Abby Redux IX

(Our favorite grumpy advice columnist takes on facebook and other bacteria)

Well, I did it. It took some effort; after all, she’s pretty busy these days, and she doesn’t think much of me. (For that matter, she doesn’t think much of you, either. Or you.) But I did it.

Abby’s back.

For those of you who haven’t met her, Abby Redux is an advice columnist who pops round every now and again to share her column with us. Abby has several interesting characteristics:

She has the same first name as another famous advice columnist and the same last name as a famous John Updike novel
She has a seriously bad attitude and no patience whatsoever, which, you have to admit, is an intriguing approach for an advice columnist
She doesn’t actually exist

Some say Abby should work on her interpersonal skills – a tricky challenge at best, what with her being all, like, nonexistent and stuff. Others maintain that, given the caliber of questions lobbed at her, we’re lucky she’s not facing multiple indictments for felony assault.

I’ll let you decide.

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Dear Abby Redux,

Today on facebook, I saw a profile of a young man who said he was a woman. Then he/she said she/he was in a relationship. With another woman. I’m very confused.

Signed, Dotty Frump

Dear Dotty,

This is why our parents always told us to go the bathroom before getting in the car.

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Dear Abby Redux,

Remember those nuclear reactors in Japan that were damaged by earthquakes and tsunamis? Did you hear the Japanese government has decided it’s safe to turn them back on?

Signed, Rhett Allurt

Dear Rhett,

I wouldn’t worry about it. Hey – damaged nuclear reactors, tsunamis, Pacific Ring of Fire, Godzilla – what could go wrong?

But if I were you, I’d stock up on canned tuna.

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Dear Abby Redux,

Looks like the election season’s reached the next phase. Somebody on the news said that Mitt Romney is spending the next few days on a bus tour.

Signed, Paul Stuhr

Dear Paul,

Must be an awfully big bus.

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Dear Abby Redux,

Looks like the election season’s reached the next phase. The President keeps showing up on TV, saying illegal aliens are American citizens in every way except one: “on paper.” What’s that mean, on paper? What is he talking about?

Signed, Eileen Wright

Dear Eileen,

Let’s put it this way. Go to a car dealership, find a car you like, and take it home. Just drive it off the lot and keep it. Later, when the TV crews and the SWAT team converge on your lawn, just tell ‘em you own the car in every way except one.

And good luck in prison.

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Dear Abby Redux,

The guys at work invited me to join them for lunch. But the place they chose was a strip-tease/pole-dancing club that has, if you can believe it, a lunch buffet. Do you think I should accept the invite? I don’t want to seem rude.

Signed, Maury Gretz

Dear Maury,

Go, go. Enjoy the buffet. Just avoid the food. And if your waitress is wearing a sneeze guard, run like the wind.

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Dear Abby Redux,

Y’all gone love this. My old lady drove over by the Kwik Korner Mart to grab some beer, cigarettes, bait, and this month’s edition of Popular Quantum Mechanics. Then, I reckon, the cashier punched up some buttons wrong.

Haaaaw! Was the wife ever whiffed when the cash register displayed a total of $18,228! Why, it narrilly got ugly!

Signed, Parvo N. Sutch

Dear Parvo,

Eighteen large? Filled up with gas, too, did she?

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Dear Abby Redux,

On facebook, I keep seeing profiles of young men wearing lots of eye makeup, and girls of an impressionable age sporting shaved heads, lizard tattoos, and full combat gear. Their faces all look like they were attacked by shiny napkin rings. It’s all very confusing. How many genders do we have now anyway?

Signed, Dotty Frump

Dear Dotty,

You might wanna give facebook a few days’ rest. Concerning your ‘how many genders’ question; well, that depends. On the East Coast, we’re still going with two. On the West Coast, the jury’s still out.

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Dear Abby Redux,

I heard that the British Prime Minister left one of his children in a bar. Is the kid okay?

Signed, Roy L. Gokker

Dear Roy,

The kid’s fine. As it happens, that pub was a scheduled stop on Mitt Romney’s bus tour. He untied his dog from the top of the bus, strapped on little Britlet, and safely got the lad home. But Romney, in turn, forgot the dog at the bar.

Unfortunately, the same bar had been targeted by Michelle Obama’s “Schooner or Later Tour,” her whirlwind crusade to have draft beer replaced by a low-sodium vegetable medley. And at some point during the afternoon’s occupation of the pub, President Obama ate the dog.

