The virtue of the older mom, links, and more!
The older mother has so much to offer. I know it’s a bit of a cliché in religious circles to speak of the Titus 2 Woman, but can we see what God is trying to tell us in that message about all the various roles and aspects of the Christian community? (I like to think “mature” rather than “aged”…)
Paul’s letter to Titus, Chapter 2:
1 But speak thou the things that become sound doctrine: 2 That the aged men be sober, chaste, prudent, sound in faith, in love, in patience. 3 The aged women, in like manner, in holy attire, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teaching well: 4 That they may teach the young women to be wise, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste, sober, having a care of the house, gentle, obedient to their husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
After my first post, there were a couple of comments that seemed to resonate:
“… a word for those of us who are in our late 40s, but still have very young children, even as the older ones are teens (or, for others, young adults), would be very much appreciated. It is beautiful to have both, and many faithful Catholic families have a broader age range than we do; so I know it could be of value. Beautiful as it is to have the little ones, aging more dramatically, while having a toddler and early elementary students, just feels awkward, sometimes, and a bit lonely.”
And:
“But .. what do I have to say to the younger mums? That having babies and kids and sacrificing for your family is awesome, super hard but also immensely beautiful and worthwhile – until it becomes this “something” that might stretch your heart and mind and soul and body to the point of .. well. I don’t even know how to describe it… In this stage, that I find myself in, I’m simply envious of younger mums [with high ideals]. They seem to have everything I dream of. I am getting even more silent than I was before… Yes, I wonder too, like your reader, how do we stay cheerful for our younger kids? How do we keep on hoping for our older ones, when hope hurts?”
It is indeed a different phase to listen to those younger mothers talk amongst themselves. And even in middle age, we are still looking for friends! We too want to sit and hash through the toddler issues.
What I found so unexpected about having a baby and a child who was off to college was that the young mothers saw me as “the old mother” — even when I was nursing Bridget! I would be there with my littles, but they didn’t see me as one of them.
This is where the habit of talking to God shores us up. We have to ask Him what He wants of us.
And I think He is gently telling us that this era is fading.
That means He’s giving us something new. Like every development, it won’t be mastered without some struggle, pain, and falling over. But now the maturity kicks in, because we’ve seen this before.
Even if those young moms seem to crave each other, they are listening.
Imagine how life would have been for us if those older ladies had not belittled our concerns or piled on with their negative comments, comments that enter your soul and dry things up.
I know that the stray “it will be all right, don’t worry” and the occasional “you might try this strategy” really helped.
St. Paul is telling us we have to be virtuous, inside and out (“in holy attire” — maybe not trying to dress as if we are in our twenties, which is hard to let go). So that’s the first step, isn’t it?
There is a habit young women can get into of craving someone to tell them what to do and being almost paralyzed unless they feel confirmed by some external source, which they are conditioned to seek among the “influencers” whose presence is certainly ubiquitous. Bringing that habit into the mature phase is problematic.
At some point, we have to admit that we know how to do a lot of things! Not only that — we are starting to understand why there was certain advice and “old wives tales” that might be worth saving.
Maybe the reflex to be on the hunt for the latest methods isn’t always the best approach. Only, now we have the added burden of having to peel back the unfortunate “updates” that are the sort of “anti-tradition traditions.”
So yes, sometimes we think, “I’m so uncertain” — but what if confidence is a virtue, the confidence of having thought about the principles of a thing, prayed, learned from experience? In short, cultivating the virtue of prudence?
What if everyone has always felt they are just learning? What if depriving the younger moms of our experience, on the grounds that we don’t know what we are doing, is the equivalent of removing the admittedly shaky footbridge to the other side — us, the older women — altogether?
I remember staying up late with my teens — because of course, 10:30 pm is the most obvious time to start a deep, hours-long conversation — and also waking up at 5:30 with Bridget, a baby.
Throw in homeschooling the kids in between!
Is it too much? Yes, yes it is.
Did I still have to do it? Also yes!
Did it mean I needed a nap most days? Wisdom and common sense say, yes!
What do you say to younger mothers? You will have good advice for them and learn how to offer it, remembering that your example means the most. Just when you feel your house is at its most chaotic, those younger mothers appreciate enjoying your hospitality. Just when you think you can’t add another event to your groaning schedule, a mom with a boisterous toddler and babe in arms can benefit from morning tea with you or a crafting afternoon.
Instead of the rather limited way we look at our interactions today, we need a more generous, community-building vision.
In our own rather amateurish LMLD fashion, we have tried to articulate the thought in the St. Gregory Pockets. The idea behind the Pockets is one you have to make your own, depending on your circumstances.
