Hello, all

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Before I get into stuff going on with me, I want to say …

To c_ur_self,  it was nice reading how peaceful and happy things are for you.  Enjoy your peace and contentment.  : )

To Melody and jenna, I am sorry for the passings of your loved ones and what has surely been some complicated grief.  Many gentle hugs.  

As for me, I have recently come to the most peace that I have had for awhile.  I have moved to the place where I realize that my husband isn’t really a husband in my heart anymore.  He is family, like all the other family.  That realization took so much… unrest (I suppose that is a good word) out of my heart and mind. 

The clincher?  An anniversary and extended family.  

He, as always, even if there is a milestone to celebrate, does not celebrate any day that highlights me.  (Yet of course will not tolerate the same in return.  One year circumstances prevented the usual present, etc, that I would do for him, and he threw a fit.)  But this last year, he spent many hundreds of dollars on family within days of ignoring the usual for me.  

I took some time to absorb all of this.  It has quieted so much in my heart and head.  No more struggling.

The truth seems to be that our relationship exists pretty much to have his needs met.  He says that he loves me, but I do not want his style of love.  It truly seems to be that if he does something nice for me, then it was because there was something in it for him, too.  Even if it was just the dopamine for his starved brain.  

I took some time to absorb this and realized that it didn’t upset me like one would think.  It was like a final exhale of a dying romance.

And yet I will be staying in this marriage because of very good reasons which will not change.  But I am no longer struggling to decide what kind of relationship we have.  It is now one of family, not romance.  And I can be kind to family, enjoy some nice moments with family, be angry with family, forgive family.  I can be generous to family without it costing me too dearly, unlike before.

I now find that I am able to detach from so much more of his adhd.  I used to wonder how much is selfishness and how much is adhd.  Now, I don’t care.  I also used to wish that I could explain to him, in a way that he would truly understand, how his adhd affects me.  I no longer care to.  I am secure in my knowledge of what this life together has been and will be.  I no longer need his understanding or validation.

I feel far less stress and turmoil now.  It is wonderful.