Ana Hart's Blog

Why r my boyfriends balls so long?

Why, that IS a good question, and one I just can't help but answer. Some of you at this point might be thinking, "What the Hell, Ana?" Let me explain.



I like to check the stats for this blog from time-to-time to, you know, see where I'm getting the most traffic from and all that good stuff. I also like to see what search terms or key phrases people use to find my blog. I'm sure you can imagine my wicked glee when the first search phrase that caught my eye this week happened to be:



"Why r my boyfriends balls so long?"



I wish I could make this shit up.
But I can't.

People, someone actually Googled this question and, in the process, was directed to my blog and yet SADLY the answer to their question could not be found on my blog. Until now.



So, why ARE your boyfriend's balls so long?



FYI, when you Google "balls,"
this is the first image you'll get.






Or maybe they're just saggin' a little more than usual today because it's freaking hot outside? Or inside. A simple ball-grab to check their sweatiness will either prove or disprove this theory. (Grab sweaty balls at your own risk.)



I'd be less concerned with why your boyfriend's balls are dangling a bit lower than you might like and instead be worried about why you care? Nobody is built to perfect Barbie doll (or Ken) standards. *TMI ALERT* Hell, my right boob is bigger than my left by almost an entire cup size. *TMI ALERT* And does that make me weird? No, it makes me lopsided! But that's OK because I'm STILL awesome.



And so is your boyfriend, I'm sure. Unless he's a douche-kazoo. If he is a douche-kazoo, I'd suggest dumping him at your earliest possible convenience (but only because he's a douche-kazoo and not because you have something against his balls.)



I'm just sayin'.

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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica and romance and an Internet celebrity wannabe. She also films a crazy awesome vlog each week. The latest episode can be found HERE. Subscribers to her YouTube channel are getting cookies for Christmas. You can see the deets HERE.




Stalk Ana on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, GOODREADS, GOOGLE+, and YOUTUBE. 

Bunnies Have No Taste In Shoes

So, I'm taking a creative writing course this year at the university and honestly, it's my favorite class so far. On Tuesday we did this neat, little exercise in class where we had to write a poem ... except we didn't actually write the poem all by ourselves. The professor provided the first line and we had to write the second and then we passed the poem to the right and the next person wrote a line and so on and so on until it finally came back to us at which point we had to write the last line and give our poem a title.



My poem is entitled, "Bunnies Have No Taste In Shoes," and it goes a little something like this:



I can't understand it.

Why does the bunny wear glasses?

I don't want to believe it,

But it's right there in front of me:

A rabbit in spectacles.

And a top hat to boot.

And in his left hand

A cane, a cane, a black walking cane.

His loafers are shiny, but yet so ugly -

Is that alligator skin?

Oh my. Not again.

So tacky, such a fashion faux-pas,

But who am I to judge?

Is this Dancing with the Stars?

No, my mind is deceiving me.

Of course, bunnies can't dance.



Best. Class. Ever. Hey, we can't write romance all the time, right?

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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica and romance and an Internet celebrity wannabe. She also films a crazy awesome vlog each week. The latest episode can be found HERE. Subscribers to her YouTube channel are getting cookies for Christmas. You can see the deets HERE.




Stalk Ana on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, GOODREADS, GOOGLE+, and YOUTUBE. 

For the Love of God, DON'T Forget That Anniversary

(This was totally supposed to go live yesterday, but it didn't! So sue me. Wait! I'm too broke to sue. Please don't sue me).





Honestly can't think of a
better reason to eat a cupcake.

For those of you who haven't followed the blog for very long, I would just like you to know one thing: My boyfriend is fucking adorable. Our first-year anniversary isn't until September 17th, but everyday this past week, he has woken up and then immediately shouted out, "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY," at the top of his lungs. To which I always respond, "Baby, it's next month," and then, of course, he gets a little pouty and says, "I'm just practicing." Honestly, I think he's a little afraid he'll miss the anniversary altogether if he doesn't shout it out everyday.



And I'm totally OK with that. (Because it's adorable).



I was with my last boyfriend for a year and a half, but our first-year anniversary passed without any sort of to-do. Which kinda sucked. Sure it was just a first-year anniversary, but that first year is pretty important to me. It's that first big milestone where you can say, "Hey, look! We haven't killed each other yet!"



