Become the Hero: How to Rewrite the Stories We Tell Ourselves

Big (Sneaky) Little Lies that Sabotage Us, and What We Can Do About Them.

“Be mindful of your self-talk. It’s a conversation with the universe.”

— David James Lees

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the lies we tell ourselves.

Normally, I tie in to a fiction book or three in these posts, but this time I’m going to talk about an idea that’s been in two non-fiction books I read a few years ago… and which is used in every fiction book, ever. I’m going to call this topic The Lie We Believe.

When I teach story structure, I explain that you must know the Lie your character believes before you begin writing, or you don’t know what your story is about. The Lie is what represents your character’s inner conflict. It’s what they must overcome before they achieve their goal. The Lie makes your character relatable.

Jamie (A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks) believes her illness means she can’t have a future with love. Katniss (The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins) believes she must always protect everyone else and can never let anyone protect her. In It’s A Wonderful Life, George Bailey believes that because he didn’t get to pursue his original dream, his life has no value. And Margaret (The Proposal) believes she must control everything and keep people at arm’s length to survive.

In my own stories, Sarah (Finding Heaven) believes she’s too damaged to be worth saving or to be worthy of happiness. Zale (Rise of the Grigori) believes he’s a monster who’s a danger to everyone he cares about. And Stephanie (Every Bell that Rings) believes Christmas can never be happy for her, since all her most terrible and traumatic moments are associated with the holiday.

There’s a reason writers must find the Lie our character believes that holds them back from becoming better. It’s because everyone does that.

Even you. And me.

Unfortunately, the Lie we believe can be hard to detect. It is usually impossible to uncover until life circumstances or another person makes it obvious to us.

Here are a few lies I’ve told myself:

I’ll only ever be mediocre at best. I can be good at something, but not truly great.

I’m a bad mom.

I’m a bad wife.

I’m damaged and no one will want to be with me.

I’m bad at public speaking.

People don’t really like me, they’re just being polite.

I’m not enough.

Sometimes I can recognize these as lies when they come up and am able to overcome them on my own, especially if it’s as simple as a mental self-chastening like “you know that’s not true, you’re hormonal, you’ll feel better in about three days.”

But some of those lies have been so ground in that it took years to recognize them as lies, let alone overcome. And sometimes the overcoming came with the help of people who loved me, therapy, and a healthy portion of divine grace.

And for some of them, I still have to make a conscious decision on a daily basis to counteract that lie with a different story—a story that is more true, or that I am choosing to make true.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Here’s the thing about the stories we tell ourselves—the more we repeat them, the more true they appear to be.

Someone who tells herself that no one likes her will behave in a way that no one likes and push people away to protect herself from the so-called inevitable hurt before it can happen.

Someone who believes that he will never achieve true greatness might be extremely driven and hard-working, but when it looks likely that he might achieve his goal, unconsciously sabotage his own success. (That was me.)

Someone who tells herself that it is scary to talk to people will have a fight-or-flight response whenever she is forced into a situation where she must be social.

That’s the bad news. But here’s the good news:

You can decide what story you tell yourself.

In 2019, I read two books that really opened my eyes to the ways we can be intentional with our own stories.

The first was 5 Critical Things for Successful Book Signings by Adam Dreece, in which he shares how he did exactly this when he decided to stop believing the lie that he couldn’t be an author because he has dyslexia and everyone always told him he couldn’t. (He’s done very well as an author, by the way.)

The second has a more general audience: The Alter Ego Effect by Todd Herman, who coaches stars, elite-level athletes, and high-powered executives to help them break through mental blocks that are preventing them from progressing in their careers.

Herman uses a technique in which he identifies the qualities within a client that are preventing them from achieving their goal, and helps them develop an “alter ego” that draws on qualities that are more suited to that particular task, or Field of Play—whether it’s on the court, in their role as a parent or friend, in their job, whatever.

This is not “fake it ’til you make it.” It is deliberately choosing to use aspects of yourself in the appropriate setting to achieve success in that area—something humans have been doing since the dawn of time. In fact, you probably already do this. You behave differently online than you do in person, right?

(An online friend I’d known for years expressed surprise when I mentioned how sarcastic I am in real life. I don’t put that online much, because the humour of sarcasm is usually lost in text, and I wouldn’t want anyone to think I was being in any way serious and be offended or hurt.)

You also behave differently with someone you just met than with someone you’ve known your whole life, right?

These are both “you”—they are just using the aspects of you that are most appropriate in that situation. (Or not. Maybe one of these areas is something you’d like to change about yourself. And you can!)

A few years ago, put this to the test when I presented at a writers conference. It was my second year presenting, and the previous year I had been shocked when the large rooms I’d been put in ended up being standing-room-only for my classes. I’m quite comfortable in front of rooms of, say, twelve people or less. But with over fifty (or maybe a hundred? It felt like a thousand) pairs of eyes staring at me, I completely lost my nerve—and it showed.

It occurred to me while reading Herman’s book that “I’m nervous speaking in front of large crowds” was only a story I had been telling myself, and I decided to test his technique by telling myself a different one. For the several weeks before the conference, whenever I would think about those crowded rooms and my palms would start to sweat, I’d take a deep breath and tell myself, “No, you’re not nervous speaking in front of large crowds, remember? You’ll be comfortable and at ease up there, just like you are when you speak to smaller groups. It will be fine.”

And you know what? It totally was.

The Power of Choosing Our Story

We all have lies we tell ourselves. Usually, these can be sussed out by looking at areas in our lives where we seem to continually hit a wall or run into trouble or even disaster. “I’m no good at relationships.” “I can’t be a writer because…” “I could achieve this goal if only…”

First of all, you need to take responsibility for your own story and recognize the Lie. Stop making excuses. You will never overcome your Lie and change your story as long as you are letting it tell you who you are.

Then, you need to change your self-talk. Instead of “I can’t…” say “I’m still figuring out how…” Instead of “I don’t have time to…” say “I haven’t made this a priority yet.” Instead of “I’m no good at this,” say “I haven’t acquired that skill yet.”

Take those negative words and own your responsibility in them, then turn it around so you can’t tell yourself a lie with your self-talk every time it comes up.

Second, tell yourself a new story that counteracts the lie. Decide what qualities you need to use in a certain situation, and then imagine yourself using them. You will draw on those qualities when the time comes and probably surprise yourself with the person you never knew you could be.

If this is something you want to learn more about, I recommend picking up Todd Herman’s book. Obviously, he goes into this in much more detail and applies it to a wide range of situations that may help you.

Bottom line: Since the story you tell yourself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, be intentional with what that story is.

You just might find that the true hero of your story really is you.

(By the way, the Enneagram is the most useful tool I’ve found for revealing our Lies to ourselves so we can stop being controlled by them. If you’re new to the Enneagram concepts, I recommend either The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron or The Honest Enneagram by Sarahjane Case as primers, and The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up: Find Your Path, Face Your Shadow, Discover Your True Self by Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes as a deeper dive. But you can get started with an overview on this Enneagram Institute site page, which explains the basics. And the CP Enneagram website will help you find your type and subtype.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go...”

— Dr. Seuss

This post was originally published in the Books & Inspiration Newsletter on 2019-08-19. If you enjoyed it, please consider signing up. You’ll get Zale’s origin story (who I mentioned in the post) as a free gift when you do, plus a romantic women’s fiction novella.

Image courtesy of Dino Reichmuth via Unsplash.