How to Turn On a Guy, Give a GREAT Blow Job, and Other Dumbass Advice

Warning: Naked picture below! (And no, it's not a picture of me. Awww, yeah, sorry to disappoint).




I'm writing this in my underwear! (Which has nothing to do with this post, but I thought you guys might like to know anyway, haha).




If only this were real. Oh, and that's

a working QR code, for the record.

So, I went to the library on Monday and I ended up swinging through the magazines section, which is what ultimately sparked this blog post because that is where I found maybe one of the dumbest issues of Cosmpolitan I've ever seen. Don't get me wrong. I used to love Cosmopolitan (until I started having sex and realized how stupid the advice was) and I still think it's a nice magazine that has a nice layout and appeals to a lot of (nice, I'm assuming) people. Sure, yeah. That's all good and shit.



But in an article listing 200 sex tips, I found a lot of gems. And by gems, I mean piles of horse shit. So, I decided to share some sex tips of my own. Ana style.



How To Turn On A Guy

Omg, girls and guys, this is totally my FAVORITE topic ever. Okay, are you ready for this? This is really intense stuff, so you better pay attention! (And maybe take notes).



You can: Take off your clothes. Take off his clothes. Mention you're going to take off your clothes. Talk about boobies. Show him your boobies. Grab his dick. Act like you're going to grab his dick. Talk about grabbing his dick while showing him your boobies. Eat a banana in a suggestive way. Eat a popsicle in a suggestive way. Eat anything mildly dick-shaped in a suggestive way. Stare intently at his crotch. Draw a smiley face on his ballsack with a spray can of whipped cream! (Oh, wait, does that just work my guy? Hmm...)



Okay. Really? Do you really need tips on how to turn on a guy? Or a girl? Or anyone for that matter? It's not that hard. Kiss them. Hug them. Squeeze them. Rub all up on them like a cat in heat or whatever the fuck you want to do. We humans are sexual creatures. I think we'll take the hint.



I'm just saying.



How To Give A GREAT Blowjob

Okay, everyone! We're to another real doozy. Are you ready? Are you taking fucking notes?! Okay, okay. Here we go!




OMG! Now what do I do with it?!

Step One: Take out your dude's dick.

Step Two: Insert dick into mouth.

Step Three: Suck and lick on said dick.

Step Four: Act like you're fucking enjoying it!



This isn't rocket science, people. You don't need to know any fancy jargon or know what a frigging frenulum is (or where to find it). As long as you're not treating it like it's a chore (or a step on your to-do list to getting reciprocal oral), then everyone should be having a good time.



Just don't bite it (unless he likes it like that).



And if he's uncircumcised, be gentler and just play with the foreskin.



That's really all you need to know. I'm just saying.



(Oh, and smokers taste nasty, so just be prepared. Sorry, smokers. It's true for va-jay-jays, too).



How To Be Hot ... In Bed

Okay, so, for this one, I'm going to have to take a direct quote from Cosmo, because this was just too ridiculous to not share.

For guys, sex is kinda like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty damn good.
Read more: Hot Sex Ideas - Top Sex Stories from Cosmo 2011 - Cosmopolitan 

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Oh, baby...

Apparently these people never had the pizza at my high school's cafeteria. I don't know, maybe I'm just taking those two sentences the wrong way, but if I were a dude, I might be offended over that statement. If a sex session is bad, it's bad for both parties. I'm just saying.



But anyway, on to the advice!



So, you want to be hot in bed? Well, your first step is to get naked. Or not. (My boyfriend loves the way my breasts look in a pushup bra). And the next step?



Let loose, be yourself, and have some damn fun. Really. Part of the fun of sex is the experimentation and finding out what your partner likes. Not every guy is the same so giving generic advice really isn't going to work here. Some guys like their balls sucked while other guys have ticklish balls and giggle (in a manly fashion) anytime you get near them (*cough*). Some guys only want to have sex with the girl on top. Other guys are going to want to dominate you from above.



And honestly, some of the most fun sex positions I've ever tried were ones we just kind of rolled into. Or I thought, "Hey, that'd be fun!" and we just did it. So, yeah, just go on and do it. What's the worst that can happen?



(Well, you could fall off and crack your head against the wall and have a big-ass conspicuous bruise on your forehead for the next week and a half ... but that's worst case scenario).



And finally, for my last piece of advice today:



How To Get Laid

Attend a local gaming convention.



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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica, romance, and everything in between. Being a nerd often gets her laid (and nerds are the best lovers, too. Just saying).




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