No, It Couldn’t Happen To Anyone

As I’m writing this, my floor is littered with beer bottles that still haven’t stopped the constant thinking. I’ve chain smoked 2 packs of cigarettes today and am working on my third. I’m in that crazy fuzzy haze between too much nicotine and caffeine and its just not helping. My brain just insists on well…thinking. And its driving me crazy.

I’d like to be able to watch a TV show without fixing the plot line in my head. I’d like to watch the news without figuring out how to fix the world and I’d like to just be able to lie down at night and sleep without thinking.

Maybe I could ask this chick how to do it?

Basic Rundown: Woman got taken by Nigerian scam artist she found on a dating site for 42k.

For anyone who decided not to watch, let me just drop this little gem to give you an idea of what I’m dealing with here.

Newscaster: So, when he said he was from Nigeria, did that set off any warning bells in your head?

Idiot Moron Woman: Not a one.

Seriously, not a one? Some dude you don’t know, tells you he’s living in fucking Nigeria, the scam capital of the world, and you don’t have a minutes misconception about sending him checks? Really?

One time, Sassy Fillapina, who is surprisingly from the Philippines, asked me to transfer some money for her into my bank account so she could avoid a wire fee. It took her 14 text messages, a phone call and a Skype before she could convince me she wasn’t a Nigerian scam artist…and she’s been one of my best friends for three years. In my head, the whole time I was transferring the money I was going, “maybe our three year friendship was just part of a clever con to get me to give her $800”. Of course, it wasn’t. It was to help her cover the plane ticket she needed for her dads funeral, but it still left me skeptical. And it got me to thinking, if I’m this skeptical over a wire transfer that completely legit, to one of my closest friends, how are people still getting scammed by Nigerian scam artists?

Then I figured it out. These lucky people have figured out a way to turn of their brains entirely!

To any of my Nigerian followers out there, rest assured, I do not mean to insult you. I’m sure you are a perfectly nice, well meaning individual…who regularly dupes individuals into giving you ridiculous amounts of money. That’s why I delete all your comments off my board. Sorry. Call me a stereotyping racist if you want. But I’m a stereotyping racist with a positive balance in my checking account. So eat me.

The part of this video that annoyed me was the part at the end, when the chick said, “it could really happen to anyone.”

Um, sure lady. Keep telling yourself that. It could certainly happen to anyone…who has had a full frontal lobotomy. Look, I’m not an idiot. Sometimes, I wish I was. But my brain is apparently addicted to thinking and I can’t make it stop, even when I want it to.

This would never happen to me. You know why? Because the second any dude on a dating website asked me for money, my vagina would actually close up and seal shut. I have hundreds of thousands of years of evolution behind me that makes me seek out a mate that’s a good provider. A man asking me for money is not a good provider. And a man asking me for money from Nigeria is a bad provider and a huge scam artist. Evolution has nothing to do with that part. I’m just not completely fucktarded like some people.

So stop painting me with the same brush as yourself. We both have our positive points. You are a complete idiot who lost 42K to a Nigerian scam artist. On the upside, you probably fall asleep after only 15 minutes or so of trying. I, on the other hand, toss and turn until 2 am every night because I can’t shut my brain off. But at least I’ve never gotten scammed by a 14 year old Nigerian kid with a Plenty of Fish account.