Teaching Boys How To Be Men
Article for DatingAbuseStopsHere.com about the crisis facing many boys and men in today's society.
Attention men, this article is for you.
When a man gets a woman pregnant and then disappears, he defaults on his responsibility to that woman and child. When he refuses to find work and abuses welfare, he puts stress on society to carry him. When a boy exhibits threatening behavior toward his girlfriend, he perverts his given talents of strength and power. When a CEO fails to properly care for his employees, he fails as a leader. When a father shames his son by saying: “Boys don’t cry, don’t be such a sissy. Be a man and suck it up,” all he effectively creates is a confused and humiliated boy that will eventually grow into a dysfunctional man.
By themselves, these are troubling things. Yet all are symptoms of a far more serious issue. One that is somewhat recognized, but blatantly ignored by society. In the book Season of Life, Jeffrey Marx and former pro-football star, Joe Erhmann, cut right to the root cause of this crisis: “The single biggest failure of our society: We simply do not do a good enough job of teaching boys how to be men.” ¹
Joe was a bruising defensive lineman in the NFL for thirteen years. After his career was over, he didn’t follow the same path as many other gridiron heroes. He is now an ordained minister. What influenced Joe to make such a radical life change? It was the loss of his younger brother, Billy, who died of cancer. “I was devastated by the reality of losing the person that I loved the most in this entire world,” Joe says. “…and that all the things that I had invested my life in really couldn’t help him one bit.” Joe’s awakening of how his life to that point lacked meaning is paraphrased here: “I had expectations that football would help me find purpose… but all I found was confusion… what happened to me, I think it happens to a lot of professional athletes: You start losing perspective. You’ve climbed the ladder of success, and when you get up there, you realize the ladder was leaning on the wrong building.” Joe realized he had been pursuing worthless goals his entire life - so he set out to find out why and where it all started. It led him all the way back to childhood.
The search for answers led Joe to the discovery of a problem he terms: “false masculinity,” a falsehood that starts at a very young age. He contends that, in our culture, all boys are given a three-fold criteria for what it means be a man: athletic ability, sexual conquest and economic success. “I think those are a lie, and lead to tremendous dysfunction both in marriages and relationships, and the societal problems of America.”
Athletic ability. On a grade school playground, who does a boy meet? Other boys. What happens? They compare their ability and compete. Who is the fastest, the strongest, the toughest. Physical and athletic ability quickly becomes a standard by which boys measure their relative worth. Those that excel are seen as a bit more masculine. The boys that cannot do those things are deflated.
Sexual conquest. As boys reach puberty, it becomes a competition for female attention. Assisted by imagery in society, sex (misguidedly) validates a boy’s maturation and masculinity. Joe explains: “Boys who can bring girls around, who can manipulate and use girls for their own egos, for their own gratification, those boys are pointed to as what it means to be a man.” And it’s a shameful thing for any boy that’s not “getting any action”. It’s also where the double standard for girls starts. What a dysfunctional and damaging message to send to our impressionable youth.
Economic success. As adults, men compete for job titles, size of house, man toys, bank accounts, trophy wives. “Somehow it all gets tied to these concepts of power and possessions. And those that have the most are deemed in America as being real men,” says Joe.
The trouble with all of the above is the focus is on the man and his selfish pursuit. It doesn’t make him a better husband, co-worker or friend. And it certainly doesn’t do anything for the betterment of society. To quote Joe: “It destroys any concept of community.” And here’s a really scary thought: when that male procreates, the cycle repeats.
What are the root causes for this false sense of masculinity? Part of it can be explained by the psychological condition known as normative male alexithymia: the inability to put emotions into words. According to psychologist Ronald Levant: “It is a predictable result of the male gender role socialization process. Specifically, it is the result of boys being socialized to restrict the expression of their vulnerable and caring/connection emotions and to be emotionally stoic.” When a boy is told: “Man up, boys don’t cry” or ridiculed for expressing emotions, as if emotions are a “sissy thing” and therefore shameful, he quickly gets the message: hide it, swallow it, don’t ever let it out.