I even called the last boyfriend the night before the anniversary to remind him it was the next day and he STILL forgot. But, hey, in all fairness, there was a lot more wrong with that relationship than just a selective memory.



A lot.







[image error]
Hey, is the model included? I'll take two.

I've been obsessively watching the DIY/Craft feed on Pinterest for over a week now with little success searching for the perfect gift I can make for the BF. I mean, don't get me wrong. Pinterest is pretty kickass and I've found a lot of awesome projects I can't wait to sink my teeth into, but I still haven't found the perfect one yet. I want to make him a gift that will be special and awesome and help him take over the world and be something he'll want to keep for years and years because I made it (but, hey, I'd settle for three out of four on that one).



But maybe I'm getting a little too intense over this. Maybe I should just get him a pair of Superman boxers (to go with his Batman pair, of course) and call it a day.



Or maybe I should make him a zombie apocalypse survival kit! Yeah...



I'm screwed.

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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica and romance and an Internet celebrity wannabe. She also films a crazy awesome vlog each week. The latest episode can be found HERE. Subscribers to her YouTube channel are getting cookies for Christmas. You can see the deets HERE.




Stalk Ana on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, GOODREADS, GOOGLE+, and YOUTUBE. 

How I ALMOST Became a Car Thief (Oops)

Holy flaming balls of badly written Hustler porn, Batman! I'm actually getting a blog post up on time!



THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH.



Or, uh, I found a bit of free time. You know, one of the two.



So, this is a completely true story and it just has to be shared. Why? 'Cause I said so. For those of you who don't know, weekends are a living HELL for me. I work two jobs on the weekend, so that means I'm usually pulling 18-hour days. And then going home and trying to be a normal human being. Sometimes I even check my emails!



So, this past Saturday, I was leaving from the second job and I was crazy tired and more than a little out of it (hey, I'd only gotten one and a half hours of sleep the night before) because at this point in the day, I was running off of pure awesomeness. And sugar. And about a gallon of diet soda... But I managed to make it to my car without any problem and after slinging my stuff into the passenger seat, I climbed in and began hunting for my car charger for my phone when I suddenly realized something.



My car was a lot cleaner than usual.




I mean, I'm not going to lie to you guys. It looks like hobos are living out of my car on a GOOD day. But my car was looking pretty good tonight.



Oh. My. God. Somebody stole my car charger! And the other shit out of my car! Or at least that's what ran through my sugar-muddled head until I realized, Hey, dumbass, why would someone break into a car, take the phone car charger, but then leave the car?



And then it hit me.



This wasn't my car. Holy shit, I was in someone else's car! As you can imagine, I immediately started making a mad dash to vacate said car before the owners came back and found me sitting in it with all my work clothes and a pile of groceries chilling out in their passenger seat. How do you explain that crap? Really? Do you think they would have believed me if I'd said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I could have sworn this was my car!"



Yeah, I doubt it.



Well, thankfully, I made it out in time and managed to get a closer look at the car while I was skittering away from it quicker than a marching band in double time and it DID look exactly like my car. Same make and color. And the owner had left the car unlocked, which made me think I'd unlocked it myself when I walked up to it. But, obviously it wasn't my car. So where was my damn car?





Now, I might try to steal this car for real reals.
So shiny...

Two spaces behind me, to the left of the car I'd hopped into. I'd walked right past my own car to get up close and personal with someone else's. Go figure. So, what's the moral to this story?



I should eat more donuts on Saturdays. Yeah! If I'd had more sugar, maybe I would have been awake enough to notice my own damn car.



Save an apple. Eat a donut.



Oh, yeah, and don't steal cars for real reals. (Unless it's a really pretty one.)

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In Other News:




The Twitter release party for ADDICTED went great last week. Thanks to all those who showed up! It was a lot of fun. Want to watch an inebriated me broadcasting live on Google+ during the party? Click here!
Thanks to Black Hippie Chick and Julez S Morbius for featuring the release of ADDICTED on their respective blogs over this past week! You guys ROCK!
And thanks to everyone who reads this blog! I hit over 10k views a little while ago and it was a pretty spiffy feeling :)


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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica and romance and an Internet celebrity wannabe. She also films a crazy awesome vlog each week. The latest episode can be found HERE. Subscribers to her YouTube channel are getting cookies for Christmas. You can see the deets HERE.




