I guess I'll be serious for once

I think one of the reasons I'm usually super ridiculous is because I find that having a sense of humor, no matter how moronic, is great for dealing with everyday annoyances as well as things that fill me with rage. It lets me vent the frustration and fury in short bursts and then I can let the poison out of my system, and start looking at things rationally again, and sometimes I can make bad things seem ok by laughing at it.

Sometimes.

If my general state of being is to be totally stupid and make jokes and try to find humor in everything, it kind of stores up the inward good karma for those moments when the outward (or inward) bad karma tips the scale. It's easier to right myself more quickly and make jokes about things that are otherwise difficult to process, and absorb the shittiness of the world/people without always letting it overtake everything else.

Right now is one of those times where it makes me think about how strange it is to be able to go from being perfectly fine to suddenly so horrified or disgusted by something it makes me rant, and then since this is online I can soon afterward type out stuff like "XD" and "<3" even before I feel it -- to try to restore myself to a natural balance.

Because oftentimes the things that truly disgust me are things I can't do anything about, and ultimately the only real effect I have on others is how I interact with them. Ultimately the main thing I can do to counteract the occasional complete shithole of humanity is to be as good of a person as I know how to be.

And I know that sounds cheesy and I know maybe it's not the healthiest of life choices or maybe it is, I can't say. But right now with this strange, vague lump in the center of my chest I know that if I focus only on that I won't be of service to anyone, but if I focus on the actions I can personally take and the outcomes I can personally affect, the burning will slowly, subtly subside.

So if you ever wonder why most of the time I say such ridiculous things, why I make such stupid jokes or act like I'm 5 years old, it's because at times like this it's easier to remember that most of the time I don't want to kick people, and most of the time everything's pretty okay. Most of the time, it's possible to laugh, and most of the time the things that seem so terrible can be accepted without being belittled but also without making it impossible to move forward.

It's when I start thinking about how such things are not possible for everyone, how some people are in terrible situations that they can't get out of, that it makes it harder to think that way. But then I get back to realizing that I can only affect what I can affect, and I can do everything in my power when it's in my power, and when it isn't I have to accept that, too, or I won't be able to help anyone even when it gets to a time when I can.