Liveblog: chapter four

We are nearly halfway through. I will say this for Barbara Cartland’s books: they are short.

The day of the Steeple-Chase has arrived. This is where Lady Barton’s horses are racing against the Marquis’s horses and Valessa is wildly excited, though it is not at all clear why.

“There were men in pink coats collecting their hats and gloves from the footmen, seven of them wore peacock blue, which she discovered had been provided by Sarah for her own team.”

Who is wearing peacock blue? Is peacock blue a shade of pink? Does Sarah have a team of footmen? So many questions, so little interest.

The Marquis is riding an obstreporous stallion. Just by looking at him, Valessa knows he is as good as a god from another Planet. Or the Man in the Moon. Excuse me while I throw up. Guess who wins the race? Go on, you’ll never get it. The Marquis! Lady Barton is disappointed but she is already planning her revenge, so that’s okay. In the afternoon they do showjumping but Valessa is sent to bed so she can’t watch it.

When she comes down for dinner she gets to meet the Marquis for the first time. Exactly halfway through the book. She’d never get away with that these days. She mostly speaks in ellipses and he replies in exclamation marks. The words are irrelevant. After dinner, Valessa is taken upstairs and dressed in a wedding dress. She’s going to be taken to the chapel and married to a man in a wheelchair and dark glasses. Then everyone will guess which man she’s married.

Um. What?

It’s a charade. Ri-ight.

Valessa thinks it’s ‘an original idea’. Well, she’s right about that.

Afterwards, there’s going to be a ‘special surprise’ for Valessa. If you have a bad feeling about that, you’re right.

So they go through the ceremony. Valessa thinks that the Marquis’s distinctive voice will be a clue for everyone. Oddly, she doesn’t think that him saying his name will be any sort of clue at all. Valessa has a panicked moment halfway through when she realises she shouldn’t be making a mockery of a Sacrament of the Church. Marriage is not a sacrament in the CofE, but I agree, she shouldn’t be doing this.

They take her and the Marquis off to a private chamber and everyone has a glass of wine. Valessa’s is drugged. When she wakes up, she’s in bed. With the Marquis! And everyone else watching!

But wait, there’s more!

The marriage service was genuine and the vicar was a real vicar. Someone got a special licence. Sarah has got her revenge. If the Marquis thinks she wasn’t good enough to be his wife, she’s given him a wife who was starving and in rags.

Gosh. I wonder how that’s going to turn out.