6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 2)

6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differenc... Try the ‘Next-Day Rule’ Hack for a Ha...

6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 2)

I think we can probably all agree that we are living in a weird moment. Ten years ago, who would have thought that the concept of gender would become so convoluted and divisive? Sure, some people would get defensive at the idea of gender differences, but it wasn’t quite a “third rail” in the way it is today. In our cultural moment, it can feel easier to avoid the whole topic.

I’m not sure we should. Those of us who explore these matters from both a scientific and a scriptural perspective see something important to celebrate: that we are made different in some ways—and made the way we are for a reason.

This fact alone can dial down the fear factor, which we touched upon last week.

In Part 1 I shared three ideas for engaging in these conversations winsomely and with empathy—yet grounded in truth and scientific fact. (If you haven’t seen Part 1, I’d recommend backing up to read that blog first.) Below, are three more suggestions for how to continue the conversation by leaning into the science and—for those of us who believe the bible speaks clearly and with relevance on this issue—being aware of scripture.

4. Understand what the overall research says.

The scope of the research on this topic is pretty staggering, and overall it points in one direction—whether one is looking at neuroscience, linguistics, physiology, pharmacology, endocrinology, cognitive science, anthropology, psychology, or a dozen other fields, having either XY or XX chromosomes does create certain biological male-female differences that play out strongly in common gender differences.

Of course, as I make a point to say on every podcast and at every marriage event, that does not mean that all men are the same and all women are the same. As humans, after all, we are more similar than we are different. Further, everyone is an individual. Millions of the glorious differences in brain wiring, hormones, upbringing, and personality create billions of unique individuals.

However. The research is also clear that some sex/gender-based patterns are really stark. An example is found in certain patterns of brain wiring. Yes, any of us might have neurobiological characteristics that are more common to the opposite sex (such as a man who is most comfortable processing verbally rather than internally, or a woman who has a particularly high sexual drive). But the exceptions don’t create a rule.

For example, one study out last year from Stanford (discussed below) found that male and female brains are consistently wired so differently, that AI models could almost always look at a particular brain scan and tell whether the subject was a man or a woman.

Just as XY and XX chromosomes guide mutually exclusive developmental pathways, they also shape those distinct and consistent male-female wiring patterns.

5. Be aware of a recent Stanford study.

The Stanford study—published in one of the most prestigious scientific journals in the world—is long, dense, and difficult for us non-neuroscientists to understand. But if you want to try to wade through it, it is also fascinating. The researchers pointed out that traditional brain imaging methods often blurred things together and was thus better at identifying what men and women had in common (which is also valuable!). But in this study they used a new method, called a spatiotemporal deep neural network, or stDNN, which analyzes brain activity dynamically across time.

They mapped resting brain organization activity (something researchers call a “fingerprint”) in a group of 1,500 20- to 35-year-olds. Then they used a big-data AI model to analyze it. The AI model was able to tell whether a particular scan was of a man or a woman with 90% accuracy.

And that doesn’t mean that 10% of people have gender-fluid brains. Other specialized brain maps they created were even more stark.

For example, look at this chart—and show it to someone who thinks men and women are essentially the same, or that gender is a fluid social construct. The distinct “fingerprints” grouped in this chart represent one map of the activity of those 1,500 brains at rest. Not only do male and female brains group into opposite corners; there is literally no overlap in activity.

Source: Ryali, S., Zhang, Y., de los Angeles, C., Supekar, K., & Menon, V. (2024). Deep learning models reveal replicable, generalizable, and behaviorally relevant sex differences in human functional brain organization. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 121(9), e2310012121. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2310012121

It doesn’t take an AI model to look at each data point here and tell which gender is which. Male and female brains are simply designed differently in some ways.

And not surprisingly, these distinct brain characteristics show up in multiple practical ways. The Stanford researchers found “sex-specific cognitive profiles”—patterns of mental strengths and tendencies—that often lead to different ways of thinking and acting. In fact, the patterns were so precise and distinct that when an AI model was trained on the male brain scans and tried to apply that learning to female brain scans (and vice versa) it didn’t even work. Essentially, scientists needed a map of the male brain and a map of the female brain, and weren’t going to get anywhere if they tried to use the map for the opposite sex.

Writing about these important findings for the Institute for Family Studies, Leonard Sax concluded, “There are hardwired female/male differences, and those differences matter. Ignoring reality is never best practice.”

I would add: Ignoring reality is never best practice if we want great relationships with the opposite sex. I’m grateful to see the continued, robust neuroscientific basis for what our surveys have found about how these “hardwired” differences tend to play out in practical ways in everything from how we process conflict to secret male and female insecurities.

6. Recognize that gender differences were God’s idea—and most people don’t dispute them.

Not every blog reader shares the Christian faith, but for those who do, let’s dial all the noise down and simply remember that God could have created one type of person and instead He created two. And He called this very good.

So God created mankind in his own image,

in the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them.

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

(Genesis 1:27,31 NIV)

Celebrating our male-ness or our female-ness and seeing those two ways of being as “very good” is where we should strive to land as well.

I believe this is where most people do land. The vast majority of people are not wrestling with whether biological sex differences play out in common gender differences. For example, in a recent Pew poll, 89% of respondents agreed, “Men and women are basically different when it comes to how they express their feelings.” This obvious reality that we see on the outside is based (yet again) in brain wiring differences on the inside. And most people know that. Most people have common sense on this and are just trying to live life in a complex culture that has suddenly gone (in my opinion) slightly crazy on this subject.

So if you happen to encounter a culture-warrior who vehemently disagrees with you, you can be winsome and caring, truthful and kind. You can also recognize that they are the outlier, not you.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space. You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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