Isa's Pompous Plotbunny-Propogating Primer to Polyamory
As a poly-inclined person there's no trope more intolerable to me than the menage. While romance readers are usually all for the occasional bit of realism to offset their sugary fantasies there seems to be virtually no market for novels true to poly lifestyle ... because no one is even attempting to write them. (And before you say "So write one yourself, Isa" I did :p But this isn't about promoting my own attempts... look for the cover with three naked people on it if you're curious *snort*)
Like BDSM and rape/capture fantasies, writers seem to be laboring under the delusion that in order to write satisfying menage they have to depict poly lifestyle as perfect, without flaw, without downside, based on pure love and complete union. In doing so they force their characters into situations that are the exact opposite of what polyamory is about. I'm not sure if this fantasy appeals to rubbernecking monogamists, but it certainly does not appeal to polys.
So, without further ado, allow me to sprinkle little seeds of inspiration in your heads. Because realistic poly makes for some good romance if you will only let it.
Poly Is Not About Sex
It's an easy, understandable misconception. The only reason to have multiple sex partners is to multiply your sex life. But, in my experience, most poly people don't really have that much more sex than non-polys ... at least not for an extended period of time. Do some of us go through periods where we sleep around? Sure, but then so do many monogamists. A girl can spend a few years acting like the town bicycle and still in her heart-of-hearts want to get married and settle down with one partner. Likewise a girl can spend years completely and totally celibate and still in her heart-of-hearts imagine herself having a few regular partners.
Most poly people are not looking for more sex. Rather poly people tend to be loners, we tend to be fiercely independent. The idea of having one person who is to be your sole source of affection and intimacy while you are likewise obligated to support his/her emotional health completely gives poly people hives. But that's the reality of modern relationships. People don't really live in communities anymore. They get married, they become couples and they isolate themselves inside that traditional family unit ... sometimes losing friends and interests outside of that relationship. Nowadays people look to their significant others to be the lover, the best friend, the therapist, the cheerleader, the everything.
Monogamists find that idea romantic and reassuring. Poly people find that idea threatening and a little insane.
Love and Like
Yes, we do love all our partners the same (well the ones we're in love with that is), but that doesn't mean what most people seem to assume it means. Love, particularly in romance novels, tends to get sold packaged up with all these other emotions and affectations. Therefore in menage stories every partner must be 100% equal. One partner can't be more desired than another, one partner can't be more amusing than another, you must always have exactly the same level of closeness and intimacy with all your partners or else someone is getting left out and the relationship is a sham!
But the reality is NO relationship-- be it monogamous or polyamorous-- stays constant like that. Feelings and preferences wax and wane. Think of it like this: which one of your parents do you love more?
For most people the answer is "I love them both the same" ... oh sure there are periods when your dad might piss you off or moments when you're sick of your mom nagging you. And at the time you may feel closer to one than you do to the other ... but those feelings shift and fade as life goes on. No matter how many times your mom embarrasses you with baby pictures, you still love her.
Real poly relationship are like that. At any given moment I may feel closer to one partner than another. I may want to spent more time with him and less time with the other. But that doesn't mean I have "chosen" Partner A over Partner B. I still love Partner B, I still want him in my life. And it's not as if my partners are standing around waiting for me to decide to like them best either. Sometimes they're really not that into me. Doesn't mean they want out.
In truth, poly relationships shift ... and yes, sometimes it's YOU who's left without a seat when the music stops. That's part of the reason why polys tend to be loners. We don't mind this idea. Actually we're usually all for it, because we understand that it's temporary. Eventually the music starts up again and you're no longer the one left out.
Polys Date Other Polys
I can't sell polyamory to a person who wants the fixings of monogamy deep down. If you want that one constant exclusive romantic relationship then you are a monogamist. Nothing wrong with being a monogamist. Some polys, in an attempt to get their lifestyle choices accepted, will throw around a bunch of bullshit about poly being a more enlightened frame of mind because real love shouldn't be about owning a person blah~blah~blah~ I don't believe that poly is right for everyone ... actually I would say that poly is wrong for 99.99999% of people.
So perhaps the most annoying thing about menage stories is that the characters are almost always monogamists. Deep down they want the all encompassing love story. They come into their poly-union and try to make it monogamy with few more people. There is no such thing as "Poly for you" ... monogamists who try to live poly in order to make a partner happy end up heartbroken.<-Period.