For those of you doubting the validity of this issue, listen to Joe recount the time his father slapped him around for crying: “...All I wanted my father to do was walk into my life, embrace me, look me in the eye, and tell me that he loved me. But when he gave me this message - that I wasn't man enough yet because of the emotions and tears - he shamed me. I had this concept that whatever the stuff was that makes up men, somehow God had put all this feminine emotion in me and that made me defective. And I think for young boys, if they feel they don't have the right stuff, they learn to live with the right bluff.” That shame dictated the rest of Joe’s adolescence and early adult life. “For me, football became a life-and-death issue of trying to validate my masculinity. I felt I validated myself as a man every time I knocked you on your back.”
Where that leaves men is isolated and alone, always hiding their inner person, hiding their inner emotions. In doing so, they are unable to connect with anyone, in many instances, not even their wives. The typical male over the age of thirty-five has what psychologists would say is less than one genuine friend with whom he can reveal his true self and share his deepest, most intimate thoughts. More from Joe: “False masculinity has no relational piece to it. All I can present to you is my façade. Here’s what my external masculinity looks like. I’ll let you interface with this façade. But my biggest fear is that if you ever walk around this façade, if I ever let you past my athletic accomplishments, past my sexual feats, past my economic successes, I’ll let you see my shamed self. My sense is that you’ll recognize me for who and what I really am…and you’ll walk away. So therefore I’m not letting you in.”
It is this crisis that prevents boys and men from developing meaningful relationships, a founding principle posed by Joe as what should be the true definition of a man.
So why is the title of this article “Teaching Boys How To Be Men”? Because as a man it is probably the most impactful feat you can accomplish in your life. According to Joe: “If you want to send a boy into the world with a sense of masculinity based on the importance of relationships, being a man built for others rather than a man living for himself, then you need to be there for him as a model and as a teacher.” Because left to their own devices, boys will begin the practice of comparing and competing and form their own misguided sense of what it means to be a man.
In order to model and teach, it might help to put forth a definition of what it means to be a man. From here on, the definition is a merged version of Jeff’s, Joe’s and this author’s and therefore subject to discussion, which is actually a good thing as it encourages men to share thoughts and ideas with others.
First, to “be a man” should begin with the ability to establish meaningful relationships. The operative word being meaningful where he is comfortable to express his thoughts and feelings. This fosters the trust and teamwork necessary from other adults to serve the community.
Secondly, to take on the mindset that he is built to help others. There is a reason he has a mind and a heart so as to empathize with another person’s plight. Joe elaborates: “Empathy is the number-one criterion for humanity. When you have empathy, when you can understand the amount of suffering in this world, the pain that so many people are living in, and the causes of all that pain, then you can have a cause beyond yourself.” It is not coincidence that a man is blessed with muscles, speed, strength, and agility. All these qualities perfectly equip him to serve the community.
Supporting the above main pillars is a code of conduct. A man demonstrates the following behaviors:
•he is Honest
•he has a high sense of Integrity
•he accepts Responsibility
•he Leads courageously
•he enacts Justice on behalf of others
•he shows Humility recognizing that he is part of a bigger concept
•he treats others with Respect
How is all of this taught to a boy? The methods are many. By starting when the boy is young to nurture open discussion. By creating a construct to connect with boys and teach them. At bedtime stories or on a fishing trip or volunteering to be a coach/group leader. By affirming him when he exhibits desired behavior in any of the concepts. Take the time to explain in detail what the concepts mean. Yes, you actually have to spell it out and say the words. For example, to accept responsibility means to do his homework, finish his chores, be on time, own up to his actions. It is taught by never shaming him. By being disciplined yourself to NOT blow-up at his mistakes and help him turn them into learning opportunities. By leading by example. When you see injustice in the boy’s presence, act and then explain your actions to him. A masculine man uses his speed, strength and agility to help people in need, not intimidate or harm them. You teach him that being a man means treating his girl with respect. You teach him by loving him.
The product of all this effort will be a well-adjusted responsible individual that can stand on his own two feet, ready to be a positive force in society. As Jeff and Joe make the distinction: He won’t just go forth into the world, he will be sent.
Now that you have been made aware and educated on the subject, BE A MAN and teach boys how to become men.
¹Marx, Jeffrey, Season of Life. New York: Simon & Schuster ©2003. ISBN 0-7432-6974-8
Season of Life is available at Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Season-Life-Foo...
DASH: http://www.datingabusestopshere.com/
Attention men, this article is for you.
