!
1. Do not alter your will
This especially applies to people of mature years and great wealth. No matter how your family may have upset you, or how attractive that young actress appears, leave your will exactly as it is. It is even more important not to announce your intention of altering the will tomorrow. If you are telephoning your lawyer to show up at your place after dinner tonight, you might just as well ring the doctor and undertaker at the same time, and start making a list of your favourite hymns.
2. Do not re-marry
Almost always a mistake, especially if your new spouse is decades younger and millions poorer than you. If you really must risk it, at least check their history....to paraphrase Oscar “To lose one husband to a sudden gastric attack can be construed as a misfortune....etc..etc etc”
3. Do not sign any Life Insurance policies
Especially in your new husband’s favour two days after the honeymoon.
4. Do not attempt to blackmail any murderers
I mean, come on! They’ve already slaughtered three people in cold blood, and you’ve arranged to meet them down by the boathouse at midnight on the off chance that they’ll bung you 500 quid for your silence? Are you familiar with the phrase “Too stupid to live”?
5. Watch your diet
Under no circumstances eat any mushrooms, shellfish or curried mutton, especially served to you at large family gatherings or by a new spouse (see #2).
6. Watch what you say
You should never intimate that you might know who the murderer is, or might have spotted a discrepancy in an alibi. Specifically, you should refrain from calling up the police, asking to speak to the Detective Inspector urgently and then declining to leave a message when he is not available. Faster just to shoot yourself.
7. Choose your social contacts wisely
Do not invite Hercule Poirot down for Christmas, never go on a cruise with Jane Marple and never ever accept a weekend invitation if Jessica Fletcher is on the guest list.
8. Buy the right ticket in the postcode lottery
Never be persuaded to buy a house in a village whose name contains the word “Midsomer”.
.......and for those of you who prefer the films....
Never....
.....have a one-night stand with a man called Bond....learn from the fates of Jill Masterton, Plenty O’Toole, Strawberry Fields etc etc
...........attend the opening of the world’s tallest building, or buy a ticket for the maiden voyage of a new ship or aeroplane.
.........pop down the basement to see why the boiler isn’t working and check up on why your four young friends haven’t come back up yet.
.......allow yourself to be partnered with Dirty Harry.
Happy New Year.....be careful out there!
December 19, 2012
Christmas Story
I was feeling really festive, so I wrote a special Blues Detective Christmas story......er.....in October. It's exactly the same as all the others, same characters, same joke and many of the same words....but it comes with tinsel, presents, a dance and a Christmas film.
Since it's the season of goodwill...it's yours FREEEE for the next few days
Here
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Blues-Detecti...
and here
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AP8YVMU
Help yourself...and feel free to pass on the links to other lovers of free Christmas stories featuring Welsh Blues Detectives in Memphis.
If you're not a Kindle owner....message me and I can send it in some other format
Merry Christmas!!
Since it's the season of goodwill...it's yours FREEEE for the next few days
Here
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Blues-Detecti...
and here
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AP8YVMU
Help yourself...and feel free to pass on the links to other lovers of free Christmas stories featuring Welsh Blues Detectives in Memphis.
If you're not a Kindle owner....message me and I can send it in some other format
Merry Christmas!!
November 27, 2012
The Next Big Thing
I have been requested by the estimable Zoë Sharp to take part in the Next Big Thing game, where I answer ten questions to tell the world about my next masterpiece and then find some other writers to do likewise. So here we go....
1) What is the title of your book?
The Barry Island Murders
2) Where did the idea come from?
The voices in my head. I wanted to try to write a crime-type story, but not the modern "whacky" soccer-mom/realtor/cake-shop owner/pensioner on her 17th murder-case type, nor the miserablist 500 page ritual serial-killer sending body-parts to the alcoholic Detective Inspector with marriage problems thing. I wanted to try something a bit more realistic, rather than a puzzle full of twists with a neat unexpected ending. These things happen all the time in books, but almost never in real life. These stories don't really play by the rules of crime books, there aren't a group of suspects, sometimes the police don't manage to catch the bad guys.... I thought I'd set it back in the 60s, and in Barry Island, where I grew up.
3) What genre best defines your book?
Nostalgic Welsh crime humour.
4) What actors would you choose to play your characters in a film?
I don't really know any modern actors, but David Jason might work for the older version of Williams, and someone like the young Roger Moore for the 60s version. I'd prefer to leave these decisions until the bidding war for the film rights dies down.
