How to teach your young children obedience; a thrifty update; and more!
How can you teach your toddler to obey?
Children need to learn obedience. Obedience is really self control, because it means not giving into one’s passions but instead following authority; the authority in turn follows the truth and what is good for the child and for everyone. (In other words, the authority doesn’t act arbitrarily.)
So a big part of learning to obey is learning self control.
To learn self control, the little child needs patterns.
To the child, there is no inkling, not a hint, that the day will take a turn and we will find ourselves eating supper.
The toddler has no clue that the playground can be found, quite reliably, down the street.
Certainly a big baby can’t even imagine what you could be doing when you are out of his sight, or that you even exist at all.
So before a child can obey, there is so much he has to learn about, well, everything!
The wise mother doesn’t see these things as separate: the daily patterns and the learning of obedience. She sees them as one. She doesn’t just move her child from one place, one thing he has to do, to another. She sees getting him out of his crib in the morning as a chance to awaken him to how this day is like the others, what we will do next, and how their bond will create trust in him eventually to obey her.
“Let’s get your diaper changed and some nice clothes on so we can go have breakfast! One, Two, Buckle my SHOE!”
Divide your day into “units” so you’re not both just wandering aimlessly through it. Have a purpose for each unit, including rest.
The pattern of the day with its quieter times and its more active ones offers many opportunities for cooperation, trust, and learning self control, that lead to the habit of obedience. Here are some examples (and I’m thinking of an 18-24-month-old):
“Run and put this dirty diaper into the trash for me, please!”
“Please hand me the baby’s blanket.”
“Dash over there and get me some diapers and the wipes.”
(The new baby is a great way to establish the idea that your toddler exists to run and do things for you.)
“It’s nap time now; up the stairs we go, [singing] Go to sleep, little baby, Go to sleep, little baby, Your mama’s gonna sway, And your daddy’s gonna pray, Won’t you close your eyes, little baby?”*
“You want to read a book? Yes, let’s! First put this truck back on the shelf.”
“Soon it will be time to get things ready for Daddy! Want to play outside while you’re waiting?”
Remember to say, long before you are barking out a command and expecting compliance, “You know, it’s good to obey Mama! When I say to do something, you say, ‘Yes, Mama'” and do it — such a good boy.” The best time to say this, lovingly, is occasionally as he is actually doing what you asked.
*Nursery rhymes are crucial for so many things, establishing patterns being one of them!
It’s better for you to ask for something even if you can do it yourself, if you see it as a moment where an aimless little kid can gain a sense of purpose.
As you go through the day, he starts to interpret your warning voice and connect it with something he shouldn’t do. Of course he wants to do it anyway! That’s the passionate toddler in action!
If it’s something merely naughty, mother doesn’t panic. She remembers he needs a pattern, takes into account his age and development by standing above and separate from him, not letting him get under her skin, and keeps correcting, over and over.
Firmly. Explain a bit but then just rely on calm firmness. She realizes that most of the time he literally has no idea what’s going to happen. A mess is to be expected. “That’s naughty!” is the proper response if it really was naughty. If it’s just something inconvenient, well, do your best!
If it’s something legitimately dangerous, she acts swiftly. No, you don’t have to explain as he reaches for the electrical outlet or is about to pull something heavy on himself! You can yell and even deliver a spank if the circumstance warrants it (i.e. he has been told before). And because of the trust built in the other little interactions, the germ of an idea grows in his mind: that he must obey.
Anyway, I’ve been getting a lot of comments and mail from moms of littles on this topic. Teaching obedience takes a long time in a lot of cases (especially with boys): obedience doesn’t come from a vacuum. It comes out of the relationship you build on the foundation of the little things you do all day long.
Grocery-Store Herbs Corner
I think the rosemary is dying, but I got some basil at the grocery store and divided up — there are like 12 or more little plants in that one container, for $3!
I have had this little terracotta pot for ages (mug for scale) — it’s so little, and has no drainage (not that I would know what to put under it), so whatever I plant in it dies immediately. But it’s darling and my hopes refuse to be dashed.
I never could figure it out until I had the idea to cut one of those plastic six-pack seedling cells in half lengthwise. I divided the basil plants up in it, smushing it in the planter. It fits right inside and I think this will work! I also cut the basil way back.
I have repeatedly affirmed that I am not an indoor plant person but this is making me happy. Even if it doesn’t make it. It’s only $3! You can’t even buy three eggs for $3.
Thrifting Corner
I put this on Instagram but I thought I would show you here too.
Here is one of the items I told you about last week: a beautifully made, high quality 100% merino cardigan:
But I didn’t like the buttons.
They are metal and really quite ugly!
So I replaced them with pretty shell ones from my stash, that however do not photograph well as they are so shiny!
Maybe this helps you see how just changing the buttons can really change something from a bit frumpy to really special! Or maybe you have to see it in person to get it!
More on Small KitchensExcept the high chair ones.
I detest those IKEA/triptrap chairs. I think in a small or very cluttered space (like my big kitchen with all its chairs and pathways) they are just a menace. But they would be a menace in an open field. Isn’t it enough that we are tripping over the dishwasher door? And the dog?
Auntie Therese and I were discussing them as we were appreciating the old wooden high chair she obtained for her grandchildren in her little cottage. We were sharing our detestation of those awful new ones, ranting away as only two grandmas can.
She pointed out that they are made with those splaying legs because it’s supposedly safer, but of course everyone other than the baby is over there breaking their ankles and toes every day! She thinks the old-fashioned kind are fine. “We’re always there. We aren’t going to leave our baby alone to stand up and tip it over.”
So anyway, if you are going insane with those ridiculous (yet appropriately named) TRAPS of death, may I suggest a sturdy vintage wooden high chair. (I do endorse the other ideas of the clip-on kind or the ones that sit on regular chairs.)
This one has gone through 5 of my own children (I threw away the stupid plastic-and-metal one I had for the first two) and all the grandchildren when they are here (though it was unjustly sidelined in favor of the triptrap one when Deirdre was living here). It is 42 years old. The tray is annoying, I’ll grant you. But it only trips you sometimes.
bits & pieces
I forgot to say, in my Lenten pep talk, to just… leave your phone out of your bedroom when you go to bed. Try it. Here’s a good article about phone use: Do you remember how life used to feel?
Looking for incandescent bulbs (say yes): I always have to do a search all over again, but these are an amazing price compared with the ones I’m seeing on Amazon right now. I don’t know about these particular bulbs, but they have good reviews. I have ordered from this company before. Always check the bulbs right away to be sure they aren’t broken. A broken filament has a very high-pitched ringing rattle to it.
The role of bitters in your nutrition. I tend to think the American diet doesn’t have enough bitter things in it, and could be one reason why we are always catching all the colds etc.
Joann’s May Be Dead but Sewing Is Forever
I know the trending thing is to think “just buy organic” and sometimes it’s a good thought, but sometimes it’s not. We have to be savvy! Hidden dangers in organic food.
from the archivesSay this instead of “because I said so” — you’ll be amazed Toddler LifeWhat Can Children Do? A Guide
liturgical living
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