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Dear Abby Redux,

Here in South Carolina, a woman was accused of forging checks and then stealing over $100,000 in stuff from Home Depot. What an idiot! Didn’t even check the Lowe’s across the street for better prices!

Signed, Ida Shoptmore

Dear Ida,

It gets better. The forger was assisted by a newly hired clerk, an orange-vested octogenarian named Maury Gretz. Imagine Lady Forger’s conversation with that guy:

Maury: Hi. Thanks for choosing Home Depot, which you didn’t have to do, since for some insane reason we’re always located directly across the street from a Lowe’s. My name’s Maury, and I’m the only person in my family to have nearly completed the fourth grade.

Forger: Who are all those people lined up out front?

Maury: Illegal aliens.

Forger: Can we still say ‘illegal aliens?’

Maury: Sorry. Undocumented Democrats.

Forger: What are they doing out front?

Maury: Contractors drive up, the day-workers hop in, contractors drive off. It’s kinda like a makeshift employment office, but without that pesky “taxable wages” angle.

Forger: Ah. Hey, I’d like to buy all these stoves.

Maury: OK.

Forger: Do you have any more?

Maury: Yes.

Forger: Do you have any more?

Maury: Yes.

Forger: Do you have any more?

Maury: No.

Forger: Can I buy some illegal aliens?

Maury: I’ll have to ask.

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Dear Abby Redux,

OMG. My BFF read a facebook post that said Hawaiian natives used to kill sharks by boiling coconuts and then throwing the boiling hot coconuts at the sharks!

Signed, Hannah Lou Lewe

Dear Hannah,

And some still say there’s no scientific proof for global warming.

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Dear Abby Redux,

My doctor just switched one of my meds, and it’s causing some unexpected side effects. I find myself madly attracted to any man dressed like Thor, the god of thunder. What do you advise?

Signed, Tia Neigh

Dear Tia,

I just ran your question by the guys on my staff, and they asked me to ask you: what’s the name of that medication?

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Dear Abby Redux,

Did you see that amazing video of the tightrope walker? The one who walked across Niagara Falls from Canada to America? Wow!

Signed, Esa Lee Amuste

Dear Esa,

It gets better. Now that they guy got across the border in to America, he’s instantly eligible for health care, in-state tuition, and provisional membership in the Elks. Afterwards, he’ll be driven by an ACORN staffer to either a voter registration office or an abortion clinic.

Then, in return for registering as a Democrat voter, he’ll get to have dinner with the President, both Arlen Specters, and either Sarah Jessica Parker or Seabiscuit.

Of course, depending on the cognitive and observational skills of our new friend, he may realize that, technically, he can’t have an abortion because he’s not a she. Not a problem! Planned Parenthood will take care of the sex change operation, arrange for him to get pregnant, take care of the abortion and all the paperwork and, for a small fee, set up His and Her facebook accounts.

Dotty’s gonna love that.

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Dear Abby Redux,

Maybe you can verify this for me. Somebody on facebook said one of the fast food chains is gonna add bacon sundaes to their menu! Can you imagine such a thing?

Signed, Anna Richsia

Dear Anna,

Wouldn’t surprise me at all. Apparently that tired, boring health food craze has died of malnutrition. I heard that Dairy King will soon be offering drive-thru cholesterol injections, and Burger Queen is test marketing something they call the Triple Blockage With Cheese. The Hard Rock Café is looking to debut a “Kevin Bacon Burger” that actually includes Kevin Bacon.

Next thing you know, we’ll be seeing “I Dare You To Eat All This” ads from Five EMT Guys, Jack-in-the-Pine-Box, and Taco Knell.

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Dear Abby Redux,

I’m at my wit’s end. My husband got on facebook and fell in love with my therapist’s ex-husband. What do I do?

Signed, Senator Clyde Stale

Dear Senator,

Can’t talk to you right now, dear. I’ve a bit of an office emergency. All my staff just showed up dressed as Norse gods.

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Dear Abby Redux,

On facebook, I got a friend request from a group of Vegan Cambodian Transgendered Vampire Nudist Bikers. They’re trying to raise money to stage some kind of “Four Horsemen” protest near a nuclear reactor somewhere in Japan. Should I accept the friend request?

Signed, Dotty Frump

Dear Dotty,

Shut up.

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