It's Not What It Seems
Ever experienced a deep, intense longing for something-- a longing that fills up your very soul? Maybe it's to (finally) meet that "special" person and get married. Maybe it's to have a child. Maybe it's have a house that actually feels like a home. That career advancement. Or any dream that is still just out of reach-- whether by a hair or by miles.
I have experienced this, many times-- in different ways, over different things. And the longer the wait, the more painful the longing can become. In such moments, I'm amazed at how easily the deadly sin of comparison sneaks in, quietly settling into my thoughts. Maybe it's the happy news I just heard from a friend. Maybe it's scrolling through social media, and seeing all the glowing smiles from photos, posted alongside someone's latest highlight reel. And the temptation is to give place to envy-- perhaps, even bitter jealousy-- especially when I am comparing other's "have's" to my own "have-not's". When I start thinking about all of the times that I prayed so fervently... only to see someone else receive the blessing that I was tearfully beseeching God for. In such moments, it doesn't just seem like Life is unfair. It can start to seem that even God is unfair (or at least that He has favorites). And I find myself asking,
"Why? Why did You bless them, but not me? Don't You see my tears?... Don't You care at all?"
...But.. if I can manage to take a step back from the surging sea of emotions tumbling over me, I begin to notice other things... things which I am (regretfully) guilty of taking for-granted... Things that I have, which someone else out there might be desperately wishing and praying for-- perhaps, even the person I just secretly envied. Because the hard truth is, just as others have received blessings that I desire, I also have received blessings that are in someone else's whispered, heartfelt prayers.
None of us are only in one category or the other-- none of us are only ever "the Lucky Ones", and none of us are only ever the Unlucky, the Unseen, and the Unpicked. Take a look at each of the (very real) scenarios listed below:
A shy, lonely woman at Church sees another woman seemingly effortlessly engaged in conversation and smiling with others, and feels the sting of envy over how confident the other woman appears, and the way that she so easily chats with others. The first woman might even find herself making the bitter comparison, "She doesn't come over and talk to me like that. Guess I'm not popular enough and she just doesn't like me." Later on, she sees the "social butterfly" smiling and greeting people at Church. But she dismisses her as superficial, and irritably hurries past her. What she doesn't know, is that the other woman is secretly struggling just to show up while privately going through a season of deep personal pain. Like her, the other woman also feels alone, surrounded by a milling crowd of people who don't really know her. She just tries hard not to show it, and to "fake it till she makes it".
The young woman with the buoyant smile full of cheerful enthusiasm is caring for her mother in declining health, after burying her father. On the surface, nothing appears to phase her, and few know what it cost her to become so strong while still choosing to keep a tender, trusting heart that isn't poisoned by bitterness, cynicism and doubt.
A single woman sees photos on social media of her married friend enjoying (yet another) romantic date with her husband, and feels a twinge of envy that she herself hasn't had so much as a date in years... What she doesn't know, is that the married woman and her husband have been struggling for a long time, and every day has been a battle. They might have even argued on their way to the venue. They are literally doing everything they can to try and breathe life and romance back into their marriage, and to keep the ship from sinking. And there are moments when her married friend secretly envies her for the freedom she still has in choosing a life-partner.
The childless married couple see the young woman who got pregnant out of wedlock, and wonder why God permitted that much desired blessing to go to someone so immature, irresponsible, and lacking in godliness and years, when they themselves have been trying and praying for years... What they don't know, is how much the unwed single mother envies their stable, loving relationship, hoping and praying that some day, she too will be so similarly blessed... They also don't know that her road ahead will include years and years that will be long, hard, lonely, and acutely painful at times... and there will be moments when that precious child born out of wedlock will be the only thing that keeps her going and helps her make it through another day.
The married couple with children and financial struggles see their childless friends going on vacation... again. And the wife feels the sting of envy. They never even had a honeymoon, and she always dreamed of traveling. Now, it seems as if her friend is living the life that she wanted (if only in part). But that same childless couple would give anything to be able to have children of their own, even if it meant trading in their cards as globe-trotters, and adapting to the financial stresses that accompany raising a family.
Another couple with only one child envy the couple with many, while forgetting that there are those who would be thrilled and content with only the one.
