Guest Post: How to Support a Childless Friend or Family Member

Guest Post by Erin N. Price

Image by Natalia Lavrinenko from Pixabay

Note: This is a companion piece to “On Being Childless in a Family-Centered Church,” published in the summer edition of the Exponent II Magazine. Look for that in your mailbox in a few weeks.

For most of my life, I didn’t understand why some people turned away from the Church or cut off relationships from family or friends because they were offended. Why couldn’t they realize these people are human and choose not to be offended?

When going through infertility, miscarriage, and childlessness, however, my perspective changed. I was taken aback by some of the thoughtless actions, comments, and inaction by family members and friends who had always been a huge support system in the past. My previous mantra to “just choose not to be offended” was not working any longer, as I experienced deep pain from some of these situations.

Still, I clung to my conviction that it was not anyone’s fault. People who hadn’t experienced my same challenges, at least not to the same degree I had, seemed to be at a loss to know how to support me. Because they felt their own pain about watching me go through pain, they tried to employ strategies to dismiss their pain, which only caused more hurt for me.

While I still believe we need to give people grace and realize that they are trying their best, I also think we can all do a better job at supporting people going through deep anguish by following Christ’s example to bear one another’s burdens. 

When someone was in deep pain, Christ did not lecture them, judge them, or ignore them. He did not blame them as the cause of their own pain or give them quick fix solutions. Most importantly of all, He did not dismiss their pain. He healed them, wept for them, and felt compassion for them. 

When Lazarus died, Christ felt the pain of his loss and wept with Lazarus’s sisters, even though He knew He had the power to raise him from the dead. 

When a woman was taken in adultery, He told her He did not condemn her but that she should “go, and sin no more.” 

When He was asked whose fault it was that a man was born blind, He said it was no one’s fault, but that the works of God could be made manifest in the man. 

When His apostles did not help watch with Him in the Garden of Gethsemane, but instead fell asleep, He told them to rest; He knew that they too would be affected by the events to come.

So how can we support someone going through a deep challenge such as infertility, miscarriage, or childlessness without adding to their pain? How can we help them feel loved and supported rather than alienated or misunderstood?

Things Not to Say and Do

The following types of comments can be hurtful or triggering to someone who is going through the painful challenge of infertility.

Dismissive comments: You just need to have more faith. / Just relax and it will happen. [This is discounting the struggle and pain and blaming them for something they can’t control.]Hopeless comments: Maybe you just need to accept that you won’t have children. / Are you sure you should be doing these invasive infertility treatments? [This takes away someone’s ability to have hope. You don’t have a right to judge their path or the revelation they’ve received.]Comparison comments: So-and-so dealt with infertility, and now she has seven kids! / Most women have a miscarriage at some point. / So-and-so struggled to get pregnant, then went on vacation, and voila, she was pregnant! [Comparisons aren’t helpful. Pain is individual. Just because others got lucky doesn’t mean everyone will—some people will continue to struggle with infertility for years at no fault of their own.]Suggestion comments: Why haven’t you tried acupuncture, the Mediterranean diet, such and such supplement, enter other solution here? [Chances are they’ve tried many things. There is no magic bullet for infertility. Only bring up ideas if they are actively seeking them.]Adoption comments: Why haven’t you considered adoption? / Why don’t you just adopt? [It’s okay to ask this in the right time and way, but recognize that people need to seek their own revelation on what’s right for their family, and they have most likely already considered adoption. Adoption is not easy and not for everyone at every time in their lives.]“Just accept your life” comments: But you’re still an aunt/sister/daughter! / You’re already a mother in eternity. / You’ll raise children in the next life. / You are still a mother or have experienced aspects of motherhood, so you should be content with that. [Your friend knows this, but saying this doesn’t change the broken dreams and loneliness that are happening right now. If there is still hope that your friend will raise children in this life, comments like these make it seem like you’ve lost hope it will happen.]Miscarriage comments: Well, at least you were able to get pregnant. / Miscarriage is not a  big deal; it will work next time around. [This is not comforting when you lost a child you desperately wanted. The pain of loss cannot be overcome by these kinds of statements.]Judgmental comments: Why don’t you have kids yet? / Young people these days are delaying having kids. [Not helpful to say to anyone when you don’t know their story.]

I know this sounds like a lot, and there are probably even more ways to offend someone, depending on their personal pain points and where they are in their infertility journey. To summarize, I would avoid statements that compare, judge, dismiss pain, take away hope, or try to problem solve.

For me, I think the hardest thing to take is when family members or friends question whether I’m going against God’s will. Quite the opposite. If it was up to me, I would be done with fertility treatments, but I’ve felt inspired to keep going, and hopefully they can trust that. I’m the one who has to live with my decisions, so what I need from them is their support, not their judgment.

