Finals Week at Gitmo U
(A job interview primer. No, not that kind of primer.)
I have good news and bad news. Here’s the bad news: The Gitmo soccer league has disbanded. (I know, I know. It’s a crushing blow, but stay strong. The feeling will pass.)
As it turns out, when putting together a rehab program for violently self-destructive behavior, cleats and knee pads don’t cut it. The allure of team sports faded quickly for the more individually-minded detainees at the Guantanamo Bay Maximum Sports Facility For Terrorists Who Forgot To Light The Fuse In Their Underwear. So the “intramural” theory was scratched, behavioral sociologists hunkered down, scribbled for a while on white boards, and have now decided to have the “terrorist detainees” reclassified as “alternatively motivated students.” And, as a result, American taxpayers are being asked to pony up so the “students” can rehabilitate their careers, refine their social etiquette skills, and attend classes like How to Write a More Effective Résumé.
The good news? The students still want to blow stuff up. So at least they’ve not gotten demotivated.
Now, remember, this is classified information. Top-secret stuff. Gitmo internal details are matters of national security. So how did we get this scoop? We stood around outside the headquarters of MSNBC until somebody from the White House leaked the info.
We waited about eight minutes.
Here, then, are some excerpts from a Gitmo re-education brochure, entitled My First Interview. You’ll discover that job hunting is much the same for everyone. And you may discover that we have much in common … all except for that ‘blow yourself up’ part.
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Welcome!
Welcome to Gitmo U, brought to you by the American taxpayer! We’re glad you’ve elected to take a few moments off from your busy schedule of pacing and glaring sullenly!
Well, let’s get started, shall we? Let’s say you’ve been captured while trying to blow yourself up, you’ve completed Gitmo rehab, and now you have an interview for a mindless clerical job in suburban Indiana, where you’ll sit in a cube, day after soul-numbing day, reviewing bitter, misspelled emails from disgruntled customers of an American company that makes personalized calendars with little pictures of Disney animals on the cover and clever pop-up event reminders like “Oh deer, is it ewe birthday?”
Why, it’s a dream come true! So let’s prepare ourselves, shall we?
The Phone Interview
Employers may use telephone interviews for various reasons:
1) As a tool to narrow the pool of applicants who will be invited for in-person interviews
2) As a way to minimize the expenses involved in interviewing out-of-town candidates
3) Because they are smug, self-important grimeballs who feed on false perceptions of power and like to waste your time by calling you from their car and then making comments like “Hold on, I have to park.”
During the Phone Interview
Don’t smoke, chew gum, eat, drink, or blow anything up.
Don’t hum, chant, ululate, or refer to any personal hearth deities by name.
Keep a glass of water handy, in case you need to wet your mouth, or you inadvertently blow something up.
Give short, concise answers; however, avoid expressions like “well, duh” and “nyet.”
Smiling during a phone call enhances the tone of your voice and helps project a positive image to the listener. So smile broadly, unless you’re in the middle of a sanity evaluation. Note: if you take the call from a public phone, be aware that smiling and talking to people that aren’t there may disturb the other passengers.
Remember: your goal is to set up a face-to-face interview, so don’t forget to ask if it would be possible to meet in person. And be sure to congratulate them on their parking skills.
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How to Dress for an Interview
Stick with tame, solid colors; a modest two-piece suit or business outfit, cleaned and pressed, will win the day. Avoid loud colors, tie-dyed shirts, spandex, ceremonial plumage and medieval weaponry.
Don’t wear buttons bearing political slogans, or t-shirts stamped with clever conversation starters like ‘I Heart Chaos’ or ‘Mao Lives.’ This is not the time or place for flaunting causes, regardless of your commitment to solar-powered undersea windmills, universal access to repressed literature about the gender inequality facing grafted roses, or having humpback whales admitted to the U.N.
For today, put aside that spiked leather collar, and anything else that involves a leash.
Perfumes and Colognes: simply put, less is more. Remember, it’s a nuance, not a marinade. The last thing you want to do is bust up in some poor interviewer’s office wrapped in a fragrance force field that smells like Tripoli looks. Plus, you’re walking into unknown territory, and you must take into account personal preferences, tastes, allergies, prevailing wind patterns – even personal histories! Your tastefully-applied eau du jour may be the very same scent worn by the interviewer’s recently estranged ex-wife, who just ran off with his mistress’ girlfriend and who, before leaving, spitefully filled his air conditioning ductwork with irradiated shrimp carcasses. Also, keep in mind that different cultures embrace (or eschew) different scents. Don’t assume that your potential employer is as fond as was your last boss of regional exotics like ‘Low-Tide Harem’ or ‘Southern Essence of Northbound Pack Animal.’
Pantyhose: the question of whether women should wear pantyhose on a job interview always generates a lot of discussion, and the collective answer is an overwhelming yes. For those of you who might be in a correctional facility for armed robbery, we should point out that we only endorse wearing pantyhose on one’s legs. (Pantyhose as ski mask is covered in our fine arts elective: Archetypal Career Decisions: a Raising Arizona retrospective” )
Tattoos and Body Piercings: far be it from us to judge, but look – if you’ve poked a bunch of holes in your own head, why should Human Resources assume you can be trusted with office supplies?
What Not to Wear at an Interview
Jeans, shorts, or short skirts
Jewelry that doubles as a roach clip, coke spoon, or igniter
Sneakers, flip-flops, or combustible shoe inserts
Very short fuses
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Phrases to Avoid During an Interview
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Cut to the money.
That your daughter’s picture? Whoa. Nice yams, Pops!
Skills? Well, at the very least, I could do what you do.
You’re kidding, right? Long-term disability? Have you seen my résumé?
Show up whe … Seriously? Every week?
Dude, could we wrap this up? I’m supposed to meet my parole officer in fifteen.
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Rehearsing For Your Interview
An often overlooked interview tactic is one that can make all the difference – practice. Here are some examples of questions you may be asked – think about how you would answer them!
Q) Give an example of how you cope with difficult clients or co-workers.
A) I blow myself up.
Q) Tell me about how you have worked effectively under pressure.
A) I blew myself up.
Q) Do you consider yourself a good listener?
A) I blew myself up.
Q) Have you ever dealt with a company policy you weren’t in agreement with? How?
A) I blew up the policy.
Q) Give an example of when you used logic to solve a problem.
A) Once, at a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I challenged the claim that mathematics is an axiomatic deduction system, inferring rather that, due to its antecedent disjunction, it in fact lies somewhere between a modus tollens and modus ponens. Then I blew myself up.
Q) Give an example of how you worked as part of a functional team.
A) I blew myself up last.
Q) Have you ever not met your goals?
A) Never. But I have lowered my expectations.
Q) Give an example of a goal you didn’t meet and how you handled it.
A) You’re not listening.
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Well, there you have it, citizens. Your tax dollars at work! I’m sure the bad guys will think twice now, once they realize that here in America, we will not falter, we will not rest, until those who wish to do us harm have a full-time job, with benefits and paid holidays.
And the 12-15 million Americans who are unemployed? No worries.
I know where they can get a great deal on cleats.