5) What is the one-sentence synopsis?
Retired Policeman "Williams Of The Yard" narrates his early murder cases in a South Wales seaside town to a rather bored Daily Mail reporter in a bar.
6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
Wait a minute....there's someone at the door....is it a frenzied mob of agents and publishers, fighting for the rights? No, it's the postlady with the gas bill. Looks like more self-publishing and self-publicising to my half-dozen adoring fans.
7) How long did it take you to write the first draft?
Four days
8) What other books would you compare this story to within
your genre?
I am, of course, unique.....just like everyone else. I don't read many books, so I'm not an expert on what's out there now.
9) Who or what inspired you to write this book?
A desire to be stinking rich, world famous and incredibly successful with large numbers of attractive women.
It could happen.
10) What else about the book might pique the reader's interest?
It's quite short, rather cheap and very funny....rather like myself.
The Barry Island Murders will be released upon the waiting world sometime in the next month or so.
So, now let's find some authors to pass the baton on to....since I'm a soft-boiled wimp....let's try 3 writers of gritty thrillers......
Andrew French writer of Assassin's Run & The Ares File http://www.amazon.co.uk/Andrew-French...
Andrew Scorah purveyor of the Dalton series, including Homecoming Blues and BorderTown Blues
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Andrew-Scorah...
and Ian Graham...author of Patriots & Tyrants http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ian-Graham/e/...
1) What is the title of your book?
The Barry Island Murders
2) Where did the idea come from?
The voices in my head. I wanted to try to write a crime-type story, but not the modern "whacky" soccer-mom/realtor/cake-shop owner/pensioner on her 17th murder-case type, nor the miserablist 500 page ritual serial-killer sending body-parts to the alcoholic Detective Inspector with marriage problems thing. I wanted to try something a bit more realistic, rather than a puzzle full of twists with a neat unexpected ending. These things happen all the time in books, but almost never in real life. These stories don't really play by the rules of crime books, there aren't a group of suspects, sometimes the police don't manage to catch the bad guys.... I thought I'd set it back in the 60s, and in Barry Island, where I grew up.
3) What genre best defines your book?
Nostalgic Welsh crime humour.
4) What actors would you choose to play your characters in a film?
I don't really know any modern actors, but David Jason might work for the older version of Williams, and someone like the young Roger Moore for the 60s version. I'd prefer to leave these decisions until the bidding war for the film rights dies down.
5) What is the one-sentence synopsis?
Retired Policeman "Williams Of The Yard" narrates his early murder cases in a South Wales seaside town to a rather bored Daily Mail reporter in a bar.
6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
Wait a minute....there's someone at the door....is it a frenzied mob of agents and publishers, fighting for the rights? No, it's the postlady with the gas bill. Looks like more self-publishing and self-publicising to my half-dozen adoring fans.
7) How long did it take you to write the first draft?
Four days
8) What other books would you compare this story to within
your genre?
I am, of course, unique.....just like everyone else. I don't read many books, so I'm not an expert on what's out there now.
9) Who or what inspired you to write this book?
A desire to be stinking rich, world famous and incredibly successful with large numbers of attractive women.
It could happen.
10) What else about the book might pique the reader's interest?
It's quite short, rather cheap and very funny....rather like myself.
The Barry Island Murders will be released upon the waiting world sometime in the next month or so.
So, now let's find some authors to pass the baton on to....since I'm a soft-boiled wimp....let's try 3 writers of gritty thrillers......
Andrew French writer of Assassin's Run & The Ares File http://www.amazon.co.uk/Andrew-French...
Andrew Scorah purveyor of the Dalton series, including Homecoming Blues and BorderTown Blues
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Andrew-Scorah...
and Ian Graham...author of Patriots & Tyrants http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ian-Graham/e/...
November 19, 2012
Boosting Your November Novel Wordcount (Cynic?Moi?)
You may well have seen the internet game going round, whereby people decide to write a 50,000 word novel during November. If you reach the magic wordcount, you get a nice certificate to show to all your friends. I have noticed that many people seem to be strugling, posting plaintive "I'm 2,000 words behind" "I didn't make my word count today" type stuff.
Worry not! Help is at hand! Here's Andy's infallible guide to PADDING IT OUT. Guaranteed to get you back on track.
1. Describe EVERYTHING
Ensure that each noun is preceded by at least 2 adjectives and that every sentence contains an adverb.
No more of this "She walked over and opened the door," stuff.
