Stuck in the Spin Cycle

(Look, if I’d have wanted the truth, I’d have made some up.)

“230 miles per gallon.”

That’s what I read on the internet. And just after reading that on the internet, it hit me. In this world, a whole lot of stupid begins with “that’s what I read on the internet.”

The quote was part of an online discussion about the Chevy Volt, that “hybrid” car that will run on gastricity, as soon as somebody invents some. (Okay, it’ll walk on gastricity. If you go by these consumer reviews, to claim that the Volt “runs” is to scratch a poetic itch.)

To be fair, though, the Volt is groundbreaking in many ways; for example, this is the first car in history that everybody paid for, but nobody bought.

And, of course, we have the wide-eyed Volt fan I mentioned earlier, who claims he’s getting 230 miles to the gallon. From such a statement, we can draw a few conclusions:

Somebody out there is buying electricity by the gallon
No, you can’t fix stupid, but you can medicate it into a stupor
There’s a reason we never get visits from intelligent alien life forms

See, one of the great things about the internet is that people can say whatever they want. And one of the worst things about the internet is that people can say whatever they want. Take, for example, another Volt owner who got so disgusted with what he called his “GM econobox POS” that he rushed out to a Ford dealership, bought something large, loud, and dependable that still runs on extinct Jurassic Park extras distilled down into black goo; then he shoved the Volt in his truck’s glove-box, drove home, cut the Volt in half with a grapefruit knife, and fed it to his two goldfish, Crockett and Tubbs.

Responsible Journalism Disclaimer: the previous paragraph is only partially true. No respectable goldfish would admit to being named after characters from Miami Vice.

But what’s even more fun to watch is how the “professional” news media have been handling the developing story of this hard-luck hybrid, with all its Gordian political coilings, its fable-worthy funding, and its pathologically unbalanced balance sheet.

Here’s how it works. Let’s say the actual news is this:

GM Announces Sale of Second Chevy Volt

Here’s what we might see/hear/read…

… from ABC: Hybrid Car Survives Conservative Counter-Offensive

… from NBC: Earth-Saving Technology Embraced by an Enlightened Few

… from Fox News: After the break – more of our interview with Chevy Chase!

… from CNN: White House Confirms Detroit Firmly On the Rebound

… from MSNBC: Volt Sales Double!

So let’s take a few actual headlines, and then hand them off to various news outlets for their “analysis.”

Responsible Journalism Disclaimer: the nouns in the following paragraphs have not been exhaustively researched, and may or may not represent actual facts. (Probably not.) The verbs, however, are all true.

Okay. Let’s begin:

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Here’s the actual headline:

GM’s Volt Sales Up in May

And the media says…

ABC: Volt Continues To Log Record-Breaking Sales Numbers

Fox News: After the break – more people who drove cars during May!

CNN: White House Denies Fleet Purchase of 10,000 Volts

(Glenn) Beck-TV: My next guest will analyze historical trends in auto sales on one of these blackboards.

MSNBC: Obama-Backed Wonder-Car Singlehandedly Revives US Auto Market

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Headline:

Surprising June Sales for Volt

ABC: GM Electric Car Exceeding All Expectations, Dealers Say

Fox News: We’ll be right back with June Lockhart, and more electronic gift ideas for Father’s Day!

CNN: White House Denies Leasing 10,000-Car Fleet from Itself

Beck-TV: My next guest has just written a fascinating book about clandestine electrocution.

MSNBC: Outdated ‘Adam Smith’ Theories Scrubbed From Textbooks, Replaced With Obamanomics

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Headline:

Volt Records Second-Best Sales Month

ABC: Volt Sales Skyrocket Despite Anti-Technology Legacy of George Bush

Fox News: After this commercial break, our list of the second-best movies of all time!

CNN: White House Points Out That Leasing 10,000-Car Fleet to Itself Saved or Created 10,000 IRS Jobs

Beck-TV: We should’ve seen this coming, as these assorted M&Ms clearly show.

MSNBC: Obama Administration to Fund Chevy Volt Ads in All 57 States

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Headline:

Chevy Volt Leading US Plug-In Car Sales

ABC: Chevy Volt Catapults to Insurmountable Lead in US Plug-In Car Sales

Fox News: At the bottom of the hour, we’ll talk to someone who’s pretty sure there is no other US plug-in car!

CNN: White House Announces Funding for Really Long Extension Cords

Beck-TV: Don’t miss next week’s show, when I plan to change tennis shoes and partially shave.

MSNBC: Poll Shows Joe Biden Leading Among US Plug-In Vice Presidents

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Headline:

Volt’s Power Source Compared to Electric Battery Technology from 1897

ABC: According to unconfirmed sources, Republican operatives may have a century-long record of secretly draining Democratic dry cells

Fox News: After the break, Geraldo Rivera will join us, because it’s been over an hour since he injected himself into a news story.

CNN: White House Denies Volt Battery Shortcomings; Responds to Controversy by Driving a Giant Gas-Guzzling Black Campaign Bus to Attend a Pro-Hispanic Gay Pride Rally at a Unionized Planned Parenthood facility in an Election Swing State

Beck-TV: Mark my words – it’s gonna blow up. I cover this and much more in my new book, Stuff I Said In My Last Book Was Gonna Blow Up, But Didn’t.

MSNBC: Vatican Admits to Obama Infallibility; Fannie Mae Announces Plans to Foreclose On Catholic Global Real Estate Holdings

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Headline:

GM Admits to “Little or No Profit” on Volt Project

ABC: Volt Sales Gracefully Plateau; Unconfirmed Rumor Points to Electricity Boycott by Tea Party

Fox News: In our next segment, we’ll take a look at all the successful Government investments since 1897. Should take about eight seconds.

CNN: White House Denies Exploratory Committee’s Plan to Outlaw the Term “Recoup”

Beck-TV: Did I mention I have a new book?

MSNBC: Tonight, on an all-new edition of “Slow-Pitch!” Join host organism Chris Matthews and his tingly leg, as we fawn over full-color shots of Barack Obama selecting a five-iron!

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Let’s do one more, shall we?

Responsible Journalism Disclaimer: the following paragraph is true. Well, right up to the part that says “Headline.” After that, you’re pretty much on your own.

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Headline:

Exploding Volt Battery Blamed for Over 10,000 Casualties

ABC: Battery Company’s Quality Assurance Inspector May Have Tea Party Affiliation

Fox News: After the break, Geraldo describes how he once blew up!

CNN: White House Claims To Have Reduced Highway Clutter By Nearly 11,000 Vehicles

Beck-TV: See? Told you it was gonna blow up.

MSNBC: Obama-Backed Wonder-Car Singlehandedly Revives US Fire Extinguisher Market

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