Guest Post: Safe Spaces for Soft Bellies
Guest Post by Laura Karren Glasgow
At a recent Relief Society meeting several women referred approvingly to the idea that church is a “safe place.” While no one took the time to explicitly define what was meant by “safe space,” the subtext of the discussion revealed a shared belief that within the church’s walls or within the church community, your beliefs will not be criticized or challenged as opposed to “out in the world” where gentiles and heretics abound and you may be critically questioned or judged negatively for your beliefs.
I agree that ideally no one should feel criticized or judged negatively in their religious space. However, it has been my experience that while the stated expectation of a “safe space” is that it be free of probing questions or challenging ideas, what is actually demanded by the community norm is NO disagreement, NO difference of opinion, all agreement, all the time, all heads nodding. This mindset dictates that the religious part of life be a comfortable retreat; a refuge from deliberation, difference of opinion, debate, or exploratory discussion; a veritable spa of validation. Functionally, “safe space” means “echo chamber.”
In such an environment conformity and uniformity must be total and diversity absent. A variety of expressed opinions would automatically cancel the “safe space” status. To preserve the “safety” of the environment, any group member with a different opinion or experience must refrain from expressing their views and feelings, repress the hunger to recount their unique experiences and remain unrepresented.
In my own experience this is the choice that too many divergent-thinking or nuanced believers, especially women, make because when we speak up and express ourselves, space is not held for our dissimilar experiences and ideas. The group leaders jump in to counter-testify and the teacher redirects the conversation away from our perceived messiness back to uncomplicated, shallower, safer waters.
Once in a (different) Relief Society meeting we were discussing the church’s teaching that life circumstances do not determine our worth or our capabilities. I mentioned that despite this teaching, as a female I often feel less-than in this church and that the sexism of the temple makes me feel decidedly like a 2nd class citizen. I could see the panic rise in the Relief Society President’s face. She raised her hand and passionately testified that she did NOT feel that way about the temple, that the temple is a beautiful place, and that we should go as often as possible. In one stroke she (tried to) shut me down by counter-testifying and redirecting the conversation. More on this later.
In this type of space, a group member with a different opinion is negatively impacted whether she stays quiet or speaks up. Chronic self-repression and exclusion deliver a silent payload of injury to a soul. Alternatively, speaking up and being shut down delivers an equally destructive blow. This kind of “safe space” is only safe for the conforming thinkers of the group.
While pondering on this idea I happened to look over at my dog, Clover, whose furry white belly I’ve unscrupulously exploited for a photo to accompany this post. She was sleeping on her back, all four paws relaxed and floppy in the air. When I see Clover asleep in this position I know she must be feeling safe enough to expose her unguarded, vulnerable, soft belly to the world. (Either that or she’s asking for belly rubs like the shameless beggar she is.)
If church were truly a safe space, ALL members of the group would be able to expose their vulnerable “bellies” to the group instead of having to hide them. ALL members would be able to express an opinion and have it respectfully received by the group even if they don’t agree or have had a different experience. In a universally safe place we would be free to express our real selves, our real opinions, and our real experiences knowing that in the worst case, space will be made for us and best case, curiosity will piqued and follow-up questions asked. Such a space would allow for genuine, and sometimes hard questions to be asked. It would allow group members to safely expose a lack of knowledge or the culturally-approved certainty about church teachings. What makes a safe space isn’t WHAT we say but HOW we are treated when we say it.
Safety does not lie in uniformity of opinion but rather in unity of love, respect, and gentle handling. Father Joseph Yoo said unity is “not about agreement. It’s about commitment. It’s about holding space for differences without letting go of each other.” Our identity is often so tied up in our religion that it can be hard not to take a difference of opinion as a personal attack. I think that’s what happened with my Relief Society President. Fortunately for me, I was the teacher that day so she couldn’t shut me down without making a very big, very memorable scene. I tried to do what Father Yoo described: I made space for her experience AND mine. I acknowledged her feelings as valid AND mine. I expressed a hope that we could be mutually curious about each other’s conflicting experience and both learn something new and be the better for it.
We will move a little closer to a beloved Zion community when we exchange some of our certainty for curiosity. We will create safe spaces for EVERYONE’s soft vulnerable bellies when we learn to see diversity, not as a threat, but as an intriguing opportunity to learn something new.
“We don’t need a church that all looks the same. We need a church that dares to love like Jesus.”
– Father Joseph Yoo
Reader, traveler, feminist, and a huge fan-girl of Jesus Christ. Laura works as the Programs Coordinator for a charity that serves refugee and immigrant children and is also a French language tutor.