When a man gets a woman pregnant and then disappears, he defaults on his responsibility to that woman and child. When he refuses to find work and abuses welfare, he puts stress on society to carry him. When a boy exhibits threatening behavior toward his girlfriend, he perverts his given talents of strength and power. When a CEO fails to properly care for his employees, he fails as a leader. When a father shames his son by saying: “Boys don’t cry, don’t be such a sissy. Be a man and suck it up,” all he effectively creates is a confused and humiliated boy that will eventually grow into a dysfunctional man.
By themselves, these are troubling things. Yet all are symptoms of a far more serious issue. One that is somewhat recognized, but blatantly ignored by society. In the book Season of Life, Jeffrey Marx and former pro-football star, Joe Erhmann, cut right to the root cause of this crisis: “The single biggest failure of our society: We simply do not do a good enough job of teaching boys how to be men.” ¹
Joe was a bruising defensive lineman in the NFL for thirteen years. After his career was over, he didn’t follow the same path as many other gridiron heroes. He is now an ordained minister. What influenced Joe to make such a radical life change? It was the loss of his younger brother, Billy, who died of cancer. “I was devastated by the reality of losing the person that I loved the most in this entire world,” Joe says. “…and that all the things that I had invested my life in really couldn’t help him one bit.” Joe’s awakening of how his life to that point lacked meaning is paraphrased here: “I had expectations that football would help me find purpose… but all I found was confusion… what happened to me, I think it happens to a lot of professional athletes: You start losing perspective. You’ve climbed the ladder of success, and when you get up there, you realize the ladder was leaning on the wrong building.” Joe realized he had been pursuing worthless goals his entire life - so he set out to find out why and where it all started. It led him all the way back to childhood.
The search for answers led Joe to the discovery of a problem he terms: “false masculinity,” a falsehood that starts at a very young age. He contends that, in our culture, all boys are given a three-fold criteria for what it means be a man: athletic ability, sexual conquest and economic success. “I think those are a lie, and lead to tremendous dysfunction both in marriages and relationships, and the societal problems of America.”
Athletic ability. On a grade school playground, who does a boy meet? Other boys. What happens? They compare their ability and compete. Who is the fastest, the strongest, the toughest. Physical and athletic ability quickly becomes a standard by which boys measure their relative worth. Those that excel are seen as a bit more masculine. The boys that cannot do those things are deflated.
Sexual conquest. As boys reach puberty, it becomes a competition for female attention. Assisted by imagery in society, sex (misguidedly) validates a boy’s maturation and masculinity. Joe explains: “Boys who can bring girls around, who can manipulate and use girls for their own egos, for their own gratification, those boys are pointed to as what it means to be a man.” And it’s a shameful thing for any boy that’s not “getting any action”. It’s also where the double standard for girls starts. What a dysfunctional and damaging message to send to our impressionable youth.
Economic success. As adults, men compete for job titles, size of house, man toys, bank accounts, trophy wives. “Somehow it all gets tied to these concepts of power and possessions. And those that have the most are deemed in America as being real men,” says Joe.
The trouble with all of the above is the focus is on the man and his selfish pursuit. It doesn’t make him a better husband, co-worker or friend. And it certainly doesn’t do anything for the betterment of society. To quote Joe: “It destroys any concept of community.” And here’s a really scary thought: when that male procreates, the cycle repeats.
What are the root causes for this false sense of masculinity? Part of it can be explained by the psychological condition known as normative male alexithymia: the inability to put emotions into words. According to psychologist Ronald Levant: “It is a predictable result of the male gender role socialization process. Specifically, it is the result of boys being socialized to restrict the expression of their vulnerable and caring/connection emotions and to be emotionally stoic.” When a boy is told: “Man up, boys don’t cry” or ridiculed for expressing emotions, as if emotions are a “sissy thing” and therefore shameful, he quickly gets the message: hide it, swallow it, don’t ever let it out.
For those of you doubting the validity of this issue, listen to Joe recount the time his father slapped him around for crying: “...All I wanted my father to do was walk into my life, embrace me, look me in the eye, and tell me that he loved me. But when he gave me this message - that I wasn't man enough yet because of the emotions and tears - he shamed me. I had this concept that whatever the stuff was that makes up men, somehow God had put all this feminine emotion in me and that made me defective. And I think for young boys, if they feel they don't have the right stuff, they learn to live with the right bluff.” That shame dictated the rest of Joe’s adolescence and early adult life. “For me, football became a life-and-death issue of trying to validate my masculinity. I felt I validated myself as a man every time I knocked you on your back.”
