10 Boundary Practices to Go From Self-Abandoning to Empowered

Are you overly invested in the feeling states, situations, careers, circumstances, and relationships of the people in your life, to the detriment of your own internal peace?

So invested, that setting and maintaining boundaries feels selfish or impossible?

If so, you’re not alone, and this episode is for you. I’m looking at the Boundary Boss Bill of Rights from my first book, but through the lens of high-functioning codependency because that’s what my newest book, Too Much, is all about!

For high-functioning codependents (HFCs) who are used to giving, setting boundaries can be challenging, but they’re essential to our relationships. These boundary rights can serve as transformative tools for breaking free from the cycle of over-giving, people-pleasing, and self-abandonment so prevalent in HFCs.

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The Boundary Boss Bill of Rights Through the Lens of High-Functioning Codependency

Being the go-to problem solver, tireless caretaker, or rock everyone depends on are codependent behaviors HFCs often wear as badges of honor.

These traits can stem from generosity and love, but they can also come at the expense of personal well-being, boundaries, and self-identity.

While many HFCs are big-hearted, their helping nature and the compulsion to ‘fix’ or suggest solutions can lead to inadvertently stepping over other people’s boundaries.

Knowing your boundary rights can help you give from a healthier place and create space for more mutuality in your relationships. Let’s dive in.

#1: You Have the Right to Say ‘No’ or ‘Yes’ Without Feeling Guilty

Saying “no” as an HFC may feel impossible, but guilt-free no’s are the foundation of healthy relationships.

We have to be able to say no if that’s what our heart says, or if we simply can’t do something.

We don’t want our “yes” to come at the cost of ourselves. If it does, we need to look at why we’re saying yes. Overextending yourself doesn’t earn love. It might earn you temporary approval, but that’s not the same.

Your right to say no empowers you to choose where your energy goes and helps you let go of needing to justify your decisions.

How to practice this: When it feels true to you, say “no” in small, low-stakes situations to build confidence for saying no to more important people or decisions.

You may notice discomfort when you say no, but this is a sign of stepping into healthier patterns.

If you feel guilty for saying no, it’s probably not because you did something wrong, but because you’re afraid of disappointing someone. Part of getting into recovery from HFC is being okay with disappointing others.

#2: You Have the Right to Make Mistakes, Course Correct, and Change Your Mind

HFCs might feel like complete failures for making mistakes as they want to be above reproach, but the truth is that making mistakes is part of being human. No one is perfect.

Mistakes can create growth opportunities, and changing your mind shows flexibility and honors that you’re constantly evolving.

Agreeing to something once isn’t agreeing to it forever. We can change our minds!

How to practice this: Allow yourself to admit when something isn’t working and be honest with where you are. Whether with a job or a relationship, practice forgiving yourself for being imperfect because nobody is perfect.

The flexibility you have when you allow yourself to course correct is a strength, not a weakness.

#3: You Have the Right to Negotiate For Your Preferences, Desires, and Needs

HFCs often put others’ needs above their own, but our needs are just as valid as anyone else’s.

We don’t need to just accept what others want or are willing to give.

Negotiating in relationships creates space for mutual respect and reciprocity, and it’s how you assert yourself, which is good for you to do.

If you were raised in a family system where having needs got you in trouble, you likely learned to be a kid without many needs, who grew up to be an adult without many needs.

You might fear that needing something will lead to disappointment because you learned people couldn’t or wouldn’t step up for you as a kid.

But if you want this to change, you must try something different.

How to practice this: Negotiate your preferences in low-stakes situations, like choosing where to eat. The wins you get in small situations build the confidence to advocate for bigger needs. Self-advocacy isn’t selfish; it’s a necessary part of balance.

#4: You Have the Right to Express and Honor All Your Feelings If You So Choose

I included “if you so choose” because you also have a right to emotional privacy.

If you’re an HFC, you might suppress your feelings to avoid burdening others, which can lead to feeling alone and disconnected.

When I was an active HFC in my twenties, I spent so long listening to others that by the time anyone asked about me, I was so resentful I’d say, “Nothing, same old, same old,” just to get off the phone.

Repressing or suppressing your feelings doesn’t protect your relationships, though. It just blocks people from knowing who you are.

How can you have intimate relationships if no one knows how you feel? You can’t. Honoring your emotions deepens your connections.

How to practice this: Journal to reconnect with any emotions you may be minimizing and get curious about the feelings underneath the ones you discover. For example, if you feel resentful, ask, is there a different feeling underneath that? 

Allow yourself to feel without judgment, and if you feel called to, share whatever you discover with a trusted friend or therapist.

#5: You Have the Right to Voice Your Opinion, Even If Others Disagree

HFCs often keep their opinions to themselves to maintain the peace, but your voice is a vital part of your relationships. What you think and how you feel is essential.

