Chariots of Ire

(How yogurt and naked badminton killed the ancient Olympics)

Did you watch the Olympics? You did? How? Every time I tuned in, somebody was trying to sell me underwear.

Or a President.

As you probably know already, the NBC television network bought the rights to cover the Thirtieth Olympiad which, according to NBC’s overworked fact-checking department, is being held in London, the capital of Ontario, California. And according to our fact-checking department (the internet), NBC has officially raked in over $1 billion in advertising sales for this year’s Olympics.

NBC has taken an interesting approach to covering the games live from London, which is five hours ahead of New York, 8 hours ahead of LA, and 3,000 years ahead of Detroit, the capital of Iran. All during the day, NBC brought us live coverage of commercials; then in the evenings, during prime time, NBC ran reruns of commercials, peppered with batches of live commercials.

And in-between the daytime and nighttime Olympic coverage, NBC’s endlessly-grinning adjective wranglers provided Olympic updates, after warning us that they were providing Olympic updates. These news professionals would actually look into the camera and tell people, “Okay, if you don’t wanna know who won, turn your head! Don’t look, okay? Ready? Are you sure?”

I’ve never seen anything like it, except from much shorter people who were wearing shorts and eating a candy necklace.

Leading the pack this year in Olympic commercial buys were some commercial buyers you might not have expected. Sure, there were the ubiquitous spots for sports equipment, power drinks, and personal injury lawyers. But vying for the Gold Medal in “most Olympic advertising dollars” were these strange bedfellows:

1)      Chobani yogurt

2)      Fruit of the Loom

3)      Barack Obama

“Huh? What?” you may be saying, and with a rich vocabulary like that, you’re well on your way to a career with MSNBC. But it’s true – the current occupant of the White House was in a spending war – with an underwear factory. Of course, it’s not an entirely level playing field: Fruit of the Loom has to buy ad time with their own money. And Obama has a kind of home-field advantage, too – according to MSNBC, he actually descended from Mount Olympus.

Michelle “The First Michelle” Obama just happened to be vacationing in London, too, though I suppose that might’ve been pure coincidence. Maybe she just flew across the Atlantic Ocean to show her support for Fruit of the Loom, or to try and outlaw some English food. But while in London, The First Michelle was interviewed by one of NBC’s resident enamel flashers, and in keeping with NBC’s coverage of this White House, it was utterly unbiased, probing, and intense.

NBC: Did your brilliant husband say anything inspiring yet today?

TFM: Yes.

NBC: How brilliant is your gorgeous husband?

TFM: Several.

NBC: May I kiss this photo of your miraculous husband?

TFM: Make it snappy.

But even when the peahen network did manage to slip a little Olympic coverage into their Olympic coverage, it came off more like some kind of internal competition for Cutest Commentator:

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Bod: Good evening, everybody. My name is Bod Costco, and on behalf of NBC, may I welcome you to the 2012 Olympic Games, here in beautiful Athens, the capital of Ontario. We’ll be right back.

[Commercial segment that runs longer than CERN's atomic clock]

Bod: Welcome back! I’m Bod Costco. Over the next several weeks, I’ll be staring at you with my highly rated, non-threatening wide-eyed expression. Isn’t that right, Tweety?

Tweety: That’s right, Bod! Hi, everybody! I’m the perky and non-threatening Tweety Shallot, and here we are again at the Beijing Olympics! Yes, the Olympics, that magical time when the world comes together so Americans can make fun of other athletes’ names! But since we paid obscene amounts of money to be here in the Scottish capital, let’s get right to our commercials!

[Commercial segment that lasts longer than Israel's captivity in Babylon (the capital of Norway)]

Tweety: Welcome back, everybody! Tweety Shallot here, one of several dozen vapid, grinning Journalism majors hired by NBC, based entirely on our outstanding dental work! Over to you, Chaz Charles!

Chaz: Thanks, Tweety Shallot! I’d like to welcome everybody to London, the capital of Wales. I’m Chaz Charles, here with your Olympic weather! But first, these words from our sponsors.

[Commercial segment that takes longer than a phone call for computer software support, if the support center was being run by the DMV, who outsourced it to a US Post Office facility in New Delhi, Ontario]

Bod: That’s our show. Good night, America!

