Options to Profanity

Last week, I wrote about the health benefits of throwing out the F-bomb. In my blog, I made note of how liberally tossing out the F-bomb tended to diminish its impact. Thus, it was quite timely that I came across an article offering options to saying, “F&*k You!” Some of these made me roll with laughter, and I also tried to come up with a few of my own…

The tried and true Southern saying that is often said with a smile, but we all know it’s code for f&%k you…”Bless your heart.” And if you really want to stick the knife in, “Well, you’re just special, aren’t you?”The polite and very irritating alternate gesture to those assholes who cut you off, blow them a kiss or give a thumbs up. Apparently, this tends to piss them off more than flipping the bird.Tell someone to, “Have the day you deserve.”When someone rants at you, simply say, “Noted.” I think this is probably my generation’s “whatever.”In the corporate or work world, starting an email with, “As per my last email,” and then copying as many people who are up the chain of command, is the ultimate screw you. Then, if you really want to piss them off, throw in an occasional, “Please advise.” Which basically calls them out as a twat.For the Star Trek fans out there, an oldie, but a goodie, “Beam me up, Scotty.” For those who aren’t Trekkies, that means you are not in the presence of intelligent life. Or a Picard saying, “You may test that assumption at your own convenience.”I rolled over laughing at this one…and since I always have gum with me, I just might use it…Pull out a piece of gum, plug your nose and offer it to the twat you want to swear at, then quietly walk away.The adolescent in me loved this one…Tell them they have a booger in their nose or something stuck in their teeth, then walk away.Using fancy terms for f*&k you, like, “You’re a prime candidate for self-copulation.” Or simply, “Why don’t you just self-copulate?” And one more, “Fornicate yourself.”Those in the UK know this one. Apparently, the Queen would say, “How amusing for you.”Especially fun with pro-lifers: “You’re an inspiration for birth control.”Not to be one-sided, but for all the devout Christians, I’m pretty sure, “I’ll pray for you,” means f*&k you in Christian speak. As opposed to sticking your head in the sand, with “Our hearts and prayers go out to the survivors of that awful tragedy.”Apparently, television shows will edit with, “Forget You!”I think this one is twenty-something snark…”Good luck with that.”Ouch… this one is a doozy: “I am jealous of everyone who has never met you.”“Wisdom has been chasing you, but you’re too quick.”“Silence is golden in your presence.”“Have you considered the advantages of being somewhere else?”For those who care about the environment, “There’s a tree that wastes its time and energy making oxygen for you. You should apologize to it.”Last, but not least, one of my favorites, “Have the day you voted for!”

Some of these were truly creative, while others I had certainly heard versions of. I really need to incorporate these gems into some of my books. I know I’ve thought of other creative alternatives to swear words in books like The Book Addict and Love Forever, Live Forever, but they were mostly made-up words. If you’d like to explore my books, where characters prefer not to use profanity, simply click the links below. Or, feel free to check out my latest releases. The Love Demand comes out in Audible soon. I promise, they’re fun reads. What sayings have you heard that do the trick?

The Kitten Trap The Love DemandClick on Covers for purchase links and description