Poly Structures
Because the community is so small, there is no standard arrangement for poly people. Some people prefer complete independence with a regular stable of lovers who will never move in, never make a life together.
Others (like myself) enjoy nesting with a partner whose routine is most compatible with her/his own while taking on other relationships that might be as simple as close friendship but might also occasionally be sexual.
There are no rules. Like all relationships you have to be mindful of the boundaries and comfort levels of the people you're entering the relationship with. In my case I do not care whether my partners have other partners. When they do I like to be friendly with the other partners, but sometimes that doesn't happen. No biggie. For health reasons I like to keep a pretty closed circle, meaning that I prefer to have only one relationship that's sexually active at a time instead of assigning lovers days or going through some kind of weird rotation @_@ In a perfect world without STDs and unwanted pregnancies I would probably feel differently about that-- it's not a big deal if someone has two sex partners concurrently-- but it's just easier to be safer when the network of fluid swapping is as small as possible.
This isn't nearly as difficult or as complicated as it may sound because, like I said in the beginning, poly people don't really have that much more sex than monogamists. I have had some incredibly deep and romantic relationships with people who never once touched me sexually ... those are really rather nice actually. You shake all the body image neuroses that fretting over desirability creates and can enjoy the people as people.
So if you're open to the possibility that sex (or wanting to have sex) is not to be used to gauge the health of a romance, poly relationships are totally doable.
And Yet... Nothing Lasts Forever
I would be remiss if I didn't point out one other thing: poly relationships do tend to be transient. The lifestyle can be forever, the individual affairs tend not to be.
Confused monogamists and worried family members are always quick to point this out as a reason why polyamory doesn't work. Polys are equally quick to retort that with worldwide divorce rates as high as 60%, monogamy is no guarantee of happiness.
In the end, the temporary nature of poly relationships is usually just a matter of logistics. You can move to another country for a lover, but it's harder when that partner is not the only person in the picture. The advantages of having a "primary" (that is a central relationship where you share a home, finances, children, etc) get more and more attractive and convenient as you get older. Poly relationships are much more fluid than monogamous ones, sometimes that means people grow apart.
How to Write Poly
Yes, I know! You want your fantasy, you want your HEA. As a poly person I'm willing to accept a certain degree of "unicorn-ness". That is to say, polyamorous relationships where everybody is in love with everyone else aren't particularly realistic (unicorn polyamory) but that's the part of the menage fantasy that is appealing to us poly people. I mean ... especially since I'm a lover of hot man on man sex :D It would be really awesome if my partners *cough* got along like that. So you can actually write a realistic, compelling menage and still keep your true love perfect-unit-of-three escapism, you just have to tweak your approach slightly.
Think of it as a love triangle with a different ending. Give the MC time to build a relationship and intimacy with each partner. Don't be afraid to make one relationship more passionate and one more comfortable and dependable. Don't assume that the love interests must immediately accept one another, a little tension can be nice.
Never lose sight of your selfishness, use your selfishness as your guide. People do not enter into relationships for altruistic reasons. They enter into relationships for what the relationship can offer them. If you write a menage we should have a clear idea of what each partner brings to the table and what each one is getting out of it. Too often I find myself reading menage stories that feel like the whole relationship is built around worshipping the MC ... that's not the fantasy you imagine it to be. It's actually kind of tiresome to read >.> There should be some sense of why the love interests want to be in a relationship with the MC, why this arrangement works for them.
Ultimately, don't be afraid of imbalances. All partners do not have to be equal in order for all relationships to be equal. And to be frank, sometimes the most interesting aspect of the story are the politics and dynamics between the various relationships.
Like BDSM and rape/capture fantasies, writers seem to be laboring under the delusion that in order to write satisfying menage they have to depict poly lifestyle as perfect, without flaw, without downside, based on pure love and complete union. In doing so they force their characters into situations that are the exact opposite of what polyamory is about. I'm not sure if this fantasy appeals to rubbernecking monogamists, but it certainly does not appeal to polys.
So, without further ado, allow me to sprinkle little seeds of inspiration in your heads. Because realistic poly makes for some good romance if you will only let it.
