How to Stop Complaints From Derailing Your Leadership
Here they come again, Connie complainer and Chris criticizer. Nothing’s ever good enough. Someone did something wrong. The schedule isn’t working, and on and on they go. Why can’t they just be happy? Constant complaining is a leader’s worst nightmare. Complaining increases anxiety, high blood pressure and a weakened immune system. The ripple effect is that complaining erodes morale, undermines teamwork and hinders productivity, leading to a toxic environment.
Every year, U.S. companies lose an estimated $359 billion in paid hours due to workplace conflict and unproductive behaviors like excessive complaining, venting, and interpersonal drama. The good news is that you can stop complaints from derailing your leadership.
As a top leader, every time you hear a complaint, it’s easy to get caught up in distractions and drama. Avoiding the complaint doesn’t make the problem go away. Instead avoiding creates what I call a Culture of Avoidance. Although one of the modules in my digital course The Performance Coaching Model includes instruction on Radical Listening, listening endlessly to the problem only grows new neuro-connections for the purpose of venting.
Some leaders shut complaining down. They say things like, “I didn’t ask you to work here,” or “Get yourself another job.” Although shutting people down creates a strong boundary, that boundary becomes a wall, cutting off problem-solving and damaging trust. Persecuting and shaming the complainer may keep you out of earshot of the complaint, but it doesn’t build collaborative relationships.
Other leaders try endlessly to please the employee—to show that they care, or to appease them for a moment. In the end, always fixing the problem creates codependency. What can you do instead? Follow my five step process, and teach this to your managers!
Step 1: Reinterpret the complaint as a hidden or unmet need. (When you change your interpretation from judgment and dread, to believing you’ve uncovered an unmet need, you gain more capacity to manage the conflict.)
Step 2: Acknowledge the complaint. Say something like, “I hear you. You’re upset because…” Once they feel heard, the next step is to get curious by asking a specific question.
Step 3: Ask a question.
This question is key to guiding the conversation. The question is, “What do you want?” Then pause. Chances are, they won’t know. They’ll try to distract you with what’s not fair, what didn’t happen, why what they want won’t work, and so on.
Stay the course. The real question to ask and be answered is “What do you want?”
Step 4: Avoid the traps.
A trap is a distraction to get you to engage in verbal ping pong. “What I want is for Kim to be fired,” or “What I want is to win the lottery.” These answers are an indication of lazy thinking and victim mentality. If this trap appears, your question is, “What would that give you that you don’t have now?”
Another trap is “I don’t know.” If they don’t know what they want, you say, “think about it and get back with me. I can only support you once you articulate what you want.”
Step 5: Resolution. The question “What do you want,” has a solid answer. With a solid answer you can either coach them to resolution or you can build a pathway for resolution.
The value of this process is that it also works in your personal life and with yourself.
How it works for yourself: The next time you find yourself complaining recognize that you’re wasting time. Search for and articulate your unmet need. The question this time is “What do I want?”
Here’s what you need to know. Every big problem in an organization can be traced back to some sort of conflict mismanagement. Check out my course, The Performance Coaching Model and get on my calendar to explore how we can support your leadership growth.
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