6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 1)

Our Daughter Said Yes!!! 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differenc...

6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 1)

It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to the person next to me on an airplane—people keep asking the same question: “Since you’ve done so much gender research, how do you respond to this hot-button topic these days?”

They often follow up with: “What do you say to people in today’s cultural space who insist that gender differences do not exist or are a social construct?”

Let’s talk about that. What do Jeff and I say to folks who think there really aren’t two sexes and/or that it’s mostly just a matter of identity? How do we respond to those who say men and women start out the same, but are culturally conditioned to behave differently? Or to those who have come to believe that all the talk about men and women being wired differently is mostly part of a misogynistic narrative that should be actively debunked?

It occurred to me that I should share how I respond at times—including with some strategy, statistics, research, and winsome truth—in case it helps you to be confident discussing this important topic with others. I know not every reader is in the same place regarding things of faith, but I personally believe we are called to engage our culture with the truth of how we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

So if you’re interested in that too, I’m going to suggest that you strap in, put on your thinking cap, and get ready for a robust discussion. I hope this blog will be a sort of helpful tool you can pull out of your toolbox the next time you’re confronted with some of the cultural myths about gender today. In fact, I encourage you to save this post to your search engine favorites (or pin if you’re reading by email.)

Below I share three suggestions, and in Part 2 of this blog, I’ll share three more.

1. Get a sense for where the person is coming from.

Remember that who you are talking to is just as important as the content of the conversation. It could be, as you sit in the bleachers at your kids’ practice, that the fellow sports-parent who raises this topic just learned that one of their children wants to transition. It could be that your colleague is happily gay and annoyed by people who assume he also wrestles with gender identity. It could be that the woman who brings this up in your new bible study left an abusive husband and is very sensitive to the church standing against misogyny and the damaging idea that gender differences are an excuse for bad behavior (“boys will be boys”).

Before we open our mouths and share our opinion with someone, it defuses a lot of defensiveness and creates a much better space for listening and conversation, when we first get a sense for them. For example, we could do one or more of these helpful things:

Get curious: “Everyone is in a different place on this. I’m curious what you think.”Acknowledge the emotions and the climate: “I know there are lot of different emotions and beliefs around this topic today, and we may have different opinions about it.”Empathize: “I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced that discrimination as a woman in business; that’s just so wrong.”Find common ground: “I know we both care about fairness and respect for everyone.”Agree where we can: “Yes, everyone is an individual, and culture shapes us a lot.”Avoid creating false either/or distinctions (such as “it’s all biology” or “it’s all culture”) and instead reply with something like, “For sure, differences come from both nature and nurture.”

Where we have strong beliefs (including those formed by our understanding of science and scripture), we must have equally strong love and compassion for those we are speaking with. Everyone has a story, and we don’t know what is going on behind the scenes in their heart and in their home.

A compassionate and curious approach creates some room for the next points.

2. Know the difference between “sex” and “gender.”

One thing that causes a lot of confusion is that we often use these words interchangeably. But they don’t mean exactly the same thing—and that nuance is where a lot of the current controversy lives.

There are lots of different ways of defining each word (which is part of the problem), but for the moment let’s make the distinction this way:

“Sex” (or sexuality) refers to biological, inborn characteristics, and uses the words “Male” or “Female.” Everyone who took high school biology learned that there are two sets of chromosomes (either XY or XX) and related reproductive systems—and they are mutually exclusive. Except in extremely rare cases of chromosomal deformity, every human is either XY (male) or XX (female), period.“Gender” generally refers to how those inborn characteristics show up—how they are embodied in men and women. In Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body (a comprehensive resource used by both Catholics and Protestants), gender is presented as an essential part of each person’s being, based in our biological sex. The latter idea is what has become controversial in some circles, as some people now believe that it is not biology that determines gender but how a person feels and sees themselves (their “gender identity”).

The easiest way to build common ground in conversation with almost everyone is to start with the assumption that they, too, believe there are two biological sexes, based on XY and XX chromosomes. There may be some exceptions, but very few people are comfortable disagreeing with that fact.

And as we will cover in Part 2, that one fact leads to many others. Once we accept there are indeed mutually exclusive biological characteristics based on our chromosomes, many other dominos follow. For example, having two different sets of chromosomes leads to two different ways that the brain is wired. (In Part 2, you will not want to miss the stunning data and chart from a recent neuroscience study). It leads to two different ways that our physical, neurological, and hormonal structure is set up. Thus, whether people realize it or not, it also provides every human’s starting point for even our mental idea of what gender is.

Ironically, those who believe gender is fluid and mostly self-determined are operating based on a neurological starting point given to them as part of their distinct, unchanging, biological sex and brain functionality.

In other words, our biology directly affects how we think about gender.

3. Know what the neuroscientists think.

Neuroscientists who actually study male-female differences are privately amused by the notion that biological sex differences do not play out in some common gender differences between men and women. A few years back, I had the opportunity to interview one such neuroscientist, an eminent figure who is widely published and cited, and highly respected in the field. This expert asked to remain anonymous in order to speak candidly.

This neuroscientist said that many of the common differences we see between men and women “have some important, non-trivial foundation in brain wiring . . . That is the very foundation that the anti-sex-difference crowd is trying to say is not true. But they are wrong.”

When I asked why this is even still a controversy today, when sophisticated fMRI brain scans show so many meaningful differences, the neuroscientist said, “Refusing to acknowledge the possibility of sex differences is done out of fear. The fear that the statement ‘men and women aren’t the same’ is going to be interpreted as ‘men and women aren’t equal.’” We can help lower that fear by building mutual understanding and respect, without giving into the idea that we have to be “the same” to do so. In Part 2, we will hear more from neuroscience and other sources to help us navigate this topic today.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space. You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog:

6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 1)It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to…

Our Daughter Said Yes!!!We knew this day would come. That little peanut who was born 25 years ago, who we have adored and…

Married couple cuddling in bed, illustrating intimacy and emotional connection in marriage

What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but…