Anger: Escape from the Neurotic Paradox

In the 1960s, the psychologist O. Hobart Mowrer coined a famous term for the way in which we tend to persist in bad habits, despite the long-term suffering they cause us. He called it the Neurotic Paradox. Theoretically, we should learn from the consequences of our actions, and change our habits, but for some reason we do not. Many great thinkers have been puzzled by this over the centuries. For example, Spinoza wrote:

Human lack of power to moderate and restrain the passions I call Bondage. For the man who is subject to passions is under the control, not of himself, but of fortune, in whose power he so greatly is that often, though he sees the better for himself, he is still forced to follow the worse. — Ethica, IV, preface

Spinoza and Mowrer were right. Even today, psychotherapists recognize this basic paradox as a common factor in most emotional problems, although it can take many different forms. Of all emotions, though, the most striking example of this paradox occurs in anger. Angry people, for the most part, behave in ways they describe in the heat of the moment as "necessary” to get what they want. Later, however, when they’re no longer angry, have calmed down and are thinking more rationally, they often (but not always) look back on their anger with regret.

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Cost-Benefit Analysis

Theoretically, under normal conditions, we can decide which course of action to follow by weighing up the consequences, or pros and cons, of the available options — a process known as cost-benefit analysis. This can take time to do properly. Few people are able to think through the consequences of different courses of action comprehensively on their first pass. In order to perform rational problem-solving, we have to:

Define the problem our goals, and the major obstacles, concisely and without bias

Identify the full range of potential solutions available to us

Consider the consequences of each course of action and classify them as pros or cons

Ask ourselves whether those consequences are real or imaginary, how long they last, and whether we might be exaggerating or underestimating them

Consider whether solutions could be combined or if some would be better broken down into their elements

Rank the solutions in terms of how quickly and easily they could be implemented

Select the solution with the best overall net worth by weighing the costs against the benefits

This can be a useful approach, if you have time. It can take patience, however, and in the heat of the moment most people are too angry to think through a cost-benefit analysis properly and calculate the net worth of their actions by weighting the costs against the benefits. Nevertheless, patiently reviewing the costs and benefits when you are not feeling angry, can be beneficial, if repeated regularly.

It’s usually easier to consider the short-term consequences of our actions. Evaluating the longer-term consequences, and wider impact, tends to take more time and effort. The bigger picture is often discussed during a therapy or coaching session, when you are feeling more calm and rational. By talking through and writing down your cost-benefit analysis, it can get easier to recall some of the details, or at least the overall conclusion, when you next become angry again. As we shall see, there are techniques that can help you to do this by bridging the gap between your calm and rational mode of thinking and your angry mode of thinking.

Consequence Blindness

When we become angry, our brain enters a different state, which cognitive psychologists call the hostility mode. The fight-or-flight response is triggered, changing our body’s physiology, but, more importantly, our brain begins to function differently. Non-conscious implicit “cognitive schemas” are activated, which are deep-seated clusters of beliefs that shape our feelings and behaviour, centred around themes such as threat and helplessness. Our prefrontal cortex becomes less dominant and the limbic system hijacks our thinking, which becomes heavily biased in ways that significantly impair our capacity for rational decision-making, problem-solving, and empathic understanding. We find it particularly difficult to evaluate the longer-term consequences of our actions as the red mist descends.

This is highlighted by the frequency with which angry people later, when no longer angry, express regret for their actions. What seemed like a good idea at the time, or the only option, no longer seems like it was the right thing to do. This temporary blindness to consequences is closely-associated with other well-established characteristics of anger. Research consistently shows that angry people tend to behave more impulsively and recklessly. Cognitive studies have shown that whereas anxious people overestimate risks, anger tends to make us underestimate risk, which can even mean that we place ourselves and other people in danger. People who are most prone to anger, therefore, have more accidents than average, and their life expectancy tends to be shorter. In extreme cases, they are more likely to engage in risky behaviour, and get themselves injured or even killed.

Plato had a great analogy for this. Someone armed with a sword can potentially kill anyone he pleases — he is armed and dangerous. That may give him a sense of power or control. Imagine, however, that he is blindfolded. He is dangerous but, in a sense, powerless, because he has no idea whether he is stabbing his friends or his enemies. He can cause harm but lacks insight into the consequences of his actions — he’s just waving a sword around blindly. Later, when the blindfold is removed, he may regret his actions. When your brain enters the hostility mode, you get a surge of adrenaline and may even have more physical strength and energy, but your judgment is severely clouded. During anger you become like a blindfolded swordsman.

Simplification

On the occasion of every act ask yourself, “How is this with respect to me? Shall I repent of it?” — Meditations, 8.2

One solution is to simplify and condense the process of decision-making so that it uses less time, energy, and mental bandwidth (“cognitive load”) during episodes of anger. If we don’t have time for rational problem-solving and rigorous cost-benefit analysis we can potentially find a “quick and dirty” form of decision-making, which still functions adequately under heightened stress and time pressure. You may have to be able to do something very simple if you’re going to regain your self-awareness quickly enough.

For example, we can use a technique called “time projection” to simply imagine ourselves looking back on our anger and aggression from a time in the future, when we’re no longer angry, and imagine, for a moment, whether we will regret what we were about to do. That can be done quite quickly by asking ourselves a question such as one of the following:

Will I regret this later?

How will I feel about this when I’m no longer angry?

What will I make of this looking back on it, one day, in the future?

