Drama Detox: How to Reduce Emotionality on Your Team

We’re talking about drama this month. We began by defining what constitutes drama and considering why being dramatic can be rewarding. Next, we got tactical about what to do when you’re stuck in the middle of two colleagues who are getting into drama. Now, it’s time to get to the brass tacks on how to avoid or at least reverse the downward spiral of emotionality from taking down your team.

Understanding Social Pain

The first thing to be aware of if you want to mitigate drama is the concept of social pain. Social pain is the discomfort that arises when a person gets rejection signals indicating they’re not valued or included by a group. Neurologically, social pain and physical pain share the same neural networks. (Turns out, you really can hurt someone’s feelings.)

Social pain is highly aversive because our desire to belong is a primary survival mechanism. When we get evidence that we’re at risk of being shut out, it can be anxiety-provoking. It’s in these moments that people are likely to become dramatic as they get desperate and turn to ineffective approaches to change people’s opinions of them, protect their self-esteem, or try to build a new coalition to feel connected to.

If this notion of social pain doesn’t resonate for you personally, you might be someone who feels less of it. Just like with physical pain tolerance, different people have different experiences of social pain (and interestingly, physical and social pain tolerances seem to be correlated.) Although you might be relieved that you seldom experience social pain, dismissing it could encourage more drama. Instead, it’s important to empathize and intervene constructively to counteract its effects.

Being aware of the idea of social pain and tuned into the signals of who’s in and out, who belongs and who doesn’t, who’s valued and who’s overlooked will help you to spot moments where you can diffuse the drama before it takes hold.

Reducing Emotionality

There are a variety of strategies you can use to keep the emotional tenor of your team’s conversations below the boiling point.

Build Trust

One of the most important factors in determining whether a colleague’s behavior sets a person into a drama spiral is how much they trust that person. If they have strong trust, they will be more comfortable being vulnerable and less likely to interpret a person’s words or deeds as signs that they don’t belong: more trust, less social pain. You’ve probably seen someone say something to a teammate that caused you to raise an eyebrow, and yet been surprised that it didn’t cause any friction between them.

To increase the likelihood that your colleagues will give one another the benefit of the doubt and not be offended by even the slightest transgression, it is helpful to build trust continually. I’ve written numerous articles on how to build trust. The most comprehensive approaches consider how to enhance connection (so your behavior is more predictable to one another), competence (so others feel more confident), reliability (so they can count on one another’s dependability), and integrity (so they think everyone’s motives are genuine).

Building trust reduces drama from the source.

Avoid Us and Them

One of the most common sources of drama is when a colleague believes they’re excluded from the in-group or the inner circle, feeling like they’re a “they,” not a “we.” Be on the lookout for behaviors and statements that could be interpreted as signs someone is being excluded, and try to counteract them.

That might mean you sit beside different people at each meeting rather than getting closer or more comfortable with a subgroup on your team. Alternatively, it might mean adding someone’s name to a list if others hadn’t included them. “Yup, I’m happy to be part of the subteam that works on this. It would be great if we also had Mary, so we get a view from Finance as well.”

Translate Emotions

Another way you can help divert drama is to translate people’s emotional or overly dramatic statements, which often reflect their social pain, into more objective statements of fact. If a colleague claims that “Steve hates me and never supports my ideas.” You can help them by validating their reaction and assisting them in testing whether the story they’re telling themselves is accurate or helpful. For example, you could say, “I hear that you feel like Steve is not onside. What did he say in the meeting today? What might he be concerned about?” “How could you address his concerns?”

When emotions have a safe outlet and people have support to process their feelings and come up with a constructive action, they’re much less likely to get stuck in an emotional doom loop.

Shut Down Gossip

Another key commitment to reducing emotionality on your team is to have a zero-gossip policy. For me, gossip is complaining about someone who isn’t present. If you want to downplay drama, you need to eliminate gossip because it’s your colleague’s attempt to create factions and to lure you into joining their side. If you bite, you reward them for the drama.

The alternatives are:

Let them vent. I consider it venting if the person is describing their unpleasant experiences and sharing the narratives they’ve created, without focusing on the other person (who isn’t present). They can tell you how they feel, what they’re thinking, and how they interpreted someone else’s actions. That’s allowed. (For a few minutes. After that, even venting becomes drama.)Help them reframe. If they’re sharing an interpretation of the situation that allows them to justify their drama, it’s okay to ask questions to help them reframe it. “What else might she have meant?” “What might explain why he feels that way?” “How did your words contribute to that dynamic?”Coach them to act. Instead of letting someone gossip to you, ask them to role-play how they would address the issue directly with the person. Listen to what they plan to say and share your feedback on how you think it might land.Support a Constructive Outlet. If you learn that there’s something legitimately nefarious going on, you can support your teammate in finding an effective path to address the situation. For example, if the person is upset that a decision was made without their input, you could offer to speak with the boss about getting it on the agenda. Alternatively, you could offer to accompany your colleague to speak with HR to report the inappropriate behavior.

Drama often begins when people interpret their teammates’ words and deeds as signs that they are not respected, not liked, or not included. You can reduce the frequency and severity of drama by intervening to strengthen connection, reduce miscommunication or misinterpretation, or encourage an action that will break the drama doom loop. Don’t just sit back while drama brings your team down; there’s a lot you can do to reduce emotionality and get your team back on track.

Additional Resources

Become a Pro at Dealing With Emotions in the Workplace

Rising Emotions and the Risk of Emotional Contagion on Teams

Reduce the Impact of Emotional Contagion

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