Why Should I Care About Polyamory?
I’ve had polyamory on the mind lately. And it’s not because all the buzz around the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives “soft swinging.” A few years ago, a close friend shared that they had opened up her marriage of twenty years. She was raised in the church and married in the temple. If she could go back and do it all over again, she would not have chosen monogamy from the start. But ethical nonmonogamy was of course never presented as a fork on the covenant path.
I have been struggling recently with regrets for a life that felt chosen for me. My track was the covenant path. Seminary. Temple. Mission. Marriage. Yes, I chose all of those things, but I wasn’t truly allowed an alternative path. The choices were presented: Obedience or spiritual death. Obedience or loss of belonging. Obedience or damnation.
Looking back, I would have chosen things differently. But I likely would have still chosen monogamous marriage. It works for me and in truth it’s something I choose to recommit myself to every day. But my choice for monogamy is no better than someone’s choice for non-monogamy or someone’s choice to remain single.
Learning more about polyamory has allowed me to examine the stereotypes and biases I hold, as well as think of sex, love and relationships in a more expansive way. I have had to parse out notions of what makes a relationship ethical. Coercion is wrong no matter what context it’s taking place in. Abuse is abuse and is never justified.
The multiamory podcast has been a fantastic resource for me to broaden how I think about relationships. They recently interviewed Brett Chamberlin, the director of OPEN – Out and Empowered: Protections and Visibility for non-monogamy. He talked about the importance of the laws that have been recently passed in Cambridge, MA and Oakland, CA.
“It is about liberating human connection from the social scripts that usually play out through mononormativity, but that there’s a range of other relationship structures and relational structures, not just in terms of romantic relationships, that are prioritized, right? So it’s about moving away from the society where we elevate the monogamous romantic relationship to the very top of the stack, and it’s about giving people more freedom across the board to pursue the types of family and relationship structures that are rewarding to them, whether that involve romance, intimacy, or just committed connection with a platonic life partner, and allowing all of those relationships to have equity.”
Laws recognizing or protecting polyamorous relationships have not been on the books long. In 2022 a case came before a New York State court. Several BYU professors declared the courts would destabilize marriage through the legalization of marital polyamory. Katie Rich wrote a wonderful response to this, pointing out the issues of consent and power imbalances in Mormonism’s own history.
Mormons may be triggered by the idea of polyamory precisely because of our history with polygamy and the unequal sealing practices that still exist today. I can also empathize with those who have been harmed by infidelity, this being a major factor in my parent’s divorce. I also know Mormons to be kind and thoughtful people.
I care deeply about my friend who opened her marriage and I’m grateful she felt comfortable sharing that part of her life with me. A 2021 study by the Kinsey Institute found one in nine people have been involved in a polyamorous relationship. The study also found that of people who were not personally interested in polyamory, only one in seven respected people engaged in the practice. Many people choose to remain closeted about their nonnormative relationships, fearing ramifications in their personal and professional lives. Openly talking about polyamory can make a difference in their lives.
Lux Alptraum points out, “Monogamous people (particularly heterosexual ones) often take for granted how much freedom they have to reveal even mundane aspects of their personal life without fear of repercussion or backlash; for poly people, being able to claim some of that freedom for themselves removes a tremendous burden.
And that, for many