Poly Is Not About Sex
It's an easy, understandable misconception. The only reason to have multiple sex partners is to multiply your sex life. But, in my experience, most poly people don't really have that much more sex than non-polys ... at least not for an extended period of time. Do some of us go through periods where we sleep around? Sure, but then so do many monogamists. A girl can spend a few years acting like the town bicycle and still in her heart-of-hearts want to get married and settle down with one partner. Likewise a girl can spend years completely and totally celibate and still in her heart-of-hearts imagine herself having a few regular partners.
Most poly people are not looking for more sex. Rather poly people tend to be loners, we tend to be fiercely independent. The idea of having one person who is to be your sole source of affection and intimacy while you are likewise obligated to support his/her emotional health completely gives poly people hives. But that's the reality of modern relationships. People don't really live in communities anymore. They get married, they become couples and they isolate themselves inside that traditional family unit ... sometimes losing friends and interests outside of that relationship. Nowadays people look to their significant others to be the lover, the best friend, the therapist, the cheerleader, the everything.
Monogamists find that idea romantic and reassuring. Poly people find that idea threatening and a little insane.
Love and Like
Yes, we do love all our partners the same (well the ones we're in love with that is), but that doesn't mean what most people seem to assume it means. Love, particularly in romance novels, tends to get sold packaged up with all these other emotions and affectations. Therefore in menage stories every partner must be 100% equal. One partner can't be more desired than another, one partner can't be more amusing than another, you must always have exactly the same level of closeness and intimacy with all your partners or else someone is getting left out and the relationship is a sham!
But the reality is NO relationship-- be it monogamous or polyamorous-- stays constant like that. Feelings and preferences wax and wane. Think of it like this: which one of your parents do you love more?
For most people the answer is "I love them both the same" ... oh sure there are periods when your dad might piss you off or moments when you're sick of your mom nagging you. And at the time you may feel closer to one than you do to the other ... but those feelings shift and fade as life goes on. No matter how many times your mom embarrasses you with baby pictures, you still love her.
Real poly relationship are like that. At any given moment I may feel closer to one partner than another. I may want to spent more time with him and less time with the other. But that doesn't mean I have "chosen" Partner A over Partner B. I still love Partner B, I still want him in my life. And it's not as if my partners are standing around waiting for me to decide to like them best either. Sometimes they're really not that into me. Doesn't mean they want out.
In truth, poly relationships shift ... and yes, sometimes it's YOU who's left without a seat when the music stops. That's part of the reason why polys tend to be loners. We don't mind this idea. Actually we're usually all for it, because we understand that it's temporary. Eventually the music starts up again and you're no longer the one left out.
Polys Date Other Polys
I can't sell polyamory to a person who wants the fixings of monogamy deep down. If you want that one constant exclusive romantic relationship then you are a monogamist. Nothing wrong with being a monogamist. Some polys, in an attempt to get their lifestyle choices accepted, will throw around a bunch of bullshit about poly being a more enlightened frame of mind because real love shouldn't be about owning a person blah~blah~blah~ I don't believe that poly is right for everyone ... actually I would say that poly is wrong for 99.99999% of people.
So perhaps the most annoying thing about menage stories is that the characters are almost always monogamists. Deep down they want the all encompassing love story. They come into their poly-union and try to make it monogamy with few more people. There is no such thing as "Poly for you" ... monogamists who try to live poly in order to make a partner happy end up heartbroken.<-Period.
Poly Structures
Because the community is so small, there is no standard arrangement for poly people. Some people prefer complete independence with a regular stable of lovers who will never move in, never make a life together.
Others (like myself) enjoy nesting with a partner whose routine is most compatible with her/his own while taking on other relationships that might be as simple as close friendship but might also occasionally be sexual.
There are no rules. Like all relationships you have to be mindful of the boundaries and comfort levels of the people you're entering the relationship with. In my case I do not care whether my partners have other partners. When they do I like to be friendly with the other partners, but sometimes that doesn't happen. No biggie. For health reasons I like to keep a pretty closed circle, meaning that I prefer to have only one relationship that's sexually active at a time instead of assigning lovers days or going through some kind of weird rotation @_@ In a perfect world without STDs and unwanted pregnancies I would probably feel differently about that-- it's not a big deal if someone has two sex partners concurrently-- but it's just easier to be safer when the network of fluid swapping is as small as possible.