There’s another very powerful question, which I have found people can quite easily ask themselves even in the heat of the moment.

What does me more harm: my anger or the thing about which I'm angry?

That question can be answered in two different ways. The first is simply by considering whether the consequences of getting angry are more harmful than the situation about which you’re angry. The other requires adopting a slightly more philosophical perspective by asking yourself whether anger might be intrinsically harmful, regardless of its consequences, because it’s inherently incompatible with your core values, and the type of person you want to be in life. We can refer to that as shifting our orientation from external goals toward internal ones, or adopting a values orientation.

Values Orientation

About what am I now employing my own soul? On every occasion I must ask myself this question, and inquire, “What have I now in this part of me which they call the ruling principle? And whose soul have I now? That of a child, a youth, […] a tyrant, a domesticated animal, or a wild beast?” — Meditations, 5.11

Anger, as we have seen, specifically impairs our ability to think about the consequences of our actions, especially the longer-term consequences — and it makes it difficult to perform more demanding calculations such as weighing the costs against the benefits. However, thinking about the consequences of our actions is not the only way that humans make decisions. Although many people take it for granted that this is how decisions should be made, in fact, others simply consult their values and principles instead.

Of course, these two perspectives are not mutually exclusive, we can potentially combine them. However, when we’re under emotional stress, our attention is narrowed, and our mental bandwidth is significantly reduced, we may find it much more efficient simply to ask ourselves:

How does my anger and aggression right now accord with my core values?

Is this really the type of person that I want to be in life?

What sort of person have I become right now? Is this what I want my life to be about?

Here we are specifically referring to valued character traits or what ancient philosophers called the virtues. They’re also the qualities you tend to admire most in the character of other people.

Of course, the problem with this approach is that most people don’t have any values. More accurately, they don’t know what their values are, or they have very vague and abstract values. That can easily be resolved by spending some time clarifying your values when you are feeling calm and relaxed, and writing down concise notes on their personal meaning for you. In reality, most people tend to identify surprisingly similar values. The cardinal virtues of Stoicism were wisdom, justice (including kindness), temperance, and fortitude. Most people value wisdom, and these other traits, but the words probably have a slightly different connotation for everyone. Ask yourself how you would label the character traits you most value, and then explore what their personal meaning is to you.

This process can go on for a lifetime. However, spending even ten minutes doing it will usually make it much easier for you to consult your values in real situations. Even if the answer is not conclusive, that doesn’t matter. The big problem occurs when you’re completely unable to consult your values because they’re so vague that you can’t connect with them even a little. In my experience, most people can interrupt anger, in the heat of the moment, simply by pausing to ask themselves: “How does this align with my core values?”

It’s works even better if you can reference specific values. For example, you might say “How does getting mad right now square with the value I place on being a patient human being?” or “Is yelling at my kids a form of temperance or is it the opposite?” or “How is it just of me to rigidly demand that other people do what I want?”, and so on. Think of the type of person you want to be in life and ask yourself, when you notice anger starting to appear, whether it’s in accord with those values or not. You may even be able to activate your values orientation with a single word or phrase, lightening the cognitive load while nevertheless snapping yourself out of the trance of anger.

In Nikos Kazantzakis' novel Zorba the Greek, the central character is an unusual man who ridicules the whole idea of decision-making by rational calculation, or cost-benefit analysis. Zorba laughs at his English friend, and boss, for overthinking everything.

You think too much. That is your trouble. Clever people and grocers, they weigh everything. — Zorba the Greek

Zorba lived completely in the moment. He valued integrity, resilience, and courage. Critics see him as excessively childlike because of his extreme spontaneity. However, he illustrates an alternative way of life, which does not depend upon weighing up the consequences of every action, but is not completely reckless either, because he is guided by certain values.

Nobody views Zorba as a role model. We’re told did some terrible things earlier in his life, and he makes some reckless decisions in the novel. He perhaps lacks certain values. However, there is something appealing about him. He shows us that it may be possible to live well without having to weigh every decision in the moment. The Indian mystic and philosopher, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, used to say that he called his ideal was “Zorba the Buddha”, someone who combined the wisdom of Buddha with the freedom and vitality of Zorba. If you can be fully present in the moment, but allow your core values to guide your actions, you may be able to combine wisdom and immediacy. Learning how to act wisely without having to think too much, by getting clearer about your values, is often our best defense against anger.

What do you do, though, instead of what anger is telling you to do? The basic strategy for dealing with anger is postponement, or doing nothing, until our anger has naturally abated, and we can think calmly and rationally once again. However, if you have to take action, rather than trying to plan what you’re going to say and do systematically, it’s often quicker just to ask yourself what would way of behaving be most in accord with your core values. Acting in accord with your values usually takes effort, but it may be less effort than trying to engage in rational problem-solving, while you’re still feeling the effects of anger.

Look over this article, and consider the simple questions mentioned above. What would happen if you ask yourself these things in order to nip anger in the bud? Could you even focus on these sorts of questions before, during, and after episodes of anger — to really drive home the new mind-set? Please comment on this article and let me know what you find the most helpful things to say to yourself when you notice that you’re beginning to get angry unnecessarily. It’s often useful to read about other people’s coping strategies. What works, in many cases, is very simple, and may even appear like common sense, but we often don’t see the wood for the trees when it comes to self-improvement, and we can gain confidence and focus by learning how other people succeed in coping with similar problems.

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