Guest Post: Can We Stop Talking About Motherhood?

by MM

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have a preoccupation with motherhood. With concepts like “Every woman is a mother” and “Mother in Heaven” and celebrations of Mother’s Day happening in United States-based congregations every year, motherhood is clearly an important topic for members of the church. 

Well, I’m tired of it. I recognize that people may be uncomfortable with me saying this. Many women have made difficult choices and sacrifices to become mothers and many feel so fulfilled by this. I’m not suggesting that women cannot find joy and purpose in motherhood. What I am saying, though, is that I’m exhausted by pretending every woman is a mother and that motherhood is the universal female experience. 

To be clear, this is not just something touted by the mainstream church organization. Even more nuanced spaces often talk about how women’s spirituality is different than men’s because women understand sacrifice more because they are mothers. Society overall has an obsession with women as mothers. But people of Mormon backgrounds seem particularly focused on motherhood. 

I do not have children. Right now, that is my choice. I don’t feel ready to be a mother yet. Because I am actively choosing to not be a mother, I am tired of that label being put on me. I’m not a mother. I do not know what it is like to comfort a toddler sobbing in the night. I do not know what it’s like to give birth and lactate and suffer from post-partum depression. It does a disservice to the women who do experience those things to suggest that I understand those experiences, just because I am a woman. I don’t. 

I can barely scratch the surface of the topic of infertility. It is a complicated subject with many women having deep, painful feelings. I personally think the “every woman is a mother” just encourages people to avoid having empathy for those struggling with infertility. Instead of sitting with women in those difficult feelings, they can just say, “Well, you’re still a mother!” and move on. 

Furthermore, as a woman who is currently childless by choice, I am tired of people assuming that I am infertile! I guess I’m glad that people are willing to hold space for those who struggle with fertility. But is there no space for someone waiting until God tells her the time is right to have children? Numerous times, I have had people apologize that I cannot have children, when I have never said that is the case! But in our church, we tend to think that no woman would choose to not have children. After all, women are nurturers by nature … right?! 

I feel infantilized at church, particularly in Relief Society. When we act like motherhood is the universal female experience, birth becomes a rite of passage and women cannot be grown women until they have experienced it. Sometimes I feel that we separate women at church into two categories: 

MothersWomen who are not yet mothers. 

As a woman in the second category, I often feel treated like I’m still barely out of Young Women’s. Relief Society discussions focus on how to raise our children and teach them. 

In fact, I have even found the easiest way to broach difficult topics at church is to say, “If I have children, how do I teach them _____?” People light up. They love it. It’s handled way better than me saying, “I don’t know how to sit with ______.” In fact, the times I have framed something as my own difficulty, I have been bombarded with older members of the ward telling me I would understand more when I got older and had children of my own. So now, I just frame my questions as a dutiful “future mother” trying to prepare to teach her children. 

But sometimes, I don’t want to make changes for my future, currently non-existent children. So many women who fight for change in the church do it for their daughters and granddaughters, which is certainly noble and inspiring. I just want it for me, though. I don’t have a daughter yet, and I may never have a daughter. I want things to be better for me. I don’t want to have to wait until my granddaughters are grown for the culture to change. I want to be fed and nourished and to serve with everything I have. I want to believe I have value outside of my mothering. I want my opinions and thoughts to matter today. 

But framing it as wanting change for me sounds selfish, and you know who isn’t selfish? Mothers. Mothers are arguably some of the most selfless people on earth, and that is glorified with phrases like “angel mothers.” Perhaps that’s another reason people default to motherhood being equal to womanhood. Otherwise, they have to deal with “selfish” women. 

I even find myself trying to prove that I have maternal instincts now. I teach music lessons, and when a student feels comfortable enough to try something new, I often find myself saying “See. I can do this ‘mom’ thing. I can nurture.” When I play with my nieces, I feel myself wanting to get it right so I can look like a good non-mother. When really, I want to have fun with my nieces because I love them and they’re awesome! I help my students grow because I’m a good teacher! I believe God helps me, but not because it’s my “motherhood training.” 

I want to be myself. Maybe that is selfish. Maybe that’s why I try so hard to prove I have that nurturing gene. But at the end of the day, I am tired of being labeled as a mother or even as a non-mother. Labeling me by my motherhood status just defines me by one tiny part of my life. I am an individual person, today, now, without my children. I want women to be treated as individuals after they have children. Women have dreams and hopes and plans and aspirations and personalities. I desperately want women to be seen for those things, regardless of their motherhood status. 

Even the feminine divine is defined by her relationship to motherhood, not her individuality. She is “Heavenly Mother” or “Mother in Heaven,” not “Goddess.” 

So, please, can we stop talking about motherhood? Or at the very least stop treating it like the universal female experience. I am a grown, individual woman. I don’t have to nurture to prove it. I don’t have to give birth or adopt to prove it. I shouldn’t have to do those things to have my voice heard and respected. 

 

MM is a passionate opera singer living in the Pacific Northwest.

(Note: Meme made by myself!)