This isn't nearly as difficult or as complicated as it may sound because, like I said in the beginning, poly people don't really have that much more sex than monogamists. I have had some incredibly deep and romantic relationships with people who never once touched me sexually ... those are really rather nice actually. You shake all the body image neuroses that fretting over desirability creates and can enjoy the people as people.
So if you're open to the possibility that sex (or wanting to have sex) is not to be used to gauge the health of a romance, poly relationships are totally doable.
And Yet... Nothing Lasts Forever
I would be remiss if I didn't point out one other thing: poly relationships do tend to be transient. The lifestyle can be forever, the individual affairs tend not to be.
Confused monogamists and worried family members are always quick to point this out as a reason why polyamory doesn't work. Polys are equally quick to retort that with worldwide divorce rates as high as 60%, monogamy is no guarantee of happiness.
In the end, the temporary nature of poly relationships is usually just a matter of logistics. You can move to another country for a lover, but it's harder when that partner is not the only person in the picture. The advantages of having a "primary" (that is a central relationship where you share a home, finances, children, etc) get more and more attractive and convenient as you get older. Poly relationships are much more fluid than monogamous ones, sometimes that means people grow apart.
How to Write Poly
Yes, I know! You want your fantasy, you want your HEA. As a poly person I'm willing to accept a certain degree of "unicorn-ness". That is to say, polyamorous relationships where everybody is in love with everyone else aren't particularly realistic (unicorn polyamory) but that's the part of the menage fantasy that is appealing to us poly people. I mean ... especially since I'm a lover of hot man on man sex :D It would be really awesome if my partners *cough* got along like that. So you can actually write a realistic, compelling menage and still keep your true love perfect-unit-of-three escapism, you just have to tweak your approach slightly.
Think of it as a love triangle with a different ending. Give the MC time to build a relationship and intimacy with each partner. Don't be afraid to make one relationship more passionate and one more comfortable and dependable. Don't assume that the love interests must immediately accept one another, a little tension can be nice.
Never lose sight of your selfishness, use your selfishness as your guide. People do not enter into relationships for altruistic reasons. They enter into relationships for what the relationship can offer them. If you write a menage we should have a clear idea of what each partner brings to the table and what each one is getting out of it. Too often I find myself reading menage stories that feel like the whole relationship is built around worshipping the MC ... that's not the fantasy you imagine it to be. It's actually kind of tiresome to read >.> There should be some sense of why the love interests want to be in a relationship with the MC, why this arrangement works for them.
Ultimately, don't be afraid of imbalances. All partners do not have to be equal in order for all relationships to be equal. And to be frank, sometimes the most interesting aspect of the story are the politics and dynamics between the various relationships.
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Dec 23, 2012 01:53PM
What you're describing sounds like a sprawling interlinked community, but somewhat amorphous? Kind of like Isa is in a relationship with Guy A and Guy B and Gal C, but A, B, C have other relationships, not necessarily with each other and these links sort of proliferate which each person as a separate little hub linked to other hubs. That actually sounds pretty workable to me because there is a lot of flexibility to change and to relieve stresses that happen between any two people. But what about poly arrangements like Triads and Quads, where you have a closed circle and everyone has a connection to everyone else? That sounds like very hard work to pull off and keep from flying apart. Much more work than a monogamous relationship.
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"Rather poly people tend to be loners, we tend to be fiercely independent. The idea of having one person who is to be your sole source of affection and intimacy while you are likewise obligated to support his/her emotional health completely gives poly people hives."Hmm, I really identify with this a lot. There's always a moment when a relationship gets too intense for me and I feel this overwhelming urge to escape. Actually a poly relationship with less pressure on each person sounds pretty appealing, but I think in real life would be hard to configure. I wouldn't want an open relationship where the bf and I each had another person. On the other hand, we couldn't introduce a mutual third either - since we're both just solely hetero, I wouldn't want another woman and he wouldn't want a man...
