I’m Not Ready For This
By Alison
Alison lives in the Midwest with her husband and four children. She is an elementary school teacher, so naturally she loves a really good snow day so she can sleep in and watch TV with her baby girl.
Today my daughter is no longer in primary. My baby girl who still sometimes plays with her dolls and is clinging to a belief in Santa Claus is now considered a young woman in the eyes of the church. I’m not ready for this.
She has three older brothers, so I’m familiar with navigating the youth program as a parent. And four years ago I was serving in YW, so I’m familiar with it from a leadership perspective, as well. But it feels so different with my own girl. I never felt this dread when her brothers left primary. Why do I feel it with her?
Yes, I’m sad that she is not able to participate in the church in the same way her brothers do. When my oldest was first 12, I didn’t think too much about his priesthood ordination, but as time went on I became increasingly frustrated that young boys held more power in the church than I ever would. And now those brand new deacons are my daughter’s peers and it hurts even more. But it’s more than that.
I know I’m projecting here. I know I’m remembering my experience and assuming that it will be hers as well. I did love my time in the church’s young women program. I loved my leaders and my friends and the activities and even the Sunday classes. But, in retrospect, I do not love what they taught me. And I’m afraid she will learn the same things.
I don’t want her to think that anything having to do with her body or her feelings is shameful. I don’t want her to hear that I am a bad person because I don’t believe all that the church teaches. I don’t want her to think her worth is directly aligned with being a wife and a mother. I know things have changed since I was a teenager in the 90s. But I also know that in many ways, they have not. I know that the current progressive YW presidency in our ward could be changed at any moment to a presidency that thinks having teenaged girls participate in a wedding dress fashion show is appropriate. I read the lessons and I know that they are not as troubling as they were in the past, but I know that she will still be told things that I don’t think are true. I know that she will be told that she is important and valued at church, but she will not see evidence of that within the walls of the church.
I do not want her to go to the temple. I do not want her to have a man ask her questions that may make her feel uncomfortable. I do not want her going to a place that I am not currently allowed to go to myself. But, hey, at least she can do things I could never do as a teenager, like serve as a witness, hand out towels, and do baptisms while she is on her period.
I hate that I’ve created a double standard. That I’m okay with my boys doing these things but not her. I can’t make it make sense. All I know is that I know what it’s like to be female in this church. It can break you. And I don’t want it to break her.
