Guest Post: Taking the Road Less Traveled, But Not by Choice

Guest Post by Sarah Schow

Photo by Patty Brito on Unsplash

My youngest sibling graduates in about a week, and I just recently attended a convocation for my cousin. This time of year always makes me think back on that time in my life, and how much has changed since I graduated from high school 14 years ago, and how much will change in 14 years’ time when I anticipate my oldest will be walking across a stage, accepting her diploma, and moving on to the next chapter.

Graduation season is upon us!

I am not used to the format in which they did convocation. The graduating class for my cousin’s high school is a bit smaller than mine was, which makes sense because I attended a bigger high school in a bigger city. They announced what their plans were after high school—some said they were going to college, one guy said he was going to be rich, another a stay-at-home dad (I actually love that), and a lot of the LDS crowd announced that they were going on missions or going to school and then a mission.

The ones I admired the most were the ones who were blunt—they didn’t know their plans, and they were just going to figure it out.

I wish I knew that it was okay to take time to figure it out back then. But if my future self came to give me that advice, I doubt I would have listened.

“Hey Sarah, you know how you thought you’d go to BYU-I and then transfer to BYU to be close to your best friend? Yeah, well that never happened. In fact, you never actually go to BYU-I.” I would say to my past self. Past me would have a million and one questions.

I would probably ask if I did something against the Honor Code that would jeopardize my standing and prevent me from attending.

I often wonder if people think that’s why I never ended up there after high school. The shame I felt from something that was out of my control, and that it was simply a visa I needed to attend, and the way I was going didn’t work anymore.

But people wouldn’t know that unless they asked, and I’m sure people would jump to the worst conclusion. Past me would definitely have jumped to conclusions.
Playing the waiting game is hard, and I had six months of waiting to do after graduating high school and starting on the Winter-Spring Track. Picking a major, finding housing, working, and saving up, all of that was weighing on me, but I still didn’t know if I’d actually end up there. Once I knew I’d be in Canada for post-secondary, I felt a little deflated. This wasn’t in my plans—none of this was.

I definitely felt like my only option was a BYU school; in fact, I never actually applied to any other schools when I was in high school. I mean, who can blame us?! We’re kind of indoctrinated into thinking that going to a church school is par for the course—how else are we to meet our future spouse? Where else has affordable tuition?! It’s not like there are conversations had in YWs and YMs about doing things differently. It’s just an unspoken expectation that we do the same as everyone around us. To do things differently by choice, or because our circumstances force us in a different direction probably makes a lot of us feel like we’re outsiders and possibly failures for not doing things like all of our church peers.

Once I knew for sure that I wouldn’t be attending BYU-I, I enrolled at the local college and decided on my major. I felt a huge sigh of relief—this is my next move. I felt like my Heavenly Parents were literally pushing me to my destiny with the heavy winds on my walk home (if you’ve been to Lethbridge, AB, you know what I’m talking about).

And then came meeting my husband. I’ve talked about that in a previous post, but the thing I didn’t mention was that I always expected to marry an American. I was dead-set on that. I have journal entries from high school about how I longed to be an American (I’m a Canadian that was raised in the States).

I thought I’d probably be married by 20, and start popping out babies while also pursuing a music career, or maybe I’d be doing something with interior design. That I would have married in the temple and lived happily ever after in the US of A.

It’s laughable now. But I learned so much along the way. This is my path, and I’m so grateful that it didn’t go the way my 18-year-old self thought it would. I know even 14-year-old me would have judged the fact that I am a working mom. I’m sure past me would have been devastated that I am an outspoken feminist who pushes against church culture and embraces a nuanced look at things. I’m glad that people have the ability to change. I’m glad I’m not the same person as I was 14 years ago.

So I sat there in that arena, as I listened to all of these hopefuls list off their plans, and I wondered how many of them would have their plans change on them. Whether those future plans change by choice or by circumstances out of their control, I wish I could tell them that it’s okay if they do. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if your plans change. We don’t need to answer to anyone but ourselves.

So here I am, giving you all the little reminders that you may need.
If you need to take time to figure out your life, do it. If you need time away from the church to figure out your testimony, do it. If you feel like changing career paths or majors in college, do it. If you put in your mission papers and you feel like you shouldn’t go anymore, then don’t go. If you feel like you’re done having kids, even though you idealized a certain number in your head, please don’t feel shame about it. It’s your body, it’s your family, and you and your partner get the final say! Whatever the choice may be, I hope you know that it’s okay.

We don’t need to have all the answers. We just need to have the courage to press forward, even if it looks different than what we envisioned.

Sarah loves spending time with her husband and two kids, referencing 30 Rock whenever she can, and drinking copious amounts of Diet Pepsi.