Kate wrote: "But what about poly arrangements like Triads and Quads, where you have a closed circle and everyone has a connection to everyone else?"Oh yeah. Shit can get crazy complicated the more you try to bring the various relationships together. I mean you end up with the same rivalries and powerplays that you would see with large families ... except without the blood relations that encourage people to kiss and make up eventually. I've seen some poly breakups get REALLY UGLY when this is the arrangement. Especially when there are kids involved :/
I feel like most polys sort of settle into a primary relationship and keep the occasional person on the side here or there along with a gaggle of close friendship that stay fully platonic. When people can see what they assume is monogamy it can make life way easier for everyone. Plus as a society we are naturally inclined to assume pairs.
Definitely it can be complicated, I suppose it works for me because I'm not a person who feels compelled to even have a relationship in the first place. So there's less urge to have everyone organized and accounted for I suppose?
Although... I must admit finding a bisexual guy with the same taste in men as me is a little pipe dream of mine :D
Eve wrote: "Hmm, I really identify with this a lot. There's always a moment when a relationship gets too intense for me and I feel this overwhelming urge to escape."I would say most people do not need a polyamorous arrangement, they just need to chill to fuck out with the "master life plan/timeline" I have NEVER understood why people seem to think three dates == sex or why there seems to no longer be anything between the first date and the commitment @_@ People act like life is a Black Friday sale and they have to lock everything down right away before they lose out.
I'd wager an adult series of connections with honesty and respect would probably be easier on the drama-glands than the typical partnership. Seems to me a big part of why relationships fail is the weight of living up to unrealistic expectations of monogamy. Like a man isnt supposed to notice another body, and if he is insufficiently convincing in his theater of disinterest, it's somehow disrespectful and row-worthy. Whereas a mature polyamorous situation would appear to dispense with all manner of bullshit of that type right from the beginning.
Isa wrote: "People act like life is a Black Friday sale and they have to lock everything down right away before they lose out.
THIS!! ^.^
THIS!! ^.^
Julio wrote: "Whereas a mature polyamorous situation would appear to dispense with all manner of bullshit of that type right from the beginning. "
The key word there is "mature". Applies to any relationship whether it's open or poly or monogamous. They can all work, but none of them work well if you don't bring honesty and a willingness to communicate into the mix.
The key word there is "mature". Applies to any relationship whether it's open or poly or monogamous. They can all work, but none of them work well if you don't bring honesty and a willingness to communicate into the mix.
Kate wrote: "The key word there is "mature". Applies to any relationship whether it's open or poly or monogamous. They can all work, but none of them work well if you don't bring honesty and a willingness to communicate into the mix."EXACTLY. And trust me there are plenty of immature and obnoxious poly people too >.<
Isa wrote: "People act like life is a Black Friday sale and they have to lock everything down right away before they lose out."Exactly. I don't understand the instant-commitment thing. I'm really slow to warm to people, so it's always been kinda mind-boggling when I'm hit with an 'I love you' on a second or third date, and I'm still thinking that I just might possibly try to see if I like this person.
Eve wrote: Exactly. I don't understand the instant-commitment thing. I'm real..."Me neither, Eve! I takes ages to go from knowing someone to liking them. And commitment is a whole other level.
@Isa, this is a fascinating thread BTW! I think that society somewhat programs us to think that 1+1 = relationship, with no room for anyone else. But of course there are always other people in a relationship. There are parents, kids, siblings, friends, so what's the difference, really, with another partner (or partners)?
Great thread and comments! I agree that there's no such thing as "poly for you" and it only ends badly, but I have seen a "mono for you" that's apparently still going strong. There's a pretty big poly community around here, so it's always seemed as "normal" to me as any other relationship dynamic. On a somewhat tangential, but related note, I've always been amazed (and a bit disconcerted) by people who view marriage as winning the gold ring in life. Even when I've pointed out that the high divorce rate indicates that marriage is not, in fact, a guarantee of "happy ever after," my words fall on deaf ears. Apparently because I've been married (and, therefore, have "won"), I can't appreciate the black hole of failure and lack that comes with spending life alone... O.o
Also, I'm sooo with you on the pipe dream of finding the bisexual guy with the same taste in men! :D
This is a great post Isa. Something for me to think about.