Another form of hurt comes when people get so worried that they will say or do the wrong thing that they do nothing at all. Whether your friend is going through a rough patch or not, don’t hesitate to reach out, but let them take the lead on talking about their infertility. You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about you and hope your treatments are going okay. No pressure to talk about it if you’re not ready.” Then let your friend decide how much they want to talk about it. Sometimes they may not want to talk about it at all, but other times, they might feel alone and be so glad you asked.

Also, remember that infertility is not the only thing about this person. Sometimes when I see relatives or acquaintances I haven’t seen in a while, all they say to me is something like, “I’m so sorry about your situation. We’re praying for you.” I wish people would try to include me more, to ask about my job or hobbies or anything else, to not see me as some poor wounded soul on the outskirts of family life. 

If an acquaintance you don’t know well is childless and you wonder why, don’t say anything about it at first. Resist the urge to ask about what is probably their deepest pain. If you truly want to get to know them, they may share their story once they trust you. Otherwise, the only reason to dig into the information is to satisfy your own curiosity or ego, and that’s incredibly hurtful. Only seek out the story if you are committed to being their friend and standing beside them as they go through this journey.

Things to Say and Do

If you have said something hurtful, I wouldn’t beat yourself up; you probably didn’t intend to hurt anyone. But next time, maybe try something like the following, if you’re talking with a friend going through one of the rough stages of infertility; I know these types of comments really helped me:

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I wish I could take your pain away.I don’t understand exactly what you’re going through, but I know what it’s like to lose a dream. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here to listen.Even though my experience is different from yours, I’ve also experienced infertility and miscarriage, and I know how difficult it is. Life can be so unfair.I know life is hard for you right now. I would like to pray for you. Is there anything specific you want me to pray for?What would be most helpful to you right now? Would you like me to bring you dinner, go on a walk with you, or anything else?

Notice that most of the above are questions. You are acknowledging their pain, reaching out, and inviting the suffering person to respond how they feel most comfortable. When in doubt, “I’m so sorry; this is so hard,” is all you really need to say.

The following actions can also be very helpful when needed:

Listening to them without interruptingSitting and crying with themGiving them a hugGiving them a thoughtful and meaningful giftOffering to do something with them, such as going to lunch or having a movie night (anticipating that they might say no if they’re not ready)Offering to go to the temple with themIf you are a Priesthood holder, offering a Priesthood blessing

Sending an inspiring scripture or quote can be helpful at times, but be careful about this. For example, if your friend is in deep mourning after a recent loss, it might not be the best time to send a quote about choosing to be joyful or grateful.

If your friend doesn’t accept your offer at this time, or even reacts negatively, give them some space, but try again in a few days. Don’t abandon them when they might need you the most.

Truly bearing another’s burdens can be uncomfortable because it involves acknowledging someone’s pain, then, rather than trying to make that pain go away, learning to sit with them in their pain. In Hebrews 13:3, it says, “Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.” While we can’t feel the exact pain someone else is going through, we can expand ourselves to try to understand their pain so we can know how to comfort them. With the right time, sensitivity, and encouragement, we can help our friend turn to the Savior to receive relief from the greatest Bearer of Burdens, whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light.

Example of Bearing Burdens

An example in my life of someone who helped bear my burdens is my friend Rachelle, who was my ministering sister and Relief Society president. 

My husband and I have wanted children for over 10 years, but due to health concerns and infertility, that has not yet happened. Over the past couple years, I went through many painful infertility procedures. We were thrilled when I became pregnant—we thought we had finally gotten our miracle. We went to the temple to thank God for this long-awaited blessing. Shortly after, I lost that pregnancy. I was so angry that this blessing was taken away. It seemed like cruel irony that this happened right after going to the temple to thank God, so I wasn’t sure if I could go back to the temple and be forced to relive those terrible memories.

Rachelle was there to listen. We went on walks and went to lunch. We talked about spiritual things, but she didn’t tell me what to do or dismiss my pain. She felt that she should invite me to go back to the temple with her, but she also felt that I wasn’t ready yet and that she shouldn’t push the issue. 

Finally, she felt like it was the right time to invite me, and I accepted. She gave me a ride to the temple and we were able to do initiatories, where I felt comforted by the wonderful healing blessings in that ordinance. This gave me the courage to go back to the temple. Eventually, I began to see that maybe having the miscarriage after going to the temple was actually a tender mercy from Heavenly Father, because I had just a little more spiritual power and perspective before going through a difficult challenge.

Rachelle continued to be there when I needed to talk. I set a goal to do a 5k so I could try to get my broken body back in shape, and she agreed to do it with me. Even though she is no longer my ministering sister, we still keep in touch. This is what bearing burdens looks like.

Bearing burdens can be messy in practice, but it is a crucial part of keeping our covenants and living a Christlike life. I hope that we all can do a little better about bearing the burdens of those who are childless, as well as others who feel like they are outside the norms of traditional Church or family life. By doing this, we can all get a little closer to building a Zion-like atmosphere in our wards and communities.

Erin P. works in publishing rights and permissions and writes young adult novels on the side. She lives in Virginia with her husband. Follow her work at https://erinpricewrites.netlify.app/