Mission Microaggressions and 3 Reasons I’m Glad I Wasn’t “Called to Serve”

“You just need to pray harder!”

“I only want to date/marry a girl who is a returned missionary.”

“If you’ve gone on a mission, then you’ll recognize this scripture/conference talk/gospel principle…”

These examples, along with constantly being asked where I served my mission or why I didn’t serve one, are all microaggressions that I experienced firsthand after deciding not to go on a mission at age 19.

Photo by Bailey Burton on Unsplash

Going on a mission always felt like it would be part of my life plan growing up because both of my parents had served missions. Then the age change happened when I was in junior high, and many girls my age started feeling that it was something they were excited to do. But the closer I got to 19, the less it appealed to me. After much prayer, I was devastated when I was not blessed with a feeling that God wanted me to go or even a desire to serve a mission. It felt like all of my friends were going and I was being left behind.

One particular microaggression stands out in my mind now almost ten years later. I road tripped with a few friends to visit a temple open house one weekend. At the beginning of our tour, a senior missionary sister asked us whether we were “future or former missionaries?” One by one, my three friends answered that they were returned sister missionaries. When it was my turn, I blushed and said “Neither?”

The sister missionary corrected me, saying that I was a future missionary since I could serve a senior mission with my husband someday.

I felt so angry and confused after that encounter. Was I doomed to spend the majority of my life being referred to as a “future missionary?” I didn’t even have a husband yet! Wasn’t it too soon to be making plans for spending our retirement together? Why was I asked to define myself dichotomously and simplistically by this senior missionary?

“Was I doomed to spend the majority of my life being referred to as a “future missionary?”

Missions are not a saving ordinance, in fact they are not an ordinance at all. Missions are not lifelong, they last 2 years or less. Why do so many church members continue to define each other by this one decision? We talk as though the only thing you need to know about someone to ascertain their character is whether they are a returned missionary or not. As though plenty of terrible people are not also returned missionaries.

It’s important to note here that church leaders have consistently taught that women should not feel pressured to serve a mission, but the culture surrounding missions is such that I did feel this pressure from other members. I can only imagine the amount of pressure that young men must deal with when they likewise choose not to serve a mission, since there is an expectation from church leaders for men to serve missions.

Photo by Isaac Quick on Unsplash

I’m not someone who likes to stand out, so being one of the few in my circle who did not serve a mission was a point of discomfort for years. It still is sometimes.

Now, with a fully developed prefrontal cortex, here are some reasons I am glad I didn’t serve a mission:

Scrupulosity

Between my eager to please disposition and the orthodox way I was raised, I thrived on rigid structure and lists of “dos” and “don’ts” for most of my life. I was the weird kid who came home from my first day of kindergarten excited about all of the new rules to follow. I scoured the “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet as a young woman. This was back in the day when it specifically taught not to wear bikinis, and forbade “petting,” or “necking” (whatever those are). Before and after getting endowed, I scrutinized endowed members’ clothing choices to see whether they were wearing their garments, and judged those who weren’t.

I fear that if I had served a mission, these tendencies would have developed into full blown scrupulosity (religious OCD) in an environment where I would repeatedly be told that “exact obedience brings miracles,” and have a full set of new, sometimes pointless rules to follow.

Photo by Pau Patterson Photography on Unsplash

Instead, I’ve spent the last few years unlearning hurtful attitudes about living the gospel and my worth. While it has taken me a long time to unlearn my judgmental, “letter of the law” tendencies, I feel that I would have a harder time doing this had I served a mission, since I likely would have had more baggage to sift through.

For example, I can’t imagine the 180 degree shift from not being allowed to interact with the opposite sex in normal, organic ways as a missionary, to being told to get married as soon as possible once I got home. Dating in my young adult years was complicated enough without arbitrary mission rules getting in the way!

Choose Your Own Adventure

Dealing with these mission microaggressions (however innocent many of them were) forced me to develop thicker skin. I learned to care more about what God thought of my decisions than what friends, family, and random acquaintances thought of them.

Not taking the same natural step forward as my peers forced me to develop my own life plan and not do the same things as all my friends. My life plan sans mission included excelling in school, going on three study abroad programs, getting a master’s degree, and receiving my endowment.

Going against the grain and developing thicker skin has served me well as I now navigate engaging in a church community where my ideas and values feel increasingly counter cultural. Had I not experienced something similar with my choice not to serve a mission, I would worry about my ability to exist in this nuanced gray area for long.

Photo by Haley Black: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-ta... and Emotional Safety

You may be familiar with the @ldsmissionwellness_stories account on Instagram. Between the stories that returned missionaries submit to that account and anecdotes I hear from friends and family who served, I am relieved that this was not my lived experience. I have read stories of abuse from companions, domineering mission presidents, food insecurity, lack of access to routine and emergency healthcare, extreme leadership roulette, stalking, and violence experienced by missionaries.

“The church is not to blame for the actions of others (such as abusive companions, or those who antagonize missionaries), but they are responsible for the lack of resources many missionaries and mission presidents have while dealing with these problems.”

Missions are naturally difficult as sisters and elders will inevitably face rejection by investigators, culture shock, language barriers, or adjustments to being with a companion 24/7. But missionaries deserve to feel physically and emotionally safe. We do not need to make missions harder than they naturally are to “toughen up” the next generation or to test their faith.

Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-i...

The church is not to blame for the actions of others (such as abusive companions, or those who antagonize missionaries), but they are responsible for the lack of resources many missionaries and mission presidents have while dealing with these problems. While policy changes in recent years have improved quality of life for missionaries (e.g., weekly video chats, and sister missionaries wearing pants), there is still much room for improvement.

My Hopes

At a time of life when most emerging adults typically gain independence over their finances, living situation, time management, and relationships, missionaries surrender control to the church to dictate each of these areas. I’m grateful that my emerging adult years were more autonomous than this.

Photo by Bailey Burton on Unsplash

I hope to be supportive of my children’s agency and will try to support them if/when they serve missions someday. I know I will feel anxious about them experiencing these difficulties. My hope is that they will feel comfortable sharing hardships they go through as missionaries with me, without feeling like they need to censor them to be more obedient or faithful. My hope is also that if they decide not to serve missions, they won’t be met with the same cultural pushback that I was at 19.

I hope that by talking about and addressing things that can go wrong in regards to missionary service, we can discontinue hurtful microaggressions and improve missionaries’ access to needed resources.

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