Obedience With Exactness
Photo by Marcelo Silva on Unsplash
My family and I sat on a blanket in the crowded grassy field of the Orem Owlz stadium eagerly awaiting the start of a game. The warm breeze carried the smells of kettle corn and the words of the women sitting in front of us. Their familiar layered MOD shirts outlined the garment lines matching the church content of their conversation. I tried to tune out but later one of the voices became raised in clear frustration and I heard “He’s 5, he knows how to brush his teeth. His tooth had a cavity! I told him “you owe the tooth fairy money!””
Being a mom of 2 young children at the time, I looked at mine and thought about what I had heard. Is that what I’m supposed to do? Am I spoiling my kids by not having this rule or thinking this way? Motherhood is the divine role of women in the church and I found myself always wanting to be a better one, recognizing that my own mission in this world was to raise children up in righteousness. As an LDS mother, I often felt that I wasn’t doing enough and listening to other moms at church would often bring my insecurities to the surface. I wasn’t good with discipline or structure and I saw these as deficits in my parenting. I viewed the moms with elaborate chore boards and a tiered system of consequences with the same awe as my teenage eyes viewed the prom queen, in other words, entirely out of reach.
We are taught “Motherhood is more than bearing children. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our [Heavenly] Father gave us (Sheri Dew).” To qualify for celestial exaltation, one must be a righteous woman who raised her children in righteousness. As Sister Dew said, “mother is the word that will define a righteous woman made perfect in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, a woman who has qualified for eternal increase in posterity, wisdom, joy, and influence.” Being an LDS mother is an extraordinary, high stakes, lifelong tightrope walk isn’t it?
Photo by Sean Benesh on Unsplash
Mothers are expected to teach and enforce obedience as it is the first law of heaven. Obedience is supposed to keep children safe and expand their faith. It is the law for which all others are predicated upon. If we are to raise children in righteousness, obedience is a measuring stick. Failing to obey is associated with wickedness in the scriptures and leads to the destruction of person and of entire peoples. With that outlook, no wonder so many LDS members become very focused on their children’s’ obedience. Children and adults alike are commanded to obey God, even when we do not understand why (Nephi 3:7).
When I watched the recent documentary about Ruby Franke, the Mormon vlogger imprisoned for the abuse of her children, a phrase she used tore right through me. She said her children needed to display “obedience with exactness.”. This phrase comes from the Book of Mormon, and is spoken by the prophet Helaman about the 2,000 stripling warriors. He said: “Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness” (Alma 57:21).
The stripling warriors were a group of 2,000 young men who were taught in righteousness by their mothers. They were obedient and thus all spared from slaughter in war. Primary children sing a song about this army that proclaims “We have been born, as Nephi of old, to goodly parents who love the Lord. We have been taught and we understand, That we must do as the Lord commands.”
The church manual Preach My Gospel, used in church classes and missionary training states, “ you are expected to keep the commandments willingly, to obey mission rules, and to follow the counsel of your leaders. Obedience is the first law of heaven. It is an act of faith. You may sometimes be required to do things you do not completely understand.” We see this same expectation throughout scriptures and in talks by leaders, church history lessons, and often parents.
Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash
I think our society has grown increasingly focused on exact obedience within religion but also within our social structures. I can’t go a day without hearing something along the lines of “why didn’t they just obey?” with no thought about potential other factors. This position can silence others and in extreme cases lead to abuse.
We are witnessing real time examples of this in the Lori Vallow Daybell and Ruby Franke cases. A court affidavit states “Lori Vallow also told Gibb that Tylee had turned into a zombie when she was 12 or 13, which was approximately the same time Tylee had become ‘difficult’ to deal with” This sounds eerily similar to Ruby Franke’s diary entry which states “If he wants to emulate the Savior, he needs to be a hundred percent obedient with exactness.” I think it’s highly likely that both mothers started out with good intentions to teach their children the first law of Heaven and to save them from wickedness, but exact obedience led to dehumanizing their children to the point of abuse and death.
It is developmentally appropriate for children to push boundaries and/or need to understand the whys in their lives. While this is true of all children, it’s especially true of our children who are on the Autism Spectrum. For these children, knowing the why is critical to understanding the rules, the patterns, and to increase their understanding of the world around them. Children on the spectrum are often misunderstood as being disrespectful when they are truly to make sense of what is being asked. They are also disproportionately abused..
In an organization that commands exact obedience, it’s important to be aware of its negative potential and be equipped to prevent it.
If you suspect child abuse, call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child or 1-800-422-4453, or go to www.childhelp.org. All calls are toll-free and confidential. The hotline is available 24/7 in more than 170 languages.