Stalk Ana on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, GOODREADS, GOOGLE+, and YOUTUBE. 

Don't Forget: TOMORROW is the Release Party for ADDICTED!

Wow, guys, I really can't fully explain how excited I am over this. Addicted , my little snuggly baby full of action, adventure, and badassery is releasing TOMORROW! Which is really fucking cool. If at all possible, I think this one might be even better than the first book in the series, Reborn, though they're both pretty freaking cool. Of course, I'm just a little biased, so you might want to take that with a handful of salt ;-)



But what makes the One Powerful Addiction series stand out from the crowd? I'd honestly say because it's an erotic romance series that both men and women could enjoy. Having said that, though, I've put a call out on my social networking sites for a few good men to put that claim to the test (so if you know a good man who's not afraid to read a paranormal erotic romance, send him my way! I'll give him a free ebook in exchange for a honest review!) But back to my glowing accolades for my own book series:



The One Powerful Addiction series follows the antics of Daniel Webb, a pretty normal twenty-something year-old guy who just happens to come into some pretty unnormal supernatural powers. Throw in some steamy sex scenes, a little bit of action, and tons of snappy one-liners and you pretty much have Reborn and Addicted covered. But don't just take my word for it. Check out their pages on my website to read the blurbs, excerpt, and first chapter for each book. Reborn is here and Addicted is here.



And don't forget to join me for Addicted's release party tomorrow night on Twitter! The party starts at 6 pm CST and ends at 9 pm CST. Follow me @AnaHart03 and use the hashtag #AddictedToDaniel to join the conversation. I'll be drawing a random winner every 10 minutes, so there will be plenty of chances to score awesome prizes! And you might want to RSVP on Facebook, just so you don't forget!



Thanks so much, guys, for supporting me along this journey. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without you, the readers! And I hope to see you all tomorrow on Twitter. Can't make it? Just by RSVPing to the event on Facebook, you're signing yourself up for a chance to win a prize! So, maybe you'll get lucky ;-)

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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica and romance and an Internet celebrity wannabe. She also films a crazy awesome vlog each week. The latest episode can be found HERE. Subscribers to her YouTube channel are getting cookies for Christmas. You can see the deets HERE.




Stalk Ana on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, GOODREADS, GOOGLE+, and YOUTUBE. 

8.9.12, It's Coming... The Release Party of the Year!

 




What: The Release Party for Addicted

When: August 9, 2012 at 6-9 PM CST

Where: Twitter! Hashtag: #AddictedToDaniel 




RSVP on Facebook




Winners will be drawn at random every 10 minutes,

so there will be plenty of chances to win!




And what could you win?




Prizes up for grabs include:

A copy of the first book in the series, Reborn

Awesome t-shirts!

Addicted to Daniel Webb buttons!

Posters!

And more... 




Check out the page for Addicted on the website

to read the first chapter! 




ADDICTED

Blurb

All Daniel Webb wants is to be a normal guy, but honestly, that doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon in between him being addicted to a supernatural power beyond his control, keeping his girlfriend Alyssa Drega happy, and dealing with the everyday responsibilities of being a college student. Oh, yeah, and now his nightmares are trying to kill him.

And they're not the only ones.

When a mysterious assailant attacks Daniel in the woods outside of town and ends up getting to Alyssa in the process, things get real personal real quick and more questions than answers are dumped onto Daniel's already full plate. Now the clock is ticking while something truly dark is stirring in the sleepy town of Stone Hills, Arkansas, and it's all Daniel can do to figure out how to survive the weekend.

And somehow keep Alyssa safe in the process, too.

Excerpt

The dark forest came alive with the harsh light cast from the flames of the tiki torches which illuminated the naked bodies writhing on the ground below. Moans and gasps of pleasure burst from ten different mouths as they moved as one, giving and taking.

But off in the trees away from the crowd, another pair moved - a stocky, blond guy who would have looked more at home in a gym and the redhaired girl kneeling before him. The wet slurp of her lips suctioned around his cock sounded louder than a gunshot, but the others in the clearing had yet to notice their absence.

The man trembled and slumped back against a nearby tree while the woman at his feet continued to feast on him in more ways than one until he finally rasped, "Well don't drain me completely, you stupid bitch."

She pulled her face away from him and his cock left her mouth with a loud pop.