Personally, I found a lot of peace in moving my (extremely taxed) energy outwards in a relaxed manner, instead of focusing on finding that one bosom buddy who would solve all my issues. And as always happens, in the process I made so many very dear friends.
I encourage you to read through the posts and pray about how to do your part to create a “pocket” of friends of all ages who will help each other, enjoy each other, and make a community for their growing children, who also need to learn what friendship is.
St. Gregory Pockets: What and Where They Are (the places are probably mostly not active anymore, but you get the idea)The Pocket: the Context of Contentment Hate to break it to you, but it’s the older mom who has struggled through the loneliness and still feels awkward and lacking in real support who has to take the first step. That’s… you!The Basic Idea (and why it’s named after St. Gregory)Read this post to get a sense of what the vision is for a St. Gregory’s Pocket – the vision for a group of people who are intentionally forming a healthy, happy, friendly, faith-filled community — and also read about some fallacies.Read about Bold Friendship, a post which contains some general tips if you are interested in getting a Pocket started in your area, or if you want to think about how to be a good member of a Pocket.We have a suggested reading list here to get you started for how to help those you know grow in virtue and knowledge. I really mean it when I say the older moms are the only ones to do this. It seems so unfair when we’re already drowning! So we have to pray about it. But I think you’d be surprised how energizing it is to meet once a month with friendly people, including younger ones. It’s a real boost, honestly!Deirdre (one of my daughters, for new readers) wrote this post to encourage you if you find the whole idea scary. She was younger, but she still does these things. I don’t know if Facebook is the way to go now. But the basic idea is to get people away from having their interactions be online and use online to organize in person get-togethers. In your area, you will figure out how to do it. We don’t have to be involved — the Facebook idea was to have a way of making LMLD a point of possible contact.
Anyway, the main thing is to take the wider view and understand that you can overcome your insecurity and trust yourself to step into the role God has made for you, with His grace.
From all eternity, He foresaw the exact circumstances you are in — and He still wants you to “teach the young women to be wise, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, sober, having a care of the house, gentle, obedient to their husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
You can do it!
The weather predictions were so over-the-top, as they have become these days, with all the “extreme” and “severe” and wild graphics, so I went and picked some blooms to save them from the apocalypse.
In the event, there was some thunder and it’s been raining lightly… but at least I am enjoying my flowers!
bits & piecesIf you are so moved, perhaps consider contributing to this fund, as I have, for a young Swedish family who just lost their husband and father. My friend Peter Kwasniewski posted this amazing report about the Requiem Mass (emphasis mine):Recently, a father of a large family died tragically young in Sweden, yet fortified by the holy sacraments and surrounded by his loved ones—a death any of us would pray for. His devout family, with the help of friends, was able to arrange a Requiem Mass in the Church of Husaby, once upon a time the first Cathedral in Sweden and the place where King Olof Skötkonung was baptised in the year 1000. While the church came into the hands of Lutherans after the Reformation (like all churches in Sweden), permission was granted for this particular Mass, and, for the first time in more than 500 years, the stone walls and faithful in the pews witnessed again a true Catholic Requiem, solemnly celebrated, with three of the deceased father’s young boys serving at the altar.May John rest in peace and may the Lord sustain his family in their mourning.
The need is especially dire, as the family depends on a car to attend Holy Mass—a great consolation to them, especially in this time of grief. Three of the boys also serve as altar servers. Mass provides not only spiritual strength, but also an opportunity to see friends, which is vital in this difficult time. Anna-Maria feels it is more important than ever to remain active in the local Catholic community. The family also hopes to continue participating in pilgrimages and other Catholic events, further highlighting the need for a reliable vehicle.
A revelatory two-part article about the changes in the Rite of Marriage in the Catholic Church, giving us a hint at the solution to the mystery of why, with so much more marriage preparation these days, divorce and annulments are so high.
Leila Miller has an excellent post to bookmark: Resources for Abandoned Spouses
A really good article: Wall-E Is Not the Movie You Think It Is: It’s subversive in all the right ways by M.A. Franklin. I love that movie and am so glad I overcame (at the urging of a friend) my suspicions that aligned with the author’s: “…the whole thing feels like you’re about to be scolded by your third-grade teacher for exhaling too much carbon dioxide… ‘I thought I was watching a fun kid’s movie about a robot, not signing up for a lecture about how I need to recycle.'”
How Old is ‘Haha’? The Sound of Medieval Laughter: A strange image and the earliest ‘haha’ in English.
from the archivesDating Rules for Teenagers (but really, how to help them find their vocation)You don’t have to play with your kids!
liturgical living
St. Robert of Newminster; the Vigil of Pentecost
…and of course, tomorrow is Pentecost!
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