More on this new stage of older mom; Knitting; Links!
The “second decade” of motherhood is indeed challenging! All the things we talked about for so long here are now ways of life and yet still evading our grasp at times, as the children get older but perhaps new babies are coming along as well.
There is something wistful about seeing one’s older children have minds of their own and activities too; they are going places and having their own thoughts about things.
Keeping this all together takes some finesse and a healthy sense of limitations.
Our culture tells us two insidious lies, and patterns us with two bad habits of thought: that we can do everything and that there will be A New Thing that will solve all our discontents.
One effect of these lies is to make us whiny. Auntie Leila has to say it.
I truly think we are conditioned by whatever these disruptive forces are to respond to any and every setback with an immature and unworthy attitude! Instead of thinking, praying, and acting with confidence, we just waste our time sort of waiting for someone to wave a magic wand and fix it all, not omitting to feel sorry for ourselves.
I’m only pointing out this harsh truth because I’ve been there myself! It won’t do! We must go deeper and not remain in this state! Do you not think the Good God has something to teach us for the good of others as well as ourselves?
We have to learn.
Otherwise, the younger ones will not have that helping hand in their journey and we will have wasted ours.
The very fact that we do not feel like “experts” is itself a truth the next generation has to learn!
Our real home is not here, we can’t do it all, and the key to peace is to begin again with the things we already know!
Here’s one practical point to work on and to remind others of:
Since by now you know that your household will run more smoothly and fulfill its mission of raising the children to love and know God when you have dinner together, then it’s time to think and pray about how to do that when, in this phase, you have some older children staying late at school to practice a play or a sport, or going to work.
It’s totally normal for parents to put their hopes and dreams in their older children, but that doesn’t mean it’s good to give into it entirely. We have minds and need to understand that they have to test their wings.
Meanwhile, the younger children also need that security and stability of dinner with their parents and all it offers: good conversations at their level and also higher than their level without the inevitable, exclusive focus on the older ones’ concerns. We need to have their interests in mind, but also draw them out to other matters. Turning our attention to them gives us a chance to observe and address their behavior. We have gone through all this already but they have not. It can be, if we take the opportunity, a time of love, merriment, and affection.
The whiny mentality I’m talking about causes us to lose heart and let go of this central act of family life. We interpret our older children’s activities outside the home — which must take place, for they must find their way, little by little, to their life away — as an implicit rejection, or at least as a sign that our family life is not worth maintaining anymore in the way we envisioned it at first.
But the mother’s (and father’s too, but I’m talking to mothers) wisdom should expand to overcome this temptation. She should realize that inside, her child finds the courage and freedom to explore the wide world (and earn money for his goals, to be sure) precisely because of the assurance he has that life at home goes on. It’s what strengthens him. He appreciates it more, the further he goes.
But we can’t expect, much less ask for, any affirmation now of this reality. Again, it’s a matter of maturity. Immature people need constant assurance; mature people trust that things take time.
Even if that child strays far, what about the others? Don’t make the mistake of putting your identity as a mother in the life of your older children. Everyone has free will.
Many a youngest child has been emotionally abandoned because of this failure of the parents to keep to their responsibilities — and it doesn’t help the older ones either.
Some years hence, it’s a fairly sure bet that they will all go. Remember? This is what we wanted for them! To become integrated men and women, capable of forming their own homes or offering up that good for another, even higher one. Let’s not now lose our vision!
We need to be there, having dinner with our spouse, God willing. We need to be friends with each other, husband and wife, by then — not strangers who grew apart in those hectic years. We need to have avoided putting all our worth as a family in our children — those same children who will go.
Think of your own parents. Either they persevered and gave you a model for your journey (one I’m sure you didn’t always have in the forefront of your mind, yet it was there), or they did not, and you feel the lack. It’s usually precisely at this crucial stage, the second decade, that the decision was made about what habits to have and what to prioritize. Even if the disintegration came later, the roots were there.
Don’t expect things to be easy.
Don’t compare yourself to others to the detriment of your spirit — if a comparison helps you be better, then learn, but if it demoralizes you, reject it.
I started a new kitty — this time with this mustardy yellow Cascade superwash combined with a strand of mohair (what I had, which is sort of lavender, but I think it can work). At first they look a little… embryonic haha….
I decided to pause the body of this cardigan and work a sleeve, just to see how it will all fit. The fit is good, the stitches are better now that I pulled it totally back and started again. I don’t know about the width of the sleeves as they get towards the ribbing. That section will be quite long, actually; I just started here and it is supposed to go on for about 6 inches, but I think I would like it snug. So I might have to rip this bit back and try the decreases again.
For reference, here’s the image from the pattern: see how long the ribbing is? I think mine will be too wide though:
bits & piecesI have obviously been thinking a lot about St. Hildegard (due to doing interviews for the book St. Hildegard’s Garden, the foreword of which I wrote), and the ignorant idea we have of the state of health in the Middle Ages: Were Medieval People Healthy? The popular image of the medieval peasant hovelling about in a frantic search of the remaining slop from the bottom of a trough is not very accurate, to say the least.
My chicks are up in the stable/chicken coop now, and here’s hoping they stay safe from predators. I enjoyed listening to a couple of interviews with Harvey Ussery. (I find I have to put the playback speed at 1.25 X.) I like his way of talking about things! Obviously I don’t have a homestead by any means, but I love hearing him discuss the natural ways of chickens, deep litter (a method I have been using), and composting, to make life easier and more practical. Ingenious Chicken Keeping was a good episode — I learned some new tips!
If you’re tracking Bishop Martin’s actions in Charlotte, NC, regarding the repression of the thriving and diverse Traditional Latin Mass community there, I recommend reading Peter Kwasniewski’s post collecting various articles and thoughts. Also, Phil and I discuss one aspect — the non-listening, “customer service bot” model — on our podcast this week.
from the archivesI have been posting about things for a long time! You’d be surprised what I have already written about! Dinner together after the kids are goneRemember, the root of all our discontent is not knowing what’s for dinner!
Feast of the Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary
How fitting that this is today’s feast — for today’s topic! Dear St. Elizabeth leaves us with her experience, that her baby leapt in her womb, and her beautiful relationship with Our Lady, her cousin. Two women who love each other with a truly holy sisterhood. Scripture is telling us, as we journey along (can you just imagine how tired St. Elizabeth was? She was old!), to have this relationship with the Mother of God: to embrace her, to offer our children to her, to welcome her. She will impart her wisdom to us.
follow us everywhere!
Here is all the info:
Visit me at The School for Housewives and recommend it to your young friends!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them has moved over to Substack! — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing! The old one is still up if you want to look at the comments on past posts.
There you will find the weekly podcast done by Phil and me, called On the Home Front. Do let us know what you think!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available from Sophia Press! Also in paperback now! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
I keep this site ad-free, but you can support me these ways:
Using my affiliate link to my Amazon page — the only affiliate thing that goes on here on LMLD, which is why the blog loads quickly and you don’t have to keep closing pop-ups etc! It opens up an Amazon tab and anything you purchase using that tab for 24 hours sends a bit over my way without cost to you. Thank you for opening it and shopping if you are so minded — as some have asked me. If not, don’t worry one bit.
Buying me a skein or two of yarn! (This will appear on your credit card as “Domus Enterprises” — please remember!)
Thank you!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen: Consider subscribing to this blog by email. We would love to pop into your inbox! The subscription box is on this page on the sidebar!
My old podcast, The Home Truths Society, can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) if you haven’t heard them.
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest
