Am I the bad person?

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hi all,

I have ADHD and am in a very dysfunctional marriage. There's the stereotype of a lazy, absent, distracted, incompetent, ADHD spouse, but I try so hard as a parent at least. As a spouse I am spent. 

I only ever really spend my time on family or work. I wake up with our early riser at 5-6am every morning, while my partner sleeps in until whenever they feel like it 8, 9 10am or later at times. This usually happens regardless of who wakes up for the kids. After getting up they have an extended shower, extended blissful breakfast, sit on the toilet for 20 mins. All of this time it feels like being trapped in a dopamine prison. 

Then I only got to work or spend time with the kids. I cook most dinners. We have an agreement that whoever does cook dinner does the dishes and cleans up. I bath the kids after dinner and then put our youngest to sleep. Often I'll also put the others to sleep as well. If I am cooking, I do the dishes after the kids are asleep, usually finishing around 10pm. Then I do about half of the settling kids when they wake up. If my partner cooks, they clean up while I bath the youngest so they can finish early.

They have set strict bed times for the kids. If I err from those times, I get scolded and shamed. I'm actually pretty good at keeping the times. Yet my partner gets them to sleep, their bed times objectively slip by at least an hour. In fact my partner often struggles to get the kids to sleep and hands them over to me.

At points it has been worse - I'm pretty much doing everything and I have been hospitalised for mental illness because I'm so burnt out.

Some admittedly extreme examples: once I had woken up with our then only child at 5, took them for a 7 hour walk, got home at 12, my partner was just getting up. I sat on the couch and they asked me pointedly: "when are you going to participate in this family."

Another time I had been installing installation in our underfloor crawlspace. There's between maybe 1-2ft of room under there, its dirty hard, claustrophobic work. I came out and again my partner demanded to know when I would start participating in the family. 

Talking to my partner is very difficult. Most conversation veers quickly into criticism, correction, disapproval, escalation. So, I just don't talk. I support them in their hobbies, exercise, socialising etc, but get none of the same in return. 

We have seen various counsellors, but they tend to focus on my ADHD as being the problem. I've read the ADHD Effect on Marriage and understand that I am half the problem. My partner handles paperwork, finances, clothes washing etc. because I'm not reliable enough, but surely I'm not the whole problem. Everything seems so futile. I'm pretty much isolated, have no friends and nobody to really talk to. My partner just gives me neutral, or contempt. 

Am I a bad person? I have no reference for this. I feel like I'm at least trying, well intellectually I feel like I a, or am I some crazy narcissistic looser?