Six Years with ADHD + Unknown Partner

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hello all, 

I’m a new user on this forum. Honestly, I was just browsing the web at my wit’s end hoping to find something that would help ease the seemingly hopeless frustration I’ve been feeling. 

Just a little bit about me, I am a fairly young (early 30s) neurotypical American guy. I have been together with my wife (similar age) for six years now, and we have one child together with another on the way. We met just before graduate school, and we fell in love just before the chaos of COVID. 

My wife has been diagnosed with moderate to severe ADHD, but she has daily floods of negativity and sadness from what appears to be undiagnosed depression/OCD that makes her very challenging to be around. My personal therapist described it as “wallowing in misery”, and I often catch him looking at me like I’m crazy for staying when I describe some of the things she says. I would explain it as extreme self loathing combined with anxiety and guilt about failing to meet expectations. She’s guilty about almost everything she does, but it frustrates me because she doesn’t actually do anything about it.

When we started dating, she was fun, sexy and held a part time job as a personal trainer. She still probably wasn’t “neurotypical” (I’m not sure such a thing even exists), but she appeared capable of managing her emotions better. Fast forward to the last two years and there has been a noticeable regression in her mental state. 

The first struggle with her ADHD is that she refuses to go out of the house (or on vacations) unless very specific criteria are met. I’m not exaggerating here, we have ruined countless trips because she simply had a meal with a particular seasoning on it that she thought “didn’t taste right”. Something like this quite literally happens nearly every time we go out. It feels like there’s always something wrong with the activity that merits going home super early. She can’t sit through a movie or even go to a nice restaurant without forcing us to leave 30 minutes in. I’m constantly bending over backwards to accommodate her need, and it feels like I really need to be a mind reader to catch this stuff early. 

For me, coming home from work sometimes can be demoralizing. She throws her stuff all over the floor, leaves a shocking mess on every surface - ledges, counters, tables, sofas, etc. I feel like I’m working two jobs when I return home at 5 because the house genuinely looks like a bomb went off.  I’m not a clean freak, but I don’t even have enough space to sit down, let alone relax. I spend so much time cleaning and taking trash off the various surfaces that I really should be getting paid for it. I’m an engineer by trade, but I often find myself anxious about messes at the office because I’m afraid that if I don’t take care of them, they’ll stay like that for weeks like at home. 

As for our son, he’s in daycare, so my wife and I don’t need to care for him during the day. After he’s home however, she gets extremely overwhelmed and totally checks out after spending less than an hour with him. That usually means that I end up taking care of him most of the evening, and almost all of the weekend. I love my son, and I try to be intentional about my time with him, but I am just an emotional ash heap some days from having fill the void of a second parent. 

My wife is currently employed, but she has a hard time maintaining consistent work. Seemingly like clockwork, she develops a petty problem with coworkers or management then becomes depressed and eventually starts trying to quit. After the last time this happened, I suggested that she should try staying at home for a few months and see if she would prefer that. We weren’t rich back then, but I budgeted for it. But that didn’t fix things unfortunately; she was still a colossal wreck - just this incorrigible pit of sadness alone in a house that wouldn’t look out of place on TLC. 

Sex is also a difficult subject. We sometimes go months without being intimate. When we tried for our second child, she insisted on only trying the days her calendar told her to, removing all the fun and enjoyment out of the process. Even when she has a sudden interest again, she doesn’t prioritize me or my feelings. I know that’s strange for a man to say, but I feel like my happiness/satisfaction is always secondary to hers. As a guy, I know I have an additional responsibility towards my partner when it comes to sex. Enthusiastic consent is gospel, and demanding intimacy from your partner is really gross. I want her want me after intentional emotional connection. It’s just that because of her worsened ADHD, dates/quality time I plan for us usually ends up being cancelled. She doesn’t initiate romantic time, and when we do become intimate she puts very little effort into the process. I just don’t feel attractive to her, which has made me feel so hurt. 

The only thing she has any kind of consistency with is her phone. I am not a “phone bad” partner, and I don’t hate social media either. But the stimulation from her phone is what dictates her life sometimes. She tries to hide it, but I see the screen time on her device thanks to her alarms. I respect her for trying to fight it, but she regularly clocks over 8 hours on her phone daily. It’s up in front of her face when we’re trying to watch TV, it’s up when we have family over, it’s just a staple of her person nowadays. I know that ADHD has roots in dopamine regulation, which makes social media particularly addictive, but being at the brunt end of it isn’t made any easier by that fact.

I enjoy giving acts of service as part of my love language, so some of her ADHD quirks don’t bother me much at all. She doesn’t like to drive, so I’ll gladly drive her places whenever she needs it. She’s pretty terrible with money, but on the other hand I am pretty great at making money. It’s the rest of the stuff that has been the real struggle. 

I am still trying to talk to her about these behaviors, but that often feels like a lost cause, which really breaks my heart. When I try to tell her how I feel about my stress as a consequence of ADHD relationship burnout, she gets defensive and tells me to break up with her. If I ask her to clean something, she immediately blames her condition and starts feeling “guilty” about it. I’m not trying to make her feel guilty, I just need help. Also, I have to maintain a laser-precise tone during conversations out of fear that she’ll shut down and stop talking to me outright. Imagine you’re (calmly) trying to tell someone to stop stepping on your foot and after every word out of your mouth you’re interrupted with: “stop sounding so on edge” or “try saying it nicer”. As a result, I will admit that I’ve given up expecting anything from her: emotionally, physically, sexually. I just don’t view her as trustworthy or reliable. Some days it feels like I’m pouring my life into a bottomless pit.

I like to imagine myself as a strong adult. I grew up in a pretty rough household. But I have to admit that this relationship has left me emotionally and spiritually drained at times. Even with a personal therapist, I can’t beat these feelings of burnout. Venting to strangers here is satisfying, but I really would appreciate some words or encouragement or suggestions. I know there’s no one size fits all policy to being the partner of a neurodivergent person, but I still appreciate all your insights. 

Thank you for your time.