Where that leaves men is isolated and alone, always hiding their inner person, hiding their inner emotions. In doing so, they are unable to connect with anyone, in many instances, not even their wives. The typical male over the age of thirty-five has what psychologists would say is less than one genuine friend with whom he can reveal his true self and share his deepest, most intimate thoughts. More from Joe: “False masculinity has no relational piece to it. All I can present to you is my façade. Here’s what my external masculinity looks like. I’ll let you interface with this façade. But my biggest fear is that if you ever walk around this façade, if I ever let you past my athletic accomplishments, past my sexual feats, past my economic successes, I’ll let you see my shamed self. My sense is that you’ll recognize me for who and what I really am…and you’ll walk away. So therefore I’m not letting you in.”
It is this crisis that prevents boys and men from developing meaningful relationships, a founding principle posed by Joe as what should be the true definition of a man.
So why is the title of this article “Teaching Boys How To Be Men”? Because as a man it is probably the most impactful feat you can accomplish in your life. According to Joe: “If you want to send a boy into the world with a sense of masculinity based on the importance of relationships, being a man built for others rather than a man living for himself, then you need to be there for him as a model and as a teacher.” Because left to their own devices, boys will begin the practice of comparing and competing and form their own misguided sense of what it means to be a man.
In order to model and teach, it might help to put forth a definition of what it means to be a man. From here on, the definition is a merged version of Jeff’s, Joe’s and this author’s and therefore subject to discussion, which is actually a good thing as it encourages men to share thoughts and ideas with others.
First, to “be a man” should begin with the ability to establish meaningful relationships. The operative word being meaningful where he is comfortable to express his thoughts and feelings. This fosters the trust and teamwork necessary from other adults to serve the community.
Secondly, to take on the mindset that he is built to help others. There is a reason he has a mind and a heart so as to empathize with another person’s plight. Joe elaborates: “Empathy is the number-one criterion for humanity. When you have empathy, when you can understand the amount of suffering in this world, the pain that so many people are living in, and the causes of all that pain, then you can have a cause beyond yourself.” It is not coincidence that a man is blessed with muscles, speed, strength, and agility. All these qualities perfectly equip him to serve the community.
Supporting the above main pillars is a code of conduct. A man demonstrates the following behaviors:
•he is Honest
•he has a high sense of Integrity
•he accepts Responsibility
•he Leads courageously
•he enacts Justice on behalf of others
•he shows Humility recognizing that he is part of a bigger concept
•he treats others with Respect
How is all of this taught to a boy? The methods are many. By starting when the boy is young to nurture open discussion. By creating a construct to connect with boys and teach them. At bedtime stories or on a fishing trip or volunteering to be a coach/group leader. By affirming him when he exhibits desired behavior in any of the concepts. Take the time to explain in detail what the concepts mean. Yes, you actually have to spell it out and say the words. For example, to accept responsibility means to do his homework, finish his chores, be on time, own up to his actions. It is taught by never shaming him. By being disciplined yourself to NOT blow-up at his mistakes and help him turn them into learning opportunities. By leading by example. When you see injustice in the boy’s presence, act and then explain your actions to him. A masculine man uses his speed, strength and agility to help people in need, not intimidate or harm them. You teach him that being a man means treating his girl with respect. You teach him by loving him.
The product of all this effort will be a well-adjusted responsible individual that can stand on his own two feet, ready to be a positive force in society. As Jeff and Joe make the distinction: He won’t just go forth into the world, he will be sent.
Now that you have been made aware and educated on the subject, BE A MAN and teach boys how to become men.
¹Marx, Jeffrey, Season of Life. New York: Simon & Schuster ©2003. ISBN 0-7432-6974-8
Season of Life is available at Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Season-Life-Foo...
DASH: http://www.datingabusestopshere.com/
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Sue
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Jan 11, 2014 08:14AM
Great, well thought-out article John.
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Well done, John. Really well done. Couldn't agree more with everything said here. This article should go viral. Probably won't, though, because it doesn't have a cat involved. Make a video of a cat reading this article aloud, then you'd have something people will pay attention to. ;-)
