Excerpt from Healing with SALVE – Parenting Workshop

When discussing bullying I often hear anti-bullying activists espouse the need to “stop the bullies”. The implication being that the way to stop or do away with bullying in our schools is to make the bullies change. The problem with this thinking is, in most cases, the bully is simply speaking out and advocating their belief system. They are communicating their displeasure with another person’s point of view, lifestyle, ehtnicity, appearance, life choices or sexual orientation. Often they have learned these opinions from influences close to them, i.e. parents, relatives, friends, or other sources that have promoted or advocated a particular, similar point of view.

The difficulty with the concept of queling those belief systems in another person is that the anti-bullying advocate or activist becomes the very thing they are speaking out against. They are engaging in the very same behavior. By telling the bully they are wrong for what they believe or how they live the anti-bullying advocate is engaging in bullying.

In my experience and historical research, no one ever won a disagreement, conflict or argument by telling the other person or group they are wrong. The only effective way to change the belief system of another individual or group is not to tell them they are wrong, but rather show them.

We do this by standing strong in the face of criticism and adversity and holding to our beliefs, lifestyle, ethnicity, appearance, life choices or sexual orientation while, at the same time, respecting the right of the person or group advocating against you to speak their mind.

We American’s are born with a unique gift given us by the Founding Father’s of our great nation. The First Amendment to the Constritution, which ensures each individual’s right in this country to have an opinion and to voice that opinion in a lawful manner.

While there have been tragic consequences with regards to bullying in our society it is important to recognize that the best and most effective method of combating these harmful and tragic effects is to teach our young people to have a strong foundation in self esteem, tolerance, compassion and respect for others.

As an example of just how tragic the lack of these teachings can be I will share this story. A teenage boy commits suicide as a result of both in school and on-line bullying. His parents claim to have been unaware of the severity of the childs depression and were taken by surprise at their child’s sudden loss. Further investigation revealed that during the boy’s upbringing the father on numerous occasions had been outspoken in the home regarding his opinions on homosexuality. Without being aware of it the father had made his own home into a place, not safe for his own child to express himself and to seek guidance and counsel from his parents. This leaves the boy feeling isolated and alone.

Ultimately, although we would initially say that the boy committed suicide due to the bullying, what really happened was that the boy was not provided with a safe place to work through his feelings, or a supportive, nurturing environment to provide him the foundation in self esteem, compassion, tolerance and respect for others that he needed to navigate the treacherous waters of teenage life.

Parents are the first and best line of defense for creating the next generation of healthy, well adjusted adults. We may only accomplish this, however, through not only talking a good game in public, but also at home. I always say to people “Never assume no one is listening and at all times represent yourself as though your grandmother is in the room”. For most of us, that imagery of our grandmother being present prevents us from using inappropriate language, being impolite or disrespectful while generally providing us incentive to make an attempt to be a kinder, more compassionate person…