Disagreement doesn’t have to mean disconnection or something terrible. We’re not all the same! The ability to disagree and tell the truth creates space to have real relationships.

Of course, if politics or an argumentative/emotionally unsafe person are involved, agree to disagree and don’t have the conversation. I’m talking more about where we’re self-abandoning to keep the peace and not feeling good about it.

How to practice this: Begin sharing your opinion on neutral topics like books, movies, or shows. Gradually move toward expressing your opinion on things that matter to you, to the people who matter to you. Your truth deserves to be heard by your VIPs.

Want all of the practices I’m mentioning in one spot? Download the guide to take your time going through each of these rights and the actions to affirm them.

#6: You Have the Right to be Treated With Respect, Consideration, and Care

HFCs often give a lot only to accept less from others to avoid being seen as “needy.”

Exercising your right to be treated with respect, consideration, and care reinforces that these things are mutual in a relationship (which they need to be) and that you deserve to be cherished for who you are, not just what you do.

How to practice this: Notice the patterns in your relationships. Are you the only one giving? Then, start setting small boundaries to create more mutuality. Mutual respect and care strengthen relationships, but a one-sided effort is just codependency.

#7: You Have the Right to Determine Who Has the Privilege of Being In Your Life

It’s easy for HFCs to hold onto draining or toxic relationships out of fear.

When I was younger, I was the queen of holding on for way too long in relationships because I didn’t realize I had a choice to let go.

Not everyone deserves to be in the VIP section of your life. You have the power to decide who belongs and who doesn’t. All of our adult relationships are voluntary- even family.

How to practice this: Take an inventory of your relationships and ask yourself, who energizes me? Who depletes me?

Start to clean out the VIP section of your life and release relationships that no longer serve you. It’s your right to see people less or limit how long you spend with them if they drain you.

#8: You Have the Right to Communicate Your Boundaries, Limits, and Deal Breakers

As an HFC, you might feel like setting boundaries is selfish or risky, but healthy boundaries are meant to protect your energy.

Boundaries are not barriers. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a radical act of self-love and love for others. It takes courage to set boundaries; our relationships are much better because they create mutual understanding and respect.

It’s your job to communicate your boundaries because no one else can do it for you! It’s not the responsibility of those around you to read your mind because they can’t.

How to practice this: Start small and practice setting boundaries in safe or unimportant relationships first, as it will feel less threatening.

Use compassionate statements like, “I can’t take that task on right now, but I hope you find support,” or, “I know you’ll figure it out.”

#9: You Have the Right to Prioritize Your Self-Care Without Feeling Selfish

HFCs often sacrifice self-care to meet others’ needs, but it’s essential for your health and well-being.

Prioritizing yourself helps you show up better for others, but that’s not the reason to do it.

The reason to prioritize it is because you are worth taking care of. You deserve to be well cared for by yourself and the people you allow to be close to you. It’s that simple.

How to practice this: Treat self-care as non-negotiable and block time in your calendar for it. To start, take 15 minutes for something that feels nourishing or energizing.

HFCs are highly capable, but even they can’t pour from an empty cup.

#10: You Have the Right to Talk True, Be Seen, and Live Free

To keep the peace, HFCs often hide parts of themselves, but this breeds insecurity.

Living free means embracing your whole self, even if it challenges others.

True freedom comes from aligning your life with your values, not self-abandoning to please someone else.

My top core desired feeling (from my friend Danielle LaPorte’s work and book, The Desire Map) has always been freedom. The freedom to do whatever I want and to fully embody who I am without fear of judgment, ridicule, or rejection. This freedom is life-changing.

How to practice this: Reflect on what living free means to you. What feels authentic and what feels performative? Make choices that align with your authentic truth.

All the practices mentioned above are inside the guide, which you can download here. Take time to go through it because setting boundaries, prioritizing your needs, and reclaiming your time and energy isn’t just about feeling better. It’s about transforming how you show up in every area of your life. 

These changes don’t happen overnight, and they’re not always easy to make alone. Structure, support, and community can be crucial, so I want to invite and encourage anyone who is a healer, helper, or coach looking to expand in their life and business to check out my 9-month mastermind, Flourish.

It’s for high-achieving, heart-centered women to move from over-functioning and people-pleasing to a place of more authentic power, balance, and freedom within a community of like-minded, like-hearted, highly capable women cheering each other on.

If that sounds interesting, please apply to join- I’d love to have you. We begin March 1st!

If you’re looking for a smaller commitment you can dip in and out of, you can also join my membership where you get access to four Q&A calls with me each month and my signature courses, like Boundary Boss Bootcamp. Get all the details and join here.

Let me know your thoughts about the Boundary Boss Bill of Rights in the context of high-functioning codependency in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole). Do you feel more empowered to set and maintain boundaries? To be more discerning about how much and to whom you give? Where do you still feel uncertain?

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you