"You're the one who keeps having me send him nightmares," she snapped. "Do you know how draining that is for me? I need all the power I can get." The redhead positioned her face over his swaying cock once more and lashed out at the tip of him with her tongue. But then, she paused and added with a smug grin, "Or you can just haunt him yourself."

The man snarled and grabbed at her face, holding the young woman steady while he plunged himself back into her mouth. "Take what you need and not a bit more," he growled and the redhead took to his cock again in earnest, sucking every ounce of power from him she could hold.

The man slumped back against the tree and shuddered again before whispering, "And then give him hell."

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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica and romance and an Internet celebrity wannabe. She also films a crazy awesome vlog each week. The latest episode can be found HERE. Subscribers to her YouTube channel are getting cookies for Christmas. You can see the deets HERE.




Stalk Ana on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, GOODREADS, GOOGLE+, and YOUTUBE. 

How to Have the Most Unsexiest Sex of Your Life

Have you ever wanted to have some unsexy sex? Of course not! But my boyfriend and I have unsexy sex all the time (though it's usually not on purpose), so here's a guide on how you can have your very own unsexy sex, too!



Mmm... super hot.



Fuck Spontaneity.

It's the heat of the moment. You're grasping desperately at one another. Moaning. Groaning. Kissing each other with a frantic urgency ... BAM. Your dude stops mid-foreplay and insists certain preparations have to be made before you can continue. The bed has to be made. The temperature in the apartment has to be turned down. A bottle of water has to be fetched and placed next to the bed. Want some unsexy sex? Be sure to plan out every detail. Sure, you'll probably be more comfortable, but don't let your boyfriend know that. (You'll never live it down if you do. Trust me.)





Be Sure to Wear Your Dorky Underwear.

It's the heat of the moment. You reach for the fly of your man's pants. You unzip them slowly ... BAM. His dick's hanging out of some Angry Birds underwear. Mmm, baby. You know there's nothing unsexier than some cartoon-y underwear. Especially ones with a nice, big font on the back proclaiming, "Smash That Pig."



Need to Fart? Definitely Do It Mid-Thrust.

Seriously. The louder, the better. Nothing will help you have unsexy sex quicker than farting mid-thrust.



Really.

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Liked this post? Then you might also like:

The Best (And Worst) Euphemism For Sex Ever and

FUNNY SHIT MY BOYFRIEND SAYS #1 (IT'S ALL ABOUT TRUST)

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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica and romance and an Internet celebrity wannabe. She also films a crazy awesome vlog each week. The latest episode can be found HERE. Subscribers to her YouTube channel are getting cookies for Christmas. You can see the deets HERE.




Stalk Ana on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, GOODREADS, GOOGLE+, and YOUTUBE.

Hot Summer Nights: Cool Off With Ana Hart! (Giveaway)

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How to NOT Look Like a Dumbass the Next Time You're in a Bakery

I'd first just like to thank everyone for your patience while the blog gets its makeover. It hasn't been easy! (Don't ever try manually altering Blogger's code. Seriously. Save yourself the headache). But it'll look awesome once I'm done :)



But now, onto the post. How to NOT look like a dumbass the next time you're in a bakery. For those of you who don't know, I work at TWO separate bakeries for my day job. However, I only have to deal with the masses at one. Yeah, the public. Now, the majority of customers are really nice and sweet, but then, every day, there's always that gaggle of dumbasses who brings your whole day down. So, here's some quick tips to keep you from being one of those dumbasses. Enjoy!





Tip #1

A customer walks up and says, "Hi, I ordered a cake."



Congratulations. You and 200 other people.



What the customer should have said: "Hi, I need to pick up a cake." OR "Hi, I need to change something on my cake order."



Seriously. Saying, "Hi, I ordered a cake," is like walking into a mechanic's and saying, "Hi, I have a car." Whoopity-doo. What do you want me to do about it?




Tip #2

The customer walks up and says, "I ordered a cake last Wednesday."



Uh ... cool? Would you like a cookie or something?



Telling me when you ordered the cake does nothing. We don't categorize cake orders by when they were placed. We categorize them by when they need to be made. Save yourself from being labeled a dumbass by saying, "My name is BLAH BLAH, I ordered a cake for this Wednesday, and I need to change something on my order."



Please.