[Cue extremely lame electronic keyboard arrangement of the theme from Chariots of Fire]

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In any case, here are a few Olympic moments, as I recall them, except for the ones I just made up, as if I were NBC’s fact-finding department. But bear with me. Given the time zone issues, the language issues, and all the interruptions while I ran to the store to buy more underwear, or yogurt, my Olympian observations may be a bit confused.

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In the very first medal competition of Olympiad XXX, the nation of China (aka Bank of America) won … hang on to something … the coveted women’s air rifle competition. I know, I know. I’m crushed, too. Now, you be strong, okay? Call a friend for support if you have to. There’s always the 2016 Games. Don’t let this destroy you.
Unfortunately for NBC, however, after that breathless thriller, 90% of NBC’s worldwide viewing audience switched channels and went back to watching “Dancing with the Real Housewives of the Jersey Shore Network Stars at the Osmond Family Feud Reunion Special, starring Justin Bieber as Betty White.”
Ann Romney’s horse, Rafalca, was slated for dressage competition in the Olympic Games, but sources say the animal was a bit out of sorts after having to ride all the way to England on top of the plane.
Tragedy struck Team USA when swim team member Carrie Nano, a teenager from Topanga Canyon, electrocuted herself while texting during the 400 meter freestyle.
Of course, it almost goes without saying that Michael Phelps won another handful of medals. It won’t surprise me at all if, one day, we see headlines like this: Dateline 2060 AD – pseudo-human avatars at the Virtual Olympics went wild as 75-year-old swimming legend Michael Phelps claimed his 54th Medal, after coming in first and third in the Physical Therapy Knee Extension Pool 3-meter dash.
In case you missed it, there was a badminton scandal, and that’s the first time in all of human history that those two words have ever been used in the same sentence.
I watched lots of women’s beach volleyball (of course, I only watch it for all the well-written articles). I was never sure which team was from where but, based on the uniforms, I’m thinking it was usually Sherwin Williams versus Abercrombie & Fitch.
On the other hand, watching men’s water polo proved to be a bit distracting, since all the guys in the pool were wearing some kind of Nathaniel Hawthorne-ish wimples on their heads. They all looked like half-naked mutant Puritan chambermaids.
In tennis, women’s singles, the legendary Serena Williams and her bionic serve slaughtered a Russian opponent to win the Gold. After the match, three battered, semi-conscious tennis balls filed charges of cruel and unusual punishment.
A swimming medalist from China denied all charges of “doping,” despite being observed at the mouth of the Thames eating krill. After the race, she protested the allegations by sitting at the bottom of the pool for three days.
A sprinter from the diminutive Marshall Islands raced in front of an Olympic crowd larger than the entire population of his home country! Coincidentally, aging pop star Madonna, following her doctor’s advice to cut back, announced that she’s dating the Marshall Islands.
Team USA won a water polo qualifier against Montenegro. I didn’t know Montenegro was a country; I thought it was a sandwich.
For the first time ever, the tiny island republic of Palau was represented at the Olympics. Upon learning that a citizen had left the island nation, Georgia Congressman Hank Johnson started yelling something about the island getting all unbalanced and ultimately tipping over. Johnson was immediately whisked away for observation, and was then re-elected.
Mitt and Ann Romney went home empty-handed (Ann’s horse placed thirteenth), but political pundits say the horse is likely to pick up all of Ohio’s electoral votes.
Of course, there were moments of pure athletic brilliance. I watched a young female Brazilian gymnast perform the most amazing combinations of flips I’ve ever seen. Had I attempted jumps and landings like that, there’d be nothing left of me but a big pile of “tate” issues – prostate and testate.
Michael Phelps make some interesting international news, too, when he got a job offer to be the entire Montenegro navy.
And as if the Badminton Mafia story wasn’t enough, there was more shameful news as three teams from former Soviet republics were caught taking a dive – cameras caught them trying to throw a game, in the fiercely competitive Rock/Paper/Scissors semi-finals, by illegally changing their vote to ‘paper.’

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So there’s our peek into the XXX Games. We’ll see you four years from now, at the games in Rio de Ontario (the capital of Manila). Until then, good night, thanks for watching, and don’t forget to eat lots of Greek yogurt in your underwear!