My ADHD wife keeps insulting me and blames me for everything

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Dear all,

I am new to this forum as I am looking for some help. I am married and my wife has ADHD and our 2 daughters (6 and 9) also have ADHD. I am trying to manage my daughters but it is all starting to be a bit overwhelming.

Especially with my wife, who is more and more depressed and she blames me for everything that is wrong in her life, for everything that has ever gone wrong, etc. She sometimes has anger outbursts and starts insulting me, using every example of things I shared with her and seems to want to hurt me as much as possible.

She has now also started to do it in front of the kids and even when I tell her to stop, not do say certain things in front of the kids, she gets even more angry and insults me even more. It is so bad that I am sometimes scared to go home as I do not know if she will again freak out.

I am mentally exhausted and cannot control myself when I am tired and then start fighting back and also insult her. Normally when she starts, I just leave the room and go somewhere else however I sometimes cannot manage and respond by fighting as well.

Yesterday we had another fight and she insulted me quite a bit, so this morning my temper was a bit short and I shouted at my 6 year old daughter. She used this and started insulting me again and managed to turn my daughters against me, saying that I was a horrible father, etc. 

It was so bad that my daughters did not want me to drop them at school but asked for my wife to drop them, even though I normally drop them every day. 

I feel terrible as I should not have shouted at my daughter but I was just still angry from yesterday and instead of helping, my wife used this moment of weakness to turn the kids against me. When she is calm, I try to talk to her and tell her that it is not correct what she is doing, that she should never use the kids in our argument but she does not want to hear it.

This morning I heard her tell the kids that they should never marry a person like me, that they will be unhappy if they marry someone like their father. It is such a horrible thing to say to the girls. My wife is not working and I am working hard to try to get everything for my wife and kids but nothing is appreciated. We have 2 cars, pianos, 2 houses (one for holidays in Italy) and I keep on trying to give more and more to them but I never seem to have anything back. 

This really bad mood changes started during the pregnancy of my 2nd child and have only been getting worse, especially the last 2 years. My wife does not want to seek therapy and I am starting to not see any way out apart from divorce.

I guess what I am asking, should I still be fighting for this and if so, how? Or as there has been no improvement since years now, should I say that it is enough and leave? I am afraid if I do this that she will completely push the kids against me. I feel quite trapped and all I want is for the situation to get better...