I didn't sign up for this

Forum: Communication with ADHD

it's been some time since I've been able to post. And to be honest, nothing has gotten better - if anything it's gotten so much worse and I need a safe space to vent/cry/relate and all the things in between. 

I've been doing the work on myself big time. It's been hard and uncomfortable and there have been some big life changes as well that are very positive for ME as a person - and not as me as a wife or mom. The changes mean that I must put down the To Do list and things that are causing a lot of anxiety and I must start communicating on my needs/desires/wants. The problem is, is that this is incredibly hard for me to do (due to a mix of childhood, bad patterns and all that s*** that rears its head when a Non is in a long-term relationship with someone spicy) so when I do get the courage to ask for what I need, stand up for myself, set boundaries (and actually enforce them for myself instead of expecting someone else to adhere to them) the level of defensiveness from my spouse is off the charts. And I'm not exagerating at all. It's this continuous assault on every.thing.I.say. Every. Little. Thing. 

But what I'm seeing now feels like such a clearer picture and I'm trying to do somehting really radical with myself that is incredibly out of my comfort zone - stop telling myself lies. This means, stop excusing my spouses behaviour and passing it over and start standing up for myself and my values. For example - my ADHD spouse used the home office yesterday and long story short, it was a MESS. But he said NOTHING about it, didn't acknowledge it or anything, just said his call went fine. Ok then. The next morning (today) I asked politely (after considering what time to talk to him etc bc he's just teetering on a cliff edge every day in regards t ohis emotions - he has 0 emotional regulation) if he could straighten the office before 10am as I need to get some work done. It was that bad, just things out of place, stuff on the desk - basically I could not just set up my laptop and work. For me, Id be embarrassed to leave a place that I used like that for the next person. It's a consideration (or lack of tbh). And what happened when I made this request? he went OFF about how he had an accident and for god sake it wsa only a few books (didn't even notice the books - it was more the hammer (?) on the desk along with the piles of things strewn about) and his back hurt so he couldn't clean up... etc. So I calmly asked if this meant he needed me to pick it all up and he went OFFF again. And my 11 year old son hear it all. He ain't stupid. (I have no idea what to do about that and it's so dibilitaing on how to even begin to face this dilema). And I just shut down. It's so toxic and I have no idea how to deal with it or anything. I don't know myself anymore or why I behave like this. 

But I calmed myself down and to bring it around full circle, my realisation is this: I didn't sign up for this. And if I didn't sign up for this, how do I even begin to address it? I don't deserve and don't like how my spouse treats me. I hate that this is modelled for my son. But I've done the work and doing the work and know that I don't live in my values and this marriage is quite literally making me sick. 

*And Before anyone says 'leave' - I have NO Idea where to go and dang it, this is my house too. 

And in an effort to stop lying to myself (I get the Mark Manson emails if anyone else gets them too - that one really stung but it was someting I needed to hear) I calmed myself down after my spouse just lost it, and asked myself if I can get my work done in the place looking like it did - and I couldn't so I cleaned it up. I cleaned up after my almost-48 year old grown man. And he's not a grown man, I am married to a person who is stunted emotionally in his teens and he behaves like it every day. Every. Day. But this time, I felt a bit different because I cleaned up, not from a state of resentment, but instead I cleaned up for myself and what I knew I deserved and I looked after myself in that moment and it felt good. This is the first time in 5+ years I've had a job that is at an office so it's been amazing to get out and socialise and build a community elsewhere. 

So with all that in mind - I didn't sign up for this. But I also know these truths: My husband is a stranger to me. I don't want to be in a marriage that doesn't serve me. While I do not have hope, I know that I want to look back and believe I did everything that was possible - short of doig the work of 2 people (which I can't) and if I have to walk away, I will. If my spouse decides to fight and stay in the marriage, then he's gotta step up. I also know that our next step will either need to be marriage couselling or mediation to discuss separation - there is no other options in my opinion. We suck at communicating, our relationship is 100% broken and I am not even sure I like him let alone in love with him. Things have gotten so bad they just suck all around. All the time. 

With all these truths and knowing this - like, WTF is my next step? Where do I even face - let alone go - from here with this knowledge? It sits in me, it wakes me up at night. 

And for what its worth - I do the 'things' - i get sleep, i exercise, I eat good food, I do need to work on resting, but otherwise, my marriage is the highest form of stress for me. And I can 'Mel Robbins' it all day and night but eve nshe agrees - you can "let them' but it doesn't take away the pain. But if this pain is this consistent and it's there every day, well now I feel I'm in the suffering category and I don't want to be in this anymore. I want to thrive, not survive. 

Thoughts and I truly do welcome them from both sides. They are appreciated.