"She walked briskly across the cold, stone floor towards the heavy, brown, wooden door, where she tentatively grasped the old, black, iron knob before firmly turning it anti-clockwise and sharply pulling it towards her."
2. Clothing
Never let a character flit through your novel without describing what they are wearing in minute detail. Yes, even the barman. Start every day with the main character dressing.
3.Smoking
ALL your main characters need to smoke. This enables you to precede every action with offering and lighting of cigarettes, deep draws being taken, smoke being sucked deep into lungs, cigarettes being sharply crushed out, people thoughtfully looking at the smoke as it curls upwards.Even if the scene takes place underwater or in a cathedral, the hero can still spend a couple of sentences thinking about how badly he needs a cigarette. And don't forget to mention which brand....there may be a product placement deal in it for you.
4. Food....an absolute godsend.
Three times a day you can tell your eager reader the processes involved in making (or ordering) food, setting the table and finally consuming it. Any important conversation should always take place at mealtimes, so you can double the length of each sentence.
"So how do you figure it?" he asked slowly, as he helped himself to a serving of the delicious home-made spinach lasagne.
"I dunno," she replied slowly, savouring the crunch of the fresh salad vegetables on her palate.
And don't forget the exact coffee recipe, and which chain it has to come from (see product placement above!)
5. Makers' names.
NEVER allow your hero to pull out a mere "gun" or jump into a "car". It's a gold -plated Chanel#5 .38 Magnum Spineblaster with sandalwood stock and teflon-impregnated bullets. It's a canary yellow four-wheel drive 2012 Tossmobile with the 3.8 engine,pink velour seats and competition shocks. Handbags, shoes, underwear, they all need to be named.
6. Travel
Spell it out for us.
"He flew to Chicago"????
I think not.
There are tickets to be bought, bags to be checked in (Or not, most heroes NEVER check in a bag)...coffee to be drunk in the departure area, stewardesses to be smiled at when boarding, seats to be settled into, inflight meals to be consumed, movies to be watched or ignored, landings to be experienced, passports to be shown, baggage reclaim to be ignored.........WAKE UP AT THE BACK!!
If he's in a car, describe the city....many readers have never visited a city and will be grateful for the information.
Now, let's describe the hotel....and dinner of course.
7. Send them jogging
Ah yes, a real word booster, used by famous writers the world over. Milhone, Spenser, Poirot....all the great detectives do it to clear their thought processes. If you can't burn up 2000 words with them changing clothes, stretching, setting off, an extensive travelogue of the beachfront area followed by showering and changing, then you're really not trying.
8. Send them to the bedroom.
You can do this three or four times per book and use up 10 pages a time.The beauty of it is that you don't even need to write it yourself. Merely cut and paste it from the novel of your choice. (OK, maybe use a different novel for each time they do it....though they'll all be identical anyway.)
9. Backstory.
A sure -fire winner. Every character who makes even a fleeting appearance should have his childhood, university qualifications, job history, romantic involvements and personal problems laid out for us. Never mind how you know, you're the author, you invented them, we need to know!
10. Tell us the plot again
All readers have short attention spans, so will forget what has happened earlier. You can remind them subtly by introducing new characters regularly and having the hero explain to them exactly what has happened so far.In detail.
So, use all my tips and then press TOOLS, WORDCOUNT and you'll soon see the magic 50,000 figure arrive.
You're welcome.
Worry not! Help is at hand! Here's Andy's infallible guide to PADDING IT OUT. Guaranteed to get you back on track.
1. Describe EVERYTHING
Ensure that each noun is preceded by at least 2 adjectives and that every sentence contains an adverb.
No more of this "She walked over and opened the door," stuff.
"She walked briskly across the cold, stone floor towards the heavy, brown, wooden door, where she tentatively grasped the old, black, iron knob before firmly turning it anti-clockwise and sharply pulling it towards her."
2. Clothing
Never let a character flit through your novel without describing what they are wearing in minute detail. Yes, even the barman. Start every day with the main character dressing.
3.Smoking
ALL your main characters need to smoke. This enables you to precede every action with offering and lighting of cigarettes, deep draws being taken, smoke being sucked deep into lungs, cigarettes being sharply crushed out, people thoughtfully looking at the smoke as it curls upwards.Even if the scene takes place underwater or in a cathedral, the hero can still spend a couple of sentences thinking about how badly he needs a cigarette. And don't forget to mention which brand....there may be a product placement deal in it for you.
