My Feminism Was Working Against Me
In the last couple of years I have been asking myself, “What do I want to be when I grow up?”
My children are now ages that I have been longing for since they came through my body screaming at my milk-laden breast. They’re still young enough to want cuddles and seem to (mostly) like me, but old enough that they can make themselves food and attend public school all day. In my head I have been anticipating finally making my big feminist debut (cue blinking lights and fireworks) of either going back to school or getting some kind of paying job so I can contribute to the family income and finally add to my resume. That’s what a good feminist does, right? –becomes financially independent and enters the workforce in true Taylor Swift “If I Was A Man” style. And to throw it back a decade, the song “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T” by Lil’ Boosie and Lil’ Phat is playing in the background of my head.
I recognize that many women would love nothing more than to stay home with their kids but are unable to in this financial climate. This thought also plagues me and makes decision making even more strenuous. “Trad-wife” idealization and fanciful displays on social media are not representative of my stay-at-home mom life, but maybe I should try to do that or become an influencer and then I won’t have to make the decision to leave home for work 
For thirty years I had a plan; it happened to coincide with the Church’s plan of happiness for me as a woman:
I got married to a returned missionary in the temple at age 20.
I did not wait to have kids.
And now I’m raising children as a stay-at-home mom, filling the measure of my creation…
(Check, check, …check?)
Even after stepping away from the church three years ago, a lot of my identity is still tied up in all the teachings that spell out what women are here for. There are hundreds of mentions on the church’s website stating where women’s priorities are supposed to lie and where we should be–at home, raising righteous children. Leaving the church forced me to unpack what I actually want, and I still ask myself that every day. As a reaction to leaving, I felt like I needed to cut off the decades of prophets’ teachings in my head of being a mother raising the next righteous covenant-keeping generation. To be a good feminist (I thought) would be to break away from gender norms and empower myself through formal work experience, higher education, and participate in equal opportunities alongside men.
After attending the Exponent II retreat in 2022, I came home feeling inspired by all the women who have advanced degrees and careers. I decided to apply to the local university to start taking prerequisites for a masters in social work. Through my Introduction to Social Work class, I was able to volunteer at two local organizations for over a year. I learned so much through those experiences and thought I was on track to apply for a masters degree. I had to ask myself what this (going back to school full time) would mean for my family. The financial stress was something we weren’t prepared for yet, and we would have to outsource rides for the kids to their activities and probably have an expansive eating out budget. Even with those challenges, we could totally make it work. My husband wants what I want. This seemed like the perfect segway into my big feminist debut as a woman chasing after her wants.
But what if I got it all wrong?
My feminism was working against me. As I have weighed the pros and cons to attending graduate school and/or working, I realized that I had taken stay-at-home mom completely off the table. But what if I kept that as a choice? What if that is the most empowering, feminist thing for me to do right now–to choose to stay at home as the primary parent?
When the other options are in front of me, ultimately, I do not want to sacrifice the time that I have with my kids driving them to activities after school. Right now, I want to be the parent they can count on when they need to come home sick from school. Right now, I want to be able to help in their classrooms. I previously took those opportunities off the table in an attempt to break away from my Mormon norm. In asking myself why I want to pivot and do more outside the home, I realize that maybe it wasn’t for the right reasons and I can take a period of time to re-evaluate–I am not in a position where I must choose right this second. It’s tempting to think that I may regret not being home with them while they are still young, but I also know it’s never wise to make decisions based on fear! I know plenty of Mormon women who have gone to graduate school and/or have amazing careers while also being incredible parents to their children. I mean, men do it all the time….
I think I’ve convinced myself that I can choose to stay home, continue to be the primary parent, be available and around to influence my kids, and that choice doesn’t make me a bad feminist.
It took me a while to be okay with the idea that maybe what I was conditioned to want is something that I actually want. I needed the time and space to get to this, and the more I explore if future schooling and jobs are for me, the more I feel like the answer is “yes, and you don’t have to start right now.”
Have any of you made decisions based on what you felt like you should do as a feminist versus what you actually wanted to do? Or where you felt liberated by your feminism and are where you want to be? Please share in the comments!