A husband or wife is embittered against the faults, idiosyncrasies, or weight-gain of the other, and forgets that there are many individuals out there who would love to have their spouse (or any spouse at all)--worts, irritating habits and all. So they continue on with the harping, barbed comments, condescension and emotional withdrawal until their spouse becomes too discouraged to continue on any more, and a hungry by-stander on the side plucks them up out of their long-standing misery.
A middle-aged home-maker with many children sees her friend having her dream house built on a lovely piece of property. Meanwhile, her living space is cramped and squalid, while her own husband is working hard to provide for their large family and complete their own home renovations, which is taking YEARS... What she doesn't know is that in just a few short years down the road, the friend with the perfect home will develop cancer and eventually die, without hardly getting time to enjoy her beautiful home, along with her family.
A woman who has struggled with weight issues, poor body image and insecurities feels envy towards her younger, more attractive (and skinnier) friend. She doesn't know that her friend is no more "lucky in love" than she is, nor that her "skinniness" is the result of stomach issues stemming from acute traumas she has suffered. The "fluffier" woman also doesn't know that "Barbie" will end up having plenty more of heartbreak and love lost, before all is said and done. Because in the end (and contrary to the popular myths we all tend to believe), happiness and fulfillment in life has little to do with looks.
A tall, hunky college pastor and his super-model wife frequently turn heads everywhere they go, and are the secret envy of many all around them. But what no one can foresee, is that after a decade of marriage the young pastor will succumb to pornography and sex addictions, and abandon his beautiful wife and children to heartbreak and financial losses. After a few more years of struggle, she will die of cancer by the time she is in her mid 30's, leaving behind her grieving children and new husband.
A married couple share their love-story, that reads like a Hallmark movie to everyone else around them... What they omitted were the long, painful chapters of their marriage that were filled with fighting, selfishness, emotional separateness and isolation, financial struggle, unfulfilled dreams, addiction, and infidelity-- from which they are now trying to heal and make the best of the broken pieces that are left. No matter how good it may look on the outside, no one ever has a perfect love-story that is completely free from pain. Every single one of us are sinners, and the people we marry are sinners too (shocker).
A woman who is struggling through the pain, trauma, and bitter torment of her husband's betrayal struggles through the long months and years that it will take to repair both the broken trust and the mangled relationship. Some days, she's not sure if she can make it. Meanwhile, a friend of hers is going through the same pain-- but she is going through it alone, because her husband chose to leave her. And she would give anything to be able to have him and his love back, even with all the ugly baggage attached.
A hurting, angry woman fires off an accusing, wounding message to her Pastor's wife, calling her fake and uncaring for not being there for her. What she doesn't know, is that that Pastor's wife is dealing with pain of her own, related to her marriage, her children, and external pressures surrounding her. She is trying hard to stay afloat and handle life as best as she can, and doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to handle one more need or problem.
A pastor with a powerful anointing and a thriving, packed Church becomes the envy of other ministry leaders, who have been trying to attract Church growth for years. But every Sunday morning is a battle for him, as he gets sick to his stomach before preaching. His anointing stems from his brokenness--a brokenness few would envy--and learning what it is to live with a thorn in the flesh, and accepting the fact that God's grace is enough.
A woman confides the hurts and abuses of her marriage to a male acquaintance, who is himself married. He attentively listens to her and offers good advice. She starts to become reliant upon his emotional support. She also starts to look down upon his wife, who doesn't seem to properly appreciate his finer qualities, and starts to fantasize about taking her place in his affections. What she doesn't realize is that the kind man she is pouring her heart out to is not necessarily emotionally present for his wife. Worse, there may have been severe abuses within the relationship, which attribute to the wife's lack of "appreciation". And in the same way that he listens attentively to her, he also listens to other women-- and the grateful validation he receives from all of them serves to bolster his self-assurance that his marital problems really are just his wife's fault. It's easy to appear as a paragon of love and wisdom for people who don't actually know who we really are behind closed doors, nor how difficult we might be to live with. If the other woman knew the other side of the story, she would feel very foolish indeed for her misguided attraction and admiration of the married man she has been dwelling on. She might even feel sorry for the wife, and quickly come to realize how good her own "flawed" marriage is in comparison.