4. Food....an absolute godsend.
Three times a day you can tell your eager reader the processes involved in making (or ordering) food, setting the table and finally consuming it. Any important conversation should always take place at mealtimes, so you can double the length of each sentence.
"So how do you figure it?" he asked slowly, as he helped himself to a serving of the delicious home-made spinach lasagne.
"I dunno," she replied slowly, savouring the crunch of the fresh salad vegetables on her palate.
And don't forget the exact coffee recipe, and which chain it has to come from (see product placement above!)
5. Makers' names.
NEVER allow your hero to pull out a mere "gun" or jump into a "car". It's a gold -plated Chanel#5 .38 Magnum Spineblaster with sandalwood stock and teflon-impregnated bullets. It's a canary yellow four-wheel drive 2012 Tossmobile with the 3.8 engine,pink velour seats and competition shocks. Handbags, shoes, underwear, they all need to be named.
6. Travel
Spell it out for us.
"He flew to Chicago"????
I think not.
There are tickets to be bought, bags to be checked in (Or not, most heroes NEVER check in a bag)...coffee to be drunk in the departure area, stewardesses to be smiled at when boarding, seats to be settled into, inflight meals to be consumed, movies to be watched or ignored, landings to be experienced, passports to be shown, baggage reclaim to be ignored.........WAKE UP AT THE BACK!!
If he's in a car, describe the city....many readers have never visited a city and will be grateful for the information.
Now, let's describe the hotel....and dinner of course.
7. Send them jogging
Ah yes, a real word booster, used by famous writers the world over. Milhone, Spenser, Poirot....all the great detectives do it to clear their thought processes. If you can't burn up 2000 words with them changing clothes, stretching, setting off, an extensive travelogue of the beachfront area followed by showering and changing, then you're really not trying.
8. Send them to the bedroom.
You can do this three or four times per book and use up 10 pages a time.The beauty of it is that you don't even need to write it yourself. Merely cut and paste it from the novel of your choice. (OK, maybe use a different novel for each time they do it....though they'll all be identical anyway.)
9. Backstory.
A sure -fire winner. Every character who makes even a fleeting appearance should have his childhood, university qualifications, job history, romantic involvements and personal problems laid out for us. Never mind how you know, you're the author, you invented them, we need to know!
10. Tell us the plot again
All readers have short attention spans, so will forget what has happened earlier. You can remind them subtly by introducing new characters regularly and having the hero explain to them exactly what has happened so far.In detail.
So, use all my tips and then press TOOLS, WORDCOUNT and you'll soon see the magic 50,000 figure arrive.
You're welcome.
November 11, 2012
A Shot For The Blues Detective
Well, people kept telling me I should write a novel, but my attention span is short. It just seemed to me that I'd have to start putting in all the things I normally leave out. The car and plane journeys in minute detail, the meetings, the explanations of how to make coffee, pages of backstory for every character, descriptions of people's clothes, more coffee, all the meals they ate, the endless conversations, plenty of graphic violence, sex and coffee. Plus, I'd have to find some semblance of a plot.
Too hard for me, so it seemed I wouldn't be joining the ranks of the airport blockbusters. No millions for me.
But what if The Blues Detective had a slightly more complicated case than usual? One that puzzled him even more than normal? Might I reach the mythical 100,000 words?
Not a prayer.
What I did manage was something that's longer than The Great Gatsby, Of Mice & Men, Candide, Animal Farm,The Invisible Man, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, The Old Man & The Sea.....and probably not as good as any of them.
Though it does have more jokes, blondes, Blues and Duct-tape than all of them put together.
It'll be out tomorrow.....feel free to tell me what you think. I don't need honest opinions & constructive criticism. Wide-eyed, fawning adulation will be fine.
Too hard for me, so it seemed I wouldn't be joining the ranks of the airport blockbusters. No millions for me.
But what if The Blues Detective had a slightly more complicated case than usual? One that puzzled him even more than normal? Might I reach the mythical 100,000 words?
Not a prayer.
What I did manage was something that's longer than The Great Gatsby, Of Mice & Men, Candide, Animal Farm,The Invisible Man, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, The Old Man & The Sea.....and probably not as good as any of them.
Though it does have more jokes, blondes, Blues and Duct-tape than all of them put together.
It'll be out tomorrow.....feel free to tell me what you think. I don't need honest opinions & constructive criticism. Wide-eyed, fawning adulation will be fine.
