What We Can Control

“The words that they say sound passive, but seem aggressive. I feel like there should be a term for that, like, “nicey meany.”

@2ndeve

April and donna’s friendship though #parksandrecreation #aprilparksandrec #donna #andy #parksandrecedit #parksandrec

♬ Backsound Islami Dan Sedih – Faid rafanda

I used to be my ward’s Funeral Caterer, I mean Compassion Service Coordinator. My Stake’s average age is in its 60’s, so even with my kids’ and my neighbor’s kids ages bringing those numbers down a little, my neighborhood is aging out. 

One crisp cool morning, while I was putting out table settings, pitchers of water, salt shakers, and cubes of butter for each table; I was talking to one of the Relief Society Counselors. We were chatting in the kitchen, where a closed wood shutter could open up into the R.S. room where the grieving family and close friends were having “family prayer” before the funeral service started.

This counselor’s husband came into the kitchen carrying an empty roaster oven. He spoke to us in a snarled whisper, “They are praying in the next room!” I then responded in a softer tone than I was previously speaking, “Oh, I apologize.” To which the husband, the ward’s 70-ish year old Elders Quorum President, slammed the roaster oven onto the counter, making a big ruckus.

“Well, that was loud,”

We made eye contact.

“Yah!” he said and walked off. 

I stood there bemused. I have had passive aggressive interactions with p l e n t y of women, less so men. Why did he need to be angry? If being quiet was really a concern of his, why did he slam the roaster oven on the counter?

I imagined it was because he was not in control of us and how I responded was not humble enough to garner the respect he wanted. I had made him feel stupid and he needed to regain his assumed power by asserting himself, ironically with more noise than me.

Now, I am a recovering passive “aggressor”. I struggle now and then with using this tactic, but have done so without realizing it fully. Luckily (wink, wink) my husband is good at telling me that I pulled that ugly tool out of my belt and needed to pick a new one. 

Pasting my sin to my chest.

For example: My husband and oldest daughter were enjoying a show. I didn’t want to watch this show and felt left out that these two were having a good time without me. I came in and commented, “looks like you two don’t want to watch a show with me…” (immature, I know, I’m being vulnerable here). My husband immediately called out what I was doing, “I won’t engage when you talk that way.”

Crap.

I did not want to communicate that way. I created a *narrative that they didn’t want to hang out with me, that wasn’t true, and I voiced it.

“I’d love to be with you two, but I’d rather watch a different show, are you two up for that?”

Better.

I manufactured being left out in order to get my family to do what I wanted in the first attempt at communication. It sounds awful writing it out for all to read, but it’s the truth.

Passive aggressive words are angry words. “Anger is a tool that can be taken out as needed. It can be taken out and put away as needed.”1

Ever experience a parent yelling at you as a kid, then answer the phone in the nicest voice? If you didn’t, then you likely had emotionally mature people raise you. This is our incredible ability as humans to control our emotions (to be clear, this type of anger mentioned here is not passive).

I run every week with a friend and as we run we try to solve all sorts of world problems. The latest problem on the docket was the passive aggressive communication going on in the PTA.

“This way of expressing oneself does not happen as often in societies that are community based and more so in individualist societies like the U.S.” My friend said.

This friend grew up in Columbia.

“If a person were to speak rudely to another, the group would pressure the aggressor to change.”

I wondered out loud if women in Western/Mormon culture were more prone to passive aggressive behavior because they perhaps, were full of resentment. It was a way to gain control or manipulate, albeit an unhealthy mode to go through life. 

My friend commented that she believed it was further back into European Culture. She also commented that it had made understanding English that much harder. She wasn’t aware of the subtle rude intentions behind the politely worded remarks.

Many factors I am sure play an influence and I am curious if our condensed Euro decent, Mormon culture in the west (although an internet search will point out that this behavior occurs all over the US and England) really does swim in this mode of communication more than other areas in the U.S. and other parts of the world. (Not of white Euro decent? See the end of this article for something more relatable).

But one thing is clear. It is ineffective at building productive and enjoyable relationships.

There is a book that has given me very clear insight into my own behavior, The Courage to be Disliked. It is the psychology of Alfred Adler expressed by authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

Trying to control everything/one around you will ruin any real relationship/progress. Controlling how you show up in the world and understanding what you really want your end goal to be, will help you see that others are not your enemy or competition, but fellow journey-persons in this life.

I know that I have been told, as a woman in our faith, enough times in my life that I am responsible for my kids salvation based on what I teach them, or my successful marital relationship is based on my temple attendance and adherence to all “blessing predicated on …[fill in the blank]” to know that I was fully enmeshed. 

Enmeshed in my faith and relationships.

This can lead to mother’s feeling like failures when kids or spouses leave the church, don’t pick the career path they want, or don’t support their ideas.  It may explain the volatile reactions members sometimes give those who leave the church. Just read comments active members leave on social media posts of those who’ve left or are critical of the church…or vice versa.

To be clear, I am not speaking on passive aggression when speaking of enmeshment, but it’s a handy tool used when one is enmeshed. 

Having a faith expansion gave me massive insight to the ways I was enmeshed and using passive aggressive ways to communicate my desires. I was underdeveloped emotionally because I was securely attached to the church and what it was telling me to think and say.

I did not see this or feel this before my faith expansion. I am not saying people/ women who have very traditional views in the church and theology are not capable of mature thoughts and capable of not being enmeshed in their relationships. However, I have interacted with enough Mormons to know that many of us are-no matter the country you grew up in.

I was talking to a friend during an event at our kid’s school. She had mentioned that she wanted to do some more visible service projects for her oldest daughter to see, in order to help push her toward serving a mission. “We could really use the blessings.”

This is wanting to control another’s actions in a passive way in order to get what is wanted. This is expecting the actions of your child to bring you those blessings. This is enmeshment.

This may also be why when you ask certain members of the church how one of their adult children is doing, may respond with, “Oh they married in the temple”, or “oh, they are not active.” Their adult children’s actions, somehow, are actually a part of who they are.

There have been some very influential Prophetesses that have helped me emotionally mature and learn to control only one person, myself. 

I highly recommend Jennifer Finlayson Fife’s courses-most particularly the men’s course for men (My husband says it changed his life, but I watched it and found it helpful too!) and her relationship courses. I have also taken courses from Valerie Hammaker with Julie Hanks as well as Valerie’s on her Latter Day Struggles website. All of these women’s podcasts have helped me remap my brain and approach life in a much healthier way than I was ever taught growing up.

But what if you are not white, not from European decent and these examples don’t quite hit the mark for you?

I realize my experience is not relatable to everyone and reached out to a trusted friend who has a more diverse background than I. They are also currently studying in the mental health field. They sent me a recommend link that may be helpful for those needing to deal with the trials, frustrations, and trauma that comes from the dominating culture and race.

Racial Trauma, Clinical strategies and techniques For Healing Invisible Wounds, Kenneth V. Hardy PHD

We all struggle with different emotional wounds, brought on by parents, institutions, a countries deep seeded oppression and racism, I don’t know…you name it, something has affected each of us in a way that has created a real mental and perhaps emotional challenge that affects our relationships and how we interact with others.

The key is to not let that challenge be self fulfilling or a destiny predictor.

We get to decide who to be and how we want to show up in the world. The power to control and change/heal ourselves is within. It is what we can control.

*If you have a great source that has helped you be your better self, please note them in your comment*

Do you have experiences that you don’t see represented here? The Exponent blog welcomes guest submissions. Learn more about our post guidelines and the submission form on our guest post submission page.

The Courage to Be Disliked , Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga ︎