A tired out woman feels frustration over her continued struggles to achieve a dream career she has striven hard over throughout the years-- one that would finally launch her into financial freedom. Another woman of her acquaintance is dealing with similar setbacks and dreams put on hold, only for different reasons: their bank account is being drained for her child's cancer treatments, and the outlook is grim. She can't even remember what it is to dream anymore. All that she cares about and wants in all the world is for her child to be well and live. She would readily embrace the frustrations and financial difficulties of the other woman, even count it a sheer joy--if she could just see her child healthy, running, and laughing again.
A generous, kind, hard-working older couple with a successful business live in a custom-built home that is the envy of all their friends. What few know about are the years of scrimping, saving, and depravation that they went through together, in which they learned to be content with little, trust in the LORD, act with integrity and be faithful in the small things.
A well respected, faithful woman in ministry is envied for the anointing she has and the notoriety and attention she receives. Other women envy her strength, courage, and fortitude-- yet not everyone knows of all the pain that she has had to endure, after she buried a child or husband, or watched her husband or child succumb to an addiction and leave the faith. Few know of the excruciating nights of her soul when she found herself groping about in the dark with her own unanswered questions, and that the reason why she learned to become strong in the LORD was because she came to a place where God was all that she had. Of all of those who might envy her, very few would be willing to trade places with her, nor to walk the lonely, pain-filled path that she has had to walk.
The scenarios I've listed above are ones are not hypotheticals-- they are very real. Snippets cut from the fabric of my life, and the lives of others whom I have known. The reality of life, is that no one has it easy. No one. It's easy to see the blessings and accomplishments of others through rose-colored glasses, if we have never glimpsed more closely at their sorrows. It's easy to see only a sunny garden of flowers, but not the tombstones that are hidden there. And it's easy to see the (seeming) carefree smiles of others, and mistakenly believe that such individuals (whether singles, couples, or families) truly are without a care. And just like that, we begin erecting walls of division that fuel our own self-pity, as we believe that, not only are we all alone in our suffering, but that perhaps we even have it worse than others.
Deuteronomy 29:29 says, “The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things which are revealed and disclosed belong to us and to our children forever, so that we may do all of the words of this law."
In life, there will always be unanswered questions. And the deadly, ugly sin of envious Comparison will never be helpful, nor assist us with finding answers. Yet, if we are not careful, we can allow it to blind us with its illusions and mirages.
After Jesus Christ returned to His Disciples as the resurrected LORD, He told Peter that he would have to suffer for him. Ironically, Peter's very first response was to look at John, and demand of Jesus:
"But what about him?" In other words, "LORD, if You are going to allow me to suffer, are You going to let him get off easy? Are You going to play favorites, and is he going to be blessed while I have it hard?"
Jesus responded by politely (but flatly) instructing Peter to mind his own business and simply follow Him (see John 21:18-22). Peter did end up suffering greatly for Christ, and his life ended in martyrdom. What he could not have known was that John's chosen lot of suffering would be even worse. Thankfully, Peter made the choice to surrender to Christ's Lordship and did not allow unanswered questions, jealousy, and comparison to derail him in his own calling and ministry.
When Martha got caught up in comparing herself with her sister, Mary, Jesus gave her this gentle admonition:
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord replied, “you are worried and upset about many things. But only one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, and it will not be taken away from her.”
(--Luke 10:41)
The next time I feel tempted to look at someone else who appears to be doing well and mistakenly think that their life is all sunshine and roses, I pray that God would give me the grace to refrain from the bitter, ugly sin of comparison. Things are rarely as wonderful as they seem. Nor will dark nights remain forever. How God chooses to act and bless in the life of another is none of my business. What is my business is seeking out what God Himself would reveal to me regarding His will and purposes, in the midst of my pain and struggles. That is my portion, which will not be taken away from me. That is where I find sacred intimacy and holy communion with my Savior. And the things that He teaches me in the midst of suffering--or in times of blessing-- these are the legacy that I am meant to pass on; these are the things that will not be taken away from me, and which belong to me and to my children after me, forever-- passed down from generation to generation: Lessons of how the Sacred meets with pain in the midst of the mundane, in a gently woven tapestry of Grace.
--C.A. CLARK
Copyright (c)
I have experienced this, many times-- in different ways, over different things. And the longer the wait, the more painful the longing can become. In such moments, I'm amazed at how easily the deadly sin of comparison sneaks in, quietly settling into my thoughts. Maybe it's the happy news I just heard from a friend. Maybe it's scrolling through social media, and seeing all the glowing smiles from photos, posted alongside someone's latest highlight reel. And the temptation is to give place to envy-- perhaps, even bitter jealousy-- especially when I am comparing other's "have's" to my own "have-not's". When I start thinking about all of the times that I prayed so fervently... only to see someone else receive the blessing that I was tearfully beseeching God for. In such moments, it doesn't just seem like Life is unfair. It can start to seem that even God is unfair (or at least that He has favorites). And I find myself asking,
"Why? Why did You bless them, but not me? Don't You see my tears?... Don't You care at all?"
...But.. if I can manage to take a step back from the surging sea of emotions tumbling over me, I begin to notice other things... things which I am (regretfully) guilty of taking for-granted... Things that I have, which someone else out there might be desperately wishing and praying for-- perhaps, even the person I just secretly envied. Because the hard truth is, just as others have received blessings that I desire, I also have received blessings that are in someone else's whispered, heartfelt prayers.
None of us are only in one category or the other-- none of us are only ever "the Lucky Ones", and none of us are only ever the Unlucky, the Unseen, and the Unpicked. Take a look at each of the (very real) scenarios listed below:
A shy, lonely woman at Church sees another woman seemingly effortlessly engaged in conversation and smiling with others, and feels the sting of envy over how confident the other woman appears, and the way that she so easily chats with others. The first woman might even find herself making the bitter comparison, "She doesn't come over and talk to me like that. Guess I'm not popular enough and she just doesn't like me." Later on, she sees the "social butterfly" smiling and greeting people at Church. But she dismisses her as superficial, and irritably hurries past her. What she doesn't know, is that the other woman is secretly struggling just to show up while privately going through a season of deep personal pain. Like her, the other woman also feels alone, surrounded by a milling crowd of people who don't really know her. She just tries hard not to show it, and to "fake it till she makes it".
The young woman with the buoyant smile full of cheerful enthusiasm is caring for her mother in declining health, after burying her father. On the surface, nothing appears to phase her, and few know what it cost her to become so strong while still choosing to keep a tender, trusting heart that isn't poisoned by bitterness, cynicism and doubt.
A single woman sees photos on social media of her married friend enjoying (yet another) romantic date with her husband, and feels a twinge of envy that she herself hasn't had so much as a date in years... What she doesn't know, is that the married woman and her husband have been struggling for a long time, and every day has been a battle. They might have even argued on their way to the venue. They are literally doing everything they can to try and breathe life and romance back into their marriage, and to keep the ship from sinking. And there are moments when her married friend secretly envies her for the freedom she still has in choosing a life-partner.
The childless married couple see the young woman who got pregnant out of wedlock, and wonder why God permitted that much desired blessing to go to someone so immature, irresponsible, and lacking in godliness and years, when they themselves have been trying and praying for years... What they don't know, is how much the unwed single mother envies their stable, loving relationship, hoping and praying that some day, she too will be so similarly blessed... They also don't know that her road ahead will include years and years that will be long, hard, lonely, and acutely painful at times... and there will be moments when that precious child born out of wedlock will be the only thing that keeps her going and helps her make it through another day.
The married couple with children and financial struggles see their childless friends going on vacation... again. And the wife feels the sting of envy. They never even had a honeymoon, and she always dreamed of traveling. Now, it seems as if her friend is living the life that she wanted (if only in part). But that same childless couple would give anything to be able to have children of their own, even if it meant trading in their cards as globe-trotters, and adapting to the financial stresses that accompany raising a family.
Another couple with only one child envy the couple with many, while forgetting that there are those who would be thrilled and content with only the one.
A husband or wife is embittered against the faults, idiosyncrasies, or weight-gain of the other, and forgets that there are many individuals out there who would love to have their spouse (or any spouse at all)--worts, irritating habits and all. So they continue on with the harping, barbed comments, condescension and emotional withdrawal until their spouse becomes too discouraged to continue on any more, and a hungry by-stander on the side plucks them up out of their long-standing misery.
A middle-aged home-maker with many children sees her friend having her dream house built on a lovely piece of property. Meanwhile, her living space is cramped and squalid, while her own husband is working hard to provide for their large family and complete their own home renovations, which is taking YEARS... What she doesn't know is that in just a few short years down the road, the friend with the perfect home will develop cancer and eventually die, without hardly getting time to enjoy her beautiful home, along with her family.
A woman who has struggled with weight issues, poor body image and insecurities feels envy towards her younger, more attractive (and skinnier) friend. She doesn't know that her friend is no more "lucky in love" than she is, nor that her "skinniness" is the result of stomach issues stemming from acute traumas she has suffered. The "fluffier" woman also doesn't know that "Barbie" will end up having plenty more of heartbreak and love lost, before all is said and done. Because in the end (and contrary to the popular myths we all tend to believe), happiness and fulfillment in life has little to do with looks.
A tall, hunky college pastor and his super-model wife frequently turn heads everywhere they go, and are the secret envy of many all around them. But what no one can foresee, is that after a decade of marriage the young pastor will succumb to pornography and sex addictions, and abandon his beautiful wife and children to heartbreak and financial losses. After a few more years of struggle, she will die of cancer by the time she is in her mid 30's, leaving behind her grieving children and new husband.
A married couple share their love-story, that reads like a Hallmark movie to everyone else around them... What they omitted were the long, painful chapters of their marriage that were filled with fighting, selfishness, emotional separateness and isolation, financial struggle, unfulfilled dreams, addiction, and infidelity-- from which they are now trying to heal and make the best of the broken pieces that are left. No matter how good it may look on the outside, no one ever has a perfect love-story that is completely free from pain. Every single one of us are sinners, and the people we marry are sinners too (shocker).
A woman who is struggling through the pain, trauma, and bitter torment of her husband's betrayal struggles through the long months and years that it will take to repair both the broken trust and the mangled relationship. Some days, she's not sure if she can make it. Meanwhile, a friend of hers is going through the same pain-- but she is going through it alone, because her husband chose to leave her. And she would give anything to be able to have him and his love back, even with all the ugly baggage attached.
A hurting, angry woman fires off an accusing, wounding message to her Pastor's wife, calling her fake and uncaring for not being there for her. What she doesn't know, is that that Pastor's wife is dealing with pain of her own, related to her marriage, her children, and external pressures surrounding her. She is trying hard to stay afloat and handle life as best as she can, and doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to handle one more need or problem.
A pastor with a powerful anointing and a thriving, packed Church becomes the envy of other ministry leaders, who have been trying to attract Church growth for years. But every Sunday morning is a battle for him, as he gets sick to his stomach before preaching. His anointing stems from his brokenness--a brokenness few would envy--and learning what it is to live with a thorn in the flesh, and accepting the fact that God's grace is enough.
A woman confides the hurts and abuses of her marriage to a male acquaintance, who is himself married. He attentively listens to her and offers good advice. She starts to become reliant upon his emotional support. She also starts to look down upon his wife, who doesn't seem to properly appreciate his finer qualities, and starts to fantasize about taking her place in his affections. What she doesn't realize is that the kind man she is pouring her heart out to is not necessarily emotionally present for his wife. Worse, there may have been severe abuses within the relationship, which attribute to the wife's lack of "appreciation". And in the same way that he listens attentively to her, he also listens to other women-- and the grateful validation he receives from all of them serves to bolster his self-assurance that his marital problems really are just his wife's fault. It's easy to appear as a paragon of love and wisdom for people who don't actually know who we really are behind closed doors, nor how difficult we might be to live with. If the other woman knew the other side of the story, she would feel very foolish indeed for her misguided attraction and admiration of the married man she has been dwelling on. She might even feel sorry for the wife, and quickly come to realize how good her own "flawed" marriage is in comparison.
A tired out woman feels frustration over her continued struggles to achieve a dream career she has striven hard over throughout the years-- one that would finally launch her into financial freedom. Another woman of her acquaintance is dealing with similar setbacks and dreams put on hold, only for different reasons: their bank account is being drained for her child's cancer treatments, and the outlook is grim. She can't even remember what it is to dream anymore. All that she cares about and wants in all the world is for her child to be well and live. She would readily embrace the frustrations and financial difficulties of the other woman, even count it a sheer joy--if she could just see her child healthy, running, and laughing again.
A generous, kind, hard-working older couple with a successful business live in a custom-built home that is the envy of all their friends. What few know about are the years of scrimping, saving, and depravation that they went through together, in which they learned to be content with little, trust in the LORD, act with integrity and be faithful in the small things.
A well respected, faithful woman in ministry is envied for the anointing she has and the notoriety and attention she receives. Other women envy her strength, courage, and fortitude-- yet not everyone knows of all the pain that she has had to endure, after she buried a child or husband, or watched her husband or child succumb to an addiction and leave the faith. Few know of the excruciating nights of her soul when she found herself groping about in the dark with her own unanswered questions, and that the reason why she learned to become strong in the LORD was because she came to a place where God was all that she had. Of all of those who might envy her, very few would be willing to trade places with her, nor to walk the lonely, pain-filled path that she has had to walk.
The scenarios I've listed above are ones are not hypotheticals-- they are very real. Snippets cut from the fabric of my life, and the lives of others whom I have known. The reality of life, is that no one has it easy. No one. It's easy to see the blessings and accomplishments of others through rose-colored glasses, if we have never glimpsed more closely at their sorrows. It's easy to see only a sunny garden of flowers, but not the tombstones that are hidden there. And it's easy to see the (seeming) carefree smiles of others, and mistakenly believe that such individuals (whether singles, couples, or families) truly are without a care. And just like that, we begin erecting walls of division that fuel our own self-pity, as we believe that, not only are we all alone in our suffering, but that perhaps we even have it worse than others.
Deuteronomy 29:29 says, “The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things which are revealed and disclosed belong to us and to our children forever, so that we may do all of the words of this law."
In life, there will always be unanswered questions. And the deadly, ugly sin of envious Comparison will never be helpful, nor assist us with finding answers. Yet, if we are not careful, we can allow it to blind us with its illusions and mirages.
After Jesus Christ returned to His Disciples as the resurrected LORD, He told Peter that he would have to suffer for him. Ironically, Peter's very first response was to look at John, and demand of Jesus:
"But what about him?" In other words, "LORD, if You are going to allow me to suffer, are You going to let him get off easy? Are You going to play favorites, and is he going to be blessed while I have it hard?"
Jesus responded by politely (but flatly) instructing Peter to mind his own business and simply follow Him (see John 21:18-22). Peter did end up suffering greatly for Christ, and his life ended in martyrdom. What he could not have known was that John's chosen lot of suffering would be even worse. Thankfully, Peter made the choice to surrender to Christ's Lordship and did not allow unanswered questions, jealousy, and comparison to derail him in his own calling and ministry.
When Martha got caught up in comparing herself with her sister, Mary, Jesus gave her this gentle admonition:
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord replied, “you are worried and upset about many things. But only one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, and it will not be taken away from her.”
(--Luke 10:41)
The next time I feel tempted to look at someone else who appears to be doing well and mistakenly think that their life is all sunshine and roses, I pray that God would give me the grace to refrain from the bitter, ugly sin of comparison. Things are rarely as wonderful as they seem. Nor will dark nights remain forever. How God chooses to act and bless in the life of another is none of my business. What is my business is seeking out what God Himself would reveal to me regarding His will and purposes, in the midst of my pain and struggles. That is my portion, which will not be taken away from me. That is where I find sacred intimacy and holy communion with my Savior. And the things that He teaches me in the midst of suffering--or in times of blessing-- these are the legacy that I am meant to pass on; these are the things that will not be taken away from me, and which belong to me and to my children after me, forever-- passed down from generation to generation: Lessons of how the Sacred meets with pain in the midst of the mundane, in a gently woven tapestry of Grace.
--C.A. CLARK
Copyright (c)
No comments have been added yet.