Tip #3

I'm taking your cake order. I ask you what day the cake is for. You say, "Oh, it's for this Saturday." Okay, cool. I then ask the earliest time you'll be picking the cake up (so, you know, we'll be sure to have it made). And your response?



"Friday evening."



Okay, back up there, princess. If you want to pick it up Friday, make the order for Friday. If you want to pick it up Saturday, make the order for Saturday. I know some bakeries make their cakes the day before, but we don't do that around here. Coming in the day before your cake is ready is going to be a wasted trip because, you know what? IT'S NOT GOING TO BE DONE UNTIL SATURDAY. YOU KNOW. THE DAY YOU WANTED IT FOR.



Tip #4

Food service workers are not dogs. Do not whistle us over to the counter. Snap your fingers to get our attention. Wave us away if you don't want anything. Refuse to look us in the face when you talk to us. Etc. etc.



It's rude as Hell and will earn you a one-way ticket to our dumbass list.



Tip #5

Bakery workers are not recipe encyclopedias. No, I don't know a recipe off the top of my head for a really good peach cobbler. Why don't you try Googling for it?



Dumbass.

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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica and romance and an Internet celebrity wannabe. She also films a crazy awesome vlog each week. The latest episode can be found HERE. Subscribers to her YouTube channel are getting cookies for Christmas. You can see the deets here.




Stalk Ana on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, GOODREADS, GOOGLE+, and YOUTUBE.

Naughty Nights Press is Turning One: Let's Party! (Giveaway!)

Prizes up for grabs:NNP is giving away 13 prizes, comprising of a Grand Prize 1 x Kindle Touch plus 2 ebooks from our Amazon back-list. We are also giving away 12 Second place prizes of a randomly chosen ebook from our Amazon back-list. (But hopefully it'll be one of mine. Because I'm fucking awesome. *cough*)
And on this blog? A super awesome prize that is so super awesome ... it's secret! But hey, it's free ;-) And it'll be revealed on the 1st with the name of the winner. Trust me, it's worth it.-------------------------------------------------Hey, guys (and sexy bitches) and welcome to the party! Woohoo! Naughty Nights Press is turning ONE. Yeah! You know what I love about parties? JELLO SHOTS. Yeah, that's right. You heard me. I'm the queen of jello shots! (Both making them and slurping them down). I think slurp record is... fifty in one go? And making them suckers record is, like, 264. In one night. For one party.
(Uh, but yeah. Drink responsibly).
Yeah, I'm just awesome like that. (Just avoid grape jello. It's nasty as Hell to begin with and then you add rum to it and it's just a bad mix altogether. It takes like ass. And cough syrup).
But, unfortunately, we don't have jello shots at this party (awww... I know). But you know what we DO have?
Free shit. And everyone loves free shit! So, yeah, you know the drill. Leave a comment below with your damn email address (because how can we contact you if you win if you don't leave your email address? I promise I'm not harvesting them for my super awesome newsletter. Though, if you'd like to join my super awesome newsletter for real reals, you can do so by clicking hurr).And here's a silly picture just for shiggles.








Oh, wait! Here's another one:









Awww... aren't I cute? Don't you just want to pinch my whittle cheeks?




Well, hands off, son, and get to commenting. I don't feel like shamelessly pimping out my latest book, Reborn, right now (because I had a shit day at work and I'm really tired), so here's the cover instead:









Sexy, huh? Props go out to the awesome cover artist, Shane Willis, of Rad Act Photography. Oh, yeah, and here are some buy links:






Buy it now for only $3.99!

AMAZON|ALL ROMANCE EBOOKS| SMASHWORDS




But why buy it, you may ask? Because I'm the coolest person you'd ever want to know. And because I'm wearing an awesome Star Wars shirt right now, which you unfortunately can't see, because, you know, we're probably separated by thousands of miles.




Dammit.

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Rules of the Giveaway:


For your chance to win a super secret (yet awesome) prize, leave a comment below WITH YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS INCLUDED.
I repeat, don't forget to leave your email address!
Giveaway ends on July 1st 12:01 AM CST.



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Ana Hart is a writer of erotica and romance and an Internet celebrity wannabe. She also films a crazy awesome vlog each week. The latest episode can be found HERE.




Stalk Ana on TWITTER, FACEBOOK, GOODREADS, GOOGLE+, and YOUTUBE.