Guest Post – A Discourse on Repentance: Your Guide for Navigating the Repentance Process

Guest Post by Marth of Bethany

My experience with the LDS Church’s repentance process was an unfortunate one. While recovering from the process, I met with another Bishop and the church’s legal team was involved. Surprisingly, I was asked what I wanted.

 My request was simple, to provide a resource on the Gospel Library app or another easily accessible resource that would allow people going through the repentance process know what is appropriate and inappropriate for a bishop to say and do. If I had access to that information, surely my situation could have been prevented. While in the midst of “repentance”, I spent hours trying to grapple with not only the shame I felt for my transgression but also by how poorly I was treated by the bishop. As expected, my request was ignored. 

This wasn’t my first experience with a bishop and likely will not be my last, but it sure was a formative one. I find it insightful on how we can find information on polygamy, Kolob, the Kinderhook Plates, the King Follet Sermon and everything in between but guardrails for youth in a bishop’s interview was not easily accessible to me. While it is impossible to provide a “failsafe” guide on what is right or wrong in an interview, I can share some of my tips on if you choose to go through a repentance process. 

Bishop Roulette: Bishop Roulette is real. Many people have sacred and spiritual interactions with bishops and experience the positive outcomes of  the repentance process. I was not one of those people. Going through the repentance process really is like a box of chocolates, because you never know what kind of Bishop you’re going to get. I got a really bad one.

Goals and Boundaries: Know what your personal goals and boundaries are. When you walk into this office, you are probably seeking forgiveness and peace. You’re looking for a stronger connection with the Savior. It’s important to know within yourself what you’re willing to do to get there, and the answer shouldn’t be anything. Develop a deep sense of understanding that the Savior will never expect you to do anything immoral or protect an abuser for you to receive forgiveness.

Your Personal Relationship with the Savior: Don’t doubt your own personal connection to the Savior and the Spirit. During my process I was gaslit and I gaslit myself. In church we are taught that sin makes us unworthy of the companionship of the spirit. I sat in that office thinking I deserved what was going on because of my transgressions even though the entire time, the Spirit, my subconsciousness, my gut was telling me this was wrong.

Clarify Intentions with the Bishop: Don’t let a bishop work in ambiguity. Don’t let him work in secrecy. In the Book of Mormon, the Gadiaton Robbers were known for their secrets, and that was a problem. Some bishops tend to work in a gray space within the church where they hold a lot of power over people because of their secrets and shame while claiming they have a right to know. Young women like me can get caught in the bad intentions of grown men. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about timelines or expectations in your contact with the bishop. You are expected to be upfront, so they should be too.

Set Boundaries: Don’t be afraid to assert physical boundaries. It’s weird when a grown up, who is a male, comes and tries to sit closer to you when you’re in a room alone with them – sometimes late at night. Consider the timing and place of your appointments. It’s weird to meet late at night with a bishop in the church building while no one else is there. Don’t be bullied by bishops into meeting with them during weird times or in weird places.

Find a Therapist: Your bishop is most likely not a therapist. So don’t treat them as such. Maybe find one to help you navigate that space.

Don’t Go Alone: Consider taking a friend in with you. If a friend is going to judge you in your moment of need, are they really your friend?

Don’t Overshare: You don’t have to share and reshare everything. Contrary to what we are taught, bishops don’t actually need to know everything. For example, asking for explicit details over and over again is too much. In addition to that, also know when your bishop is sharing too much, when they begin to talk about their own family, imperfections, or infidelity. Know that that is a red flag.

Some Men Like Submissive Women: If you choose to do this process, know that men who are typically in these positions of authority expect women to typically be in their position of submission. Women in the church are taught, sometimes very directly, that they are meant to be submissive. Unfortunately, this is one way you will have a better outcome if you lean into the narrative. The LDS patriarchy views strong women the same way that traditional Christian men view Mother Eve: disobedient, selfish, rebellious, and prideful. 

I do not understand how the process I went through was supposed to emulate anything remotely to an uplifting spiritual experience, but I hope that you or your daughter, or friend, neighbor, mother, dog, cat, mouse, whoever can use this as a helpful springboard towards navigating their path. Feel free to comment your advice below to help protect our fellow sisters and brothers.

Martha of Bethany is the writing moniker of a lifelong member of the Church who, like her biblical namesake, considers herself a close friend of the Savior. Rooted in faith yet unafraid to wrestle with hard questions, she writes from the tension between devotion and doubt on LDS policies, protocols, and doctrines.