How Manipulators + Narcissists Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Control You

How manipulatable are you?

When someone is using fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to control you, do you recognize it, or not?

If not, or you’ve never heard of FOG, you’re in the right place. This episode is all about the FOG technique, commonly used by narcissists and others to manipulate people to do what they want at all costs. I’m breaking down what it is and sharing real-life examples from my therapy practice to help you become less susceptible.

Note: the purpose of this episode is to educate you on how people will try to manipulate you, not to make diagnoses. People using one of these tactics in isolation (like guilt) does not automatically make them narcissists.

https://youtu.be/gvWT7Cd3r1A

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How Manipulatable Are You?

In my younger life, I spent many years in denial about the truth of how manipulative people could be because it was painful.

I also fell into the category of positive projection, which is important to be aware of in the context of manipulation.

Positive projection is when we assume other people are like us and share our same morals, values, and ethics, even though we don’t have any proof that they do. We just project our own positive traits onto them.

Can you see how this might make someone more susceptible to manipulation?

When you’re a decent person, it’s easy to fall for manipulative people because you’re more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt. Positive projection makes us vulnerable to manipulators because it doesn’t cross our minds to act manipulatively.

What is FOG?

The FOG acronym was coined by Dr. Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their book, Emotional Blackmail.¹

It was originally used to describe the foggy feeling we often get when in a relationship with someone who suffers from an untreated personality disorder or is a narcissist.

Manipulators and narcissists use the FOG technique to control and maintain dominance in their relationships.

Here’s how they do it:

Fear: The manipulative person may instill a fear of abandonment by threatening social isolation or retaliation. By saying things like, “What will other people think?” the partner may hesitate to leave or set boundaries.

Obligation: When someone is masterful at employing the FOG technique, they exploit your sense of responsibility and duty. Narcissists are especially skilled at flipping the script. You might raise a complaint and somehow find yourself apologizing by the end, wondering how the heck that happened.

They also justify their demands and normalize them by bringing other people into it: “Everyone does this!”

Guilt: Manipulative people may try to guilt-trip their partners into staying, even if the partner no longer loves them and wants to leave, especially if the narcissist is still getting something from them (like supply).

They may also try making you feel responsible for their actions or emotions, even when you’re not at fault. It’s the classic, “If you hadn’t done X, then I wouldn’t have done Y.” “You made me act badly.” This is BS- no one makes anyone do anything.

Real-Life Examples of FOG Being Used

To give you a deeper understanding of how fear, obligation, and guilt are used, here are real-life examples I’ve seen from my therapy practice.

I once had a client whose husband said, “I will kill myself if you ever leave.”

This is heavy to carry and people often wonder, what if they follow through?

The reality is you aren’t responsible for their choice.

I’ve heard lots of stories of mom guilt from clients, too. “If you don’t spend Christmas week at the family house, then you don’t love me.”

Or a father saying, “You’re killing your mother because you won’t do this. Don’t you know she has high blood pressure and this is causing her so much stress? Why can’t you do this for her? It’s not that big of a deal.”

I also had a client whose husband was super manipulative and would say things like, “Listen…I wasn’t going to say anything, but Bob also told me he was worried about you and thinks you’ve gone off the rails.” This is using fake concern meant to instill shame, fear, and insecurity in you.

Similarly, I had a client who left a very religious sect in a small town, and whenever she saw people from the church, they’d say, “How are you? We’re praying for you.” Again, fake concern. They’re really saying we disapprove of your choices and using disapproval to manipulate.

As I mentioned before, flipping the script is another common manipulation tactic where the person flips your words into something else, saying you meant X by saying Y, even though you never said X. You may find yourself apologizing to de-escalate the conflict while your initial concern goes unaddressed. This confusion literally creates a fog.

How Fear Impacts Us

When you fear the person you’re with, you’re psychologically at a disadvantage.

You stop bringing things up with them, knowing they’ll get mad or jealous, and your life becomes smaller as a result.

Living with someone using the FOG technique can impact your long-term health, too. Fear is the same as anxiety. They both produce the same stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline), which have a physical impact on top of the psychological impact it has.

That’s why it’s important to raise your awareness around this manipulation technique. Inside the guide, I’ve included questions for you to answer to evaluate your relationships for manipulative behavior.

Follow These Steps to Protect Yourself From FOG

You don’t need to participate in the FOG dynamic. You can change your experience by changing your situation.

First, learn everything you can learn about the personality disorder you believe the person using the FOG technique has. This will increase your understanding and awareness and make you less susceptible to their manipulation.

Second, get support. Manipulation becomes much easier to navigate when you don’t feel isolated. I have a beautiful community full of like-hearted women who meet weekly for a Q&A call where I answer questions. You can join and get all the details here.

Third, create better boundaries- emotionally, and internally. Boundaries create protection and serve as a reminder that you can empower yourself.

Fourth, when getting into new relationships, slow it down and let people reveal themselves over time.

You don’t need to make negative assumptions or be paranoid, but slowing down can help avoid positive projection and ensure what you know about someone is based on the reality of what they’ve shown you. Remember, not everyone is like you or has your good qualities.

Narcissists also use love bombing and future pacing to make us think they’re serious about us, but it’s actually a red flag to watch out for. If someone invites you to a wedding taking place in five months after dating for three weeks, you probably want to pump the brakes.

Lastly, if the situation you’re in is abusive, please create a plan to get out safely. I have a whole blog post outlining how you can do so here, but it’s critical not to reveal your cards or talk about any plans to leave with the abusive person. Your safety is the top priority.

I hope this episode was helpful and raised your awareness around the FOG technique, making you less susceptible to it. Download the guide and run through the questions to ensure you’re not experiencing manipulation from anyone in your life. And if you are, please seek support and know that the Terri Cole Membership is a soft place to land.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

¹https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt