Unintentionally Funny Things I Have Said Through the Ages
I can be funny. Sometimes. By accident.
This is for Kendal Morris.
"I'll just Google it on Wikipedia."
"The song is called 'Like A G6?' But I thought it was about 'Mac n' Cheese Sticks..."
"It's a pee-mergency!"
"What do [my sister] and bears have in common? Both sleep in the woods and put fear into the hearts of men." -to my sister, when she came back from camping
Me: *dropping something on the floor* Oh snap!
My coworker: Did you just say 'oh snap?'
Me: *dropping something else* FLIP-FLAPPETY FLOP-WAZZLE
My other coworker: HOW DARE YOU USE SUCH PROFANITY IN THIS STORE
"What do you mean you don't know if I look good or not? You're gay- you're supposed to know these things!"
"I have ESP. It's a very special kind of ESP that lets me know when mothers are going to say something snarky. I call it my 'spite-y sense.'"
My coworker: Fuck.
My other coworker: What did you say?
Me: He said firetruck.
My other coworker: Firefuck?
Me: IT COMES WITH SPRINKLES?! AND WHIPPED CREAM?
Barista: I've never seen someone get so excited about a frappuccino before.
Email: Here is our sixteen page voting guide for the Green Party.
Me: How interesting! Here is my spam folder.
"What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it? LATER!"
"I'm going shopping at Armani- and it isn't going to be for the suits."
My sister: Did you miss me?
Me: I missed having someone to make fun of.
My sister: I missed having someone to make fun of me.
Me: Next time I'll write you a whole bunch of insults in little notes and you can pack them with you and read them whenever you find yourself with too much self-esteem.
"So I went to the 'I Give A' Store, but they were all out of fuck."
"Welcome to the procrasti-nation. We'd show you our national flag, but we haven't gotten around to making it yet..."
"That's not flab, it's dormant muscle."
"If the FDA said jumping off a cliff was harmless, would you do it?"
Me: So I just thought you should know that you are the the antithesis of win, and I am the epitome of it.
My sister: Where did you get the preposterous prevarication?
Me: It is not mendacity, but verisimilitude of which I speak.
"How can she stand to look at herself in the mirror every morning, let alone at her book? She wrote a sex scene involving a TAMPON."
Me: And my parents were like, how could you get a B in English? You SPEAK English!
My Asian friend: OMG. YOU HAVE ASIAN PARENTS.
"If he were any more of a tool, they'd be selling him in bulk at Orchard Supply."
"Your sense of humor is like Paul Ryan. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it's even funny, but it's all dumb."
"Awkward silence, bum bum bum!"
This is for Kendal Morris.
"I'll just Google it on Wikipedia."
"The song is called 'Like A G6?' But I thought it was about 'Mac n' Cheese Sticks..."
"It's a pee-mergency!"
"What do [my sister] and bears have in common? Both sleep in the woods and put fear into the hearts of men." -to my sister, when she came back from camping
Me: *dropping something on the floor* Oh snap!
My coworker: Did you just say 'oh snap?'
Me: *dropping something else* FLIP-FLAPPETY FLOP-WAZZLE
My other coworker: HOW DARE YOU USE SUCH PROFANITY IN THIS STORE
"What do you mean you don't know if I look good or not? You're gay- you're supposed to know these things!"
"I have ESP. It's a very special kind of ESP that lets me know when mothers are going to say something snarky. I call it my 'spite-y sense.'"
My coworker: Fuck.
My other coworker: What did you say?
Me: He said firetruck.
My other coworker: Firefuck?
Me: IT COMES WITH SPRINKLES?! AND WHIPPED CREAM?
Barista: I've never seen someone get so excited about a frappuccino before.
Email: Here is our sixteen page voting guide for the Green Party.
Me: How interesting! Here is my spam folder.
"What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it? LATER!"
"I'm going shopping at Armani- and it isn't going to be for the suits."
My sister: Did you miss me?
Me: I missed having someone to make fun of.
My sister: I missed having someone to make fun of me.
Me: Next time I'll write you a whole bunch of insults in little notes and you can pack them with you and read them whenever you find yourself with too much self-esteem.
"So I went to the 'I Give A' Store, but they were all out of fuck."
"Welcome to the procrasti-nation. We'd show you our national flag, but we haven't gotten around to making it yet..."
"That's not flab, it's dormant muscle."
"If the FDA said jumping off a cliff was harmless, would you do it?"
Me: So I just thought you should know that you are the the antithesis of win, and I am the epitome of it.
My sister: Where did you get the preposterous prevarication?
Me: It is not mendacity, but verisimilitude of which I speak.
"How can she stand to look at herself in the mirror every morning, let alone at her book? She wrote a sex scene involving a TAMPON."
Me: And my parents were like, how could you get a B in English? You SPEAK English!
My Asian friend: OMG. YOU HAVE ASIAN PARENTS.
"If he were any more of a tool, they'd be selling him in bulk at Orchard Supply."
"Your sense of humor is like Paul Ryan. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it's even funny, but it's all dumb."
"Awkward silence, bum bum bum!"
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Camila wrote: "FLIP-FLAPPETY FLOP-WAZZLEI just loved this <3"
Why, thank you! :D
You are a genius.
I have a list of unintentionally funny things that my sister says. I think you'd get along with her. Example:
The two of us were sitting in a plane in Hong Kong waiting to taxi and take off when she turns to me and says "Where are we?" to which I reply "Hong Kong" and she says "Well we're in a plane so technically we're nowhere."
Or this gem, one of my favourites:
We were sitting in our bedroom when we lived on our farm in Ireland and she was staring intently out the window for a solid ten minutes before saying absently "Do you think that horse would be easy to push over?"
I have a list of unintentionally funny things that my sister says. I think you'd get along with her. Example:
The two of us were sitting in a plane in Hong Kong waiting to taxi and take off when she turns to me and says "Where are we?" to which I reply "Hong Kong" and she says "Well we're in a plane so technically we're nowhere."
Or this gem, one of my favourites:
We were sitting in our bedroom when we lived on our farm in Ireland and she was staring intently out the window for a solid ten minutes before saying absently "Do you think that horse would be easy to push over?"
Kelly-Jane wrote: "You are a genius.I have a list of unintentionally funny things that my sister says. I think you'd get along with her. Example:
The two of us were sitting in a plane in Hong Kong waiting to taxi ..."
HAHAHAHA! She sounds amazing! :D
Thanks, darling, these made my day. It's a good thing I didn't read them during class yesterday because I'm sure it would not have gone over well.
Kendal wrote: "Thanks, darling, these made my day. It's a good thing I didn't read them during class yesterday because I'm sure it would not have gone over well."YAY :D
♥
I love this, all of them were so hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing while reading this, you are a genius :D
I just loved this <3