When a Lullaby Becomes a Regret

Guest Post by Lacey Parr

When I became a mom more than 12 years ago, Joseph Smith’s First Prayer was a hymn I sang to my children as a lullaby, almost every night. Once I started deconstructing my faith, it became a painful memory.

The hymn itself is lovely. A simple tune that tells a story I knew well. One that I could tell by the time I was in Primary. It gives details of natural beauty that appealed deeply to me. And it was easy enough for me to memorize as a youth. This was remarkable for me, who, as a youth, struggled with all the high school seminary scripture mastery.

As a new mom, singing it to my children at bedtime became a habit I was proud of. I also sang All the Pretty Little Horses, hummed the Harry Potter theme song, and the lullaby from Disney’s Tarzan. But Joseph Smith’s First Prayer helped me share arguably the most important story of my faith to my children. Even if we forgot to read scriptures aloud to them that day, at least my babies and toddlers would be exposed to this most important story.

But once I learned there are multiple versions of the First Vision—and wildly different in detail—I became conflicted over those sweet moments. I still believe the First Vision tells a beautiful story that in some ways, I still believe: essentially, we can escape into the wilderness—Creation—and seek God and God will answer! I want my children to feel the truth of that! But now it’s time for me to teach that universal truth in different ways.

This small experience became a microcosm of the many aspects of my life that became complicated when my testimony crumbled. Learning more about the context of Joseph Smith’s life and other events around the Restoration (that the Church has largely ignored or hidden) shook me to my core and a lullaby became a regret.