“Don’t Speak Ill of the Dead” Is B.S.—And It’s Time We Talk About Why

Photo by The Good Funeral Guide on Unsplash

When someone dies, our society encourages us to default to polite euphemisms, glowing tributes, and carefully filtered memories. We soften sharp edges, rewrite entire histories, and strip away complexity in the name of “respect.”

But for many grievers—especially those mourning someone who was abusive, absent, estranged, or toxic — this cultural norm can feel like a form of emotional gaslighting.

The phrase “never speak ill of the dead” is everywhere. It g...