Yet another weird ad for my novels
My phone lights up, split-screening the entire Joint Chiefs of Staff. Their four-star chairman barks, “Kent! Get Chuck Norris! We need him for a mission!”
“Goddammit,” I grumble, slipping my dick back into my boxers. “Was just about to start watching myfriendshotmom dot com.”
“You can bust a load after you’ve saved the world! Hell, maybe even while you’re in the middle of doing it! We pay you damn good money to keep on eye on his sanity—now get that karate-ape ready to go!”
“Fine, fine.” Douchebags.
I walk into my garage gym, where shirtless Chuck Norris is wailing away on the heavy bag, screaming, “Pussy! Commie! Pussy! Commie!” with each skull-crushing hit. He yanks off his pants and launches into a series of butt-naked curls, staring intently at himself in a full-length mirror.
“Kent! What can I do ya for? Have you come to learn some ancient karate?” (He pronounces it super American: kuh-RATTY). “Yer people taught me—I owe them the skin off my well-shaven balls!”
“Uh…I don’t think they want it.” I rub the back of my neck. “And for the hundredth time, I’m Korean-American. That has nothing to do with your martial arts backgrou—”
“Stop trynna confuse me with yer damn intellectual!” He does a few more curls, grunts in satisfaction, and drops the weights. CLUNK CLUNK. “Whaddaya want?” He turns around and puts his hands on his hips.
I shield my eyes from his old man scrotum. “You can put on some pants, for starters. Pentagon wants you on a short notice mission.”
“Hot diggity!” He runs over to the fridge, yanks out a beer, and chugs it so hard that the veins in his eyeballs quiver and bulge. “Aaaaah!” He yanks out a six-pack and runs into the house, dripping sweaty ass juice all over the floor. “Lemme rinse off! Nothing better than a six-pack a’ shower beers!”
“Riiiight.” I glance down at my phone. “He’s gonna take a shower.”
“Bird’s on the way,” the chairman says. “And tell him it’s time to put on his game face—he’s in for the fight of his motherfucking life.”
ONE HOUR LATER…
“I can’t see shit!” Chuck yells, leaning out from the helo skid. “Where the fuck is this goddamn threat?”
“I don’t know!” I yell back. “They just said get in the air and—”
“There!” He points to our right, directing my attention toward a bunch of women raising havoc in the suburb. Five are rocking a battered police car, a couple are feasting on desecrated bodies, while dozens run amuck through sidewalks and lawns. Smoke trails rise from burning houses, water jets from broken hydrants.
“Buncha middle-aged lady folk! Ain’t no match for my blue-jeaned roundhouse! Or my beautiful right fucking hook!” He flexes his no-sleeve bicep (the rest of him is clad in tight eighties denim) and gives it a big ol’ tongue-slopping kiss.
I tell him to wait, we should gather more info, but he jumps off the helo and screams, “EEEEEEHHHHHH-HOOOOOOOOO!!!” As soon as he hits the pavement below, he tucks, rolls, and surges up into an 80s martial arts stance—body bladed sideways, rear hand high and up by his collar, lead hand out and low for maximum cool points.
A second later, he’s swarmed by women. He throws his trademark devastating roundhouse, but to my jaw-dropping surprise, it has no effect. They quickly dogpile him and coat him in bodies.
“Kent!” He reaches up from the pile in sheer desperation. “This ain’t no bunch a’ regular women—they’re Karens, goddammit! Throw me your dick and pull me outta this shitshow! I know you’re packing a fuckload of heat—I been sneaking a peek while you’re passed out in bed!”
What the fuck? My brow wrinkles in consternation. I shake my head, forcibly restoring my composure and focus. The priority right now is saving his ass.
“Here you go!” I unwind my dick from around my thigh and throw it over the side of the helo. Just as quickly, it shrivels back up into a frightened little nub. Fuck, I should’ve known—girth and length have no power. Not if I’m near a cock-shriveling Karen.
No options left. So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I fire my re-expanded wiener from the hip, blasting out smeg, bdick (a mix of butt/dick), and gag-inducing cum at the horde of Karens. They twist and scream as their faces melt and their skin sloughs off and puddles on the ground. Our pilot swoops in, Chuck grabs a skid, then clambers aboard as I fire-hose the street.
“Mission accomplished!” Chuck gasps, clapping me on the shoulder. “Can I have a turn?” He glances at my piece and gives me a hopeful look.
“Nope.” I keep blasting away, gunning down the last of the stragglers.
He clears his throat. “Right. Uh…after we get back, you wanna do some naked bicep curls and maintain eye contact in a full-length mirror?”
“Definitely not.”
“Whatever,” he mutters. “Communist pussy.”
Kent Wayne wins again? I think?
Has Chuck been overwhelmed by murderous Karens? Never fear! Buy my books, summon the foulest secretions your body can muster, and fight off the horde while saving his ass!
Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback. Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! [image error][image error] [image error] #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing
