Why You Snap (And How to Stop): Breaking Free From Emotional Reactivity

Do you ever snap at someone, shut down, or blurt something sharp… then immediately regret it and think, what was that about?!

Yeah. Me too.

If you’re nodding your head yes, you’re definitely not alone. What you are, most likely, is emotionally activated by something from your past. And in this episode of The Terri Cole Show, I break down why this happens, how to spot it, and what to do instead.

Think of this as a practical way to feel a little less out of control and a little more like yourself again.

https://youtu.be/ZvDr8zR-fB8

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why We React (Even When We Don’t Want To)

Let’s start with the root: emotional activation.

I use the term “activation” instead of “triggered,” because for some, even the word trigger can be… well, triggering. What we’re talking about here are past wounds, unmet needs, or unresolved experiences that get poked by something in our present.

Examples?

If you have a mother wound, even a small comment about your parenting might sting more than it should.If you grew up around manipulation, you might either overreact to it now or get pulled into it without realizing.

Add in unresolved trauma, especially from childhood, and you’ve got a perfect recipe for disproportionate reactions.

What Reactivity Feels Like: Hijacked by the Past

Emotional reactivity often comes with a full-blown nervous system response: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. These were once essential survival mechanisms, but in our modern lives, they often get activated in situations that aren’t life-threatening.

That moment you snap at your partner after a long day?
That icy silence you give instead of saying what you feel?
That sudden wave of defensiveness when someone offers feedback?

These aren’t random; they’re clues.

We’re not reacting to just this moment. We’re reacting to every moment that came before it that looks or feels similar. That’s the hijacking.

Signs You’re Reacting (Not Responding)

How do you know when it’s happening?

Regretting what you said almost immediatelyPassive-aggressive behaviorSaying yes when you want to say noDisproportionate anger or offenseBeing overly defensive

When you’re reacting, you’re not choosing. You’re just acting.

In my 20s, I lived in this place. Constantly defensive. Saying hurtful things I didn’t mean. Feeling justified in the moment, but later? Full of regret. That was emotional immaturity, yes. But it was also emotional insecurity rooted in unhealed pain.

Defensiveness, by the way, often shows up when we feel like we’re being attacked even if we aren’t. When you’re carrying old wounds, simple interactions can start to feel like battles. And when you’re always preparing to defend yourself, there’s very little room for connection.

How Conditioning Teaches Women to Hide Their Hurt

I think many of us can be tough on ourselves when we overreact or say something we regret. But the truth is, reacting is a very human experience. There are usually good reasons for what you’re doing. Reasons that make sense once you slow down and look a little deeper.

So please hear this: You have many good reasons for reacting the way you do. Your brain makes sense. And the critical part is that it is possible to change.

What To Do Instead: The Practice of Responding

This isn’t about perfection, it’s about progress.

Here’s how we begin shifting out of reactivity and into intentional response:

Pause and Breathe
Literally. Right now, try it. Inhale… 1, 2, 3. Exhale. Soften your shoulders.

When something activates you, commit to taking a full minute before responding. If it’s a text or email, give yourself 24 hours. You are allowed to take that time.

Bonus Grounding Exercise: 5-4-3-2-1

Name 5 things you see4 things you can touch3 things you hear2 things you smell1 thing you taste

It brings your attention back to your body, back to now. It hands you the wheel again.

Name the Feeling
What just happened? What are you actually feeling?

Last night, I snapped at my husband over something ridiculously small. What to watch on TV. (He never watches without me, and the decision fatigue was real.) But when I paused, breathed, and examined it, I realized I wasn’t mad about the show.

I was feeling alone. Tired. Worn out from writing my book. Like everything was on me.

That’s what it was really about.

So I owned it. I said, “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I just took it out on you.”

And of course, in true Pisces form, he was all chill and love. But the bigger win? I didn’t stay hijacked. I came back to myself.

Identify the Activation Point
Is this about now? Or does it feel familiar?

That familiar feeling is a flag. Something old is driving the emotional bus.

Name it. Acknowledge it. You don’t need to psychoanalyze every detail, just gently recognize the echo.

Talk It Out or Act It Out
When something goes sideways, you have two choices: talk it out or act it out.

One leads to clarity. The other leads to confusion.

Sometimes we don’t apologize. We just bring our partner a cup of tea or act extra cheerful. That falls under the defense mechanism of undoing. It’s not the worst thing in the world—but it’s not a specific repair either.

Talking it out creates resolution. Acting it out keeps the tension alive under the surface.

Self-Soothe Before Re-Engaging
Walk. Journal. Hug a tree. Seriously. Get grounded before you respond.

Self-soothing doesn’t mean stuffing your feelings. It means creating space to hear them clearly.

Boundaries Make Everything Better

One of the most powerful tools for reducing emotional reactivity? Boundaries.

When your space, time, and energy are protected, you’re less likely to explode, implode, or overextend. When you know where you end and others begin, there’s more room for response and less urgency to react.

Let’s make this real:

“I need a moment before we continue this conversation.”“I’m not in a space to respond thoughtfully right now. I’ll circle back.”“I don’t feel good about saying yes, so I’m going to say no.”

These phrases are bridges, not walls. They build safety, not separation.

And remember: Reactivity often spikes when boundaries have been crossed. The earlier you recognize that signal, the faster you can reclaim your peace.

Every Pause Is a Radical Act of Self-Love

Reactivity creates regret. Responding creates respect.

Every time you pause, breathe, and reflect before speaking or acting, you’re giving yourself a little more room to move through the hard stuff.

Because when your past tries to hijack the moment, you don’t have to let it.
You can slow it down, pause, and reflect. And you can choose something different.

If you want a guide to walk you through this, I created one for you here.

Are you emotionally reactive? Did this resonate? I want to hear from you.

Leave a comment. Let’s yak it out.

And as always, take care of you.

4 FAQ Questions:

Q1: What’s the difference between being “triggered” and “emotionally activated”? A: Emotional activation is a gentler term for when past wounds or unmet needs get poked by something in the present. While “triggered” can feel harsh or clinical, activation acknowledges that your nervous system is responding to familiar patterns without judgment.

Q2: How long should I pause before responding when I feel activated? A: At minimum, take one full minute to breathe before responding. For texts or emails, give yourself 24 hours when possible. Remember: you’re allowed to take that time, and it’s better than responding from a reactive place.

Q3: What if I’ve already reacted poorly – is it too late to fix it? A: It’s never too late! You can always circle back with an apology and explanation. Try: “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair. I was feeling [overwhelmed/hurt/tired] and took it out on you.” Talking it out creates resolution; acting it out keeps tension alive.

Q4: How do boundaries help reduce emotional reactivity? A: When your time, energy, and space are protected, you’re less likely to explode or overextend. Boundaries create breathing room between you and others, giving you space to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.