It's not about sex? Don't be ridiculous.::runs away giggling like a little girl::
Isa wrote: "Oh yeah. Shit can get crazy complicated the more you try to bring the various relationships together. I mean you end up with the same rivalries and powerplays that you would see with large families ... except without the blood relations that encourage people to kiss and make up eventually. I've seen some poly breakups get REALLY UGLY when this is the arrangement. Especially when there are kids involved :/"My one issue with poly is when kids are involved. Maybe it's just because I grew up in Berkeley in the 70s, with lots of friends whose families were part of some sort of commune or another. Maybe I'm falsely generalizing, based on having known more kids my age with poly parents than poly parents my age with kids.
But even though it seems to me a family community should be better for raising children than a dyad, from what I've seen the opposite is true. The kids I've known with poly parents were some of the most neglected and/or abused of any I knew. That may have had more to do with the times (and drugs!), but it has left me with a bad impression about combining poly and parenting.
Jess (jeayci) wrote: "Isa wrote: "Oh yeah. Shit can get crazy complicated the more you try to bring the various relationships together. I mean you end up with the same rivalries and powerplays that you would see with la..."On one hand, I'm inclined to agree Re: poly + kids. On the other ... I sort of want kids LOL ^_^;;;;; And there's a part of me that wonders with divorce being so common now and so many kids having multiple moms and dads if poly life would have the same effect today? Or would the kids just be like "what the fuck ever, Mom >.>"
I agree with part of what you state, but disagree quite some with other aspects. Yes, I also identify as poly, and yes, it's not about sex. It's about relationship. However, your post denigrates those polyamorous people who want and need a firmly closed group. Exactly what you scoff at: not two in a couple, just three or four instead. We truly aren't unicorns, we do exist. And it's such an unfortunate tendency to ridicule or talk down on us that I practically ceased to interact with the poly-scene. It's simply exasperating to be told you're a lesser or laughable poly because your orientation is not about including open or large groups.
What really has me giggle every time though are authors who start setting up sort of sexual and personal timetables to which a triad has to heed, like so many minutes or so much sex to be had with A, then with B and then C gets another equal share of whomever else. Not stating there aren't possibly exactly such relationships, but that's really a person into couple-dynamics trying to come to grips with three(or more)somes. If the relationship works, the sex and time spend with each other works itself out without a timetable.
Steelwhisper wrote: "However, your post denigrates those polyamorous people who want and need a firmly closed group. Exactly what you scoff at: not two in a couple, just three or four instead. We truly aren't unicorns, we do exist."*eyebrow raise* How do I denigrate it? I've been in those type of relationships. I'm talking primarily about how much I enjoy them.
I think you've misunderstood me. I wasn't referring to committed relationships between three or four people as "unicorn" I was referring to the idea of triads being perfectly balanced with all things being 100% equal between all partners. Fuck, that's not even realistic IN MONOGAMY. There are always power dynamics, always strong personalities and relationship roles. A relationship can only survive when everyone feels they play a productive and unique part in it.
But conventional romance is afraid of that concept because they think it means the love is incomplete or imperfect and that in and of itself invalidates the "rightness" of the relationship in terms of a HEA.
Okay, I stand corrected. The middle part (e.g. "That is to say, polyamorous relationships where everybody is in love with everyone else aren't particularly realistic") of your post above comes over as what I am so sick of hearing, and hearing mainly from poly-people, that firmly closed poly-relationships are impossible, just an extension of monogamous (married) couples and contrary to "the idea of poly". It's something I have become very prickly about the last few years :)
Yeah, I've met more than my fair share of those people too XD *fist bump* Happy to clear that up.
So I actually decided a couple of weeks ago that there weren't enough good (read: non-porn) m/m/m stories out there, so I decided to write one. After reading this post, I got all worried like "What if I write it wrong???"But then I decided screw that. I'm going to write the story I want to read, period, and if it doesn't fit someone else's standards, oh well.
Considering my current success rate of finishing the books I start writing (0%) it's probably a moot point anyway.
But if you do ever see my book floating out there, just remember I started it before you wrote this post. :)
hahahah Dude write your fucking book XD I'm sure it will be amazingPS- I wrote this post months ago so nyah-nah-nah~
Isa wrote: "hahahah Dude write your fucking book XD I'm sure it will be amazing"Hell yeah. Cosigned
Isa wrote: "hahahah Dude write your fucking book XD I'm sure it will be amazingPS- I wrote this post months ago so nyah-nah-nah~"
Oops.... okay, you win. I need to start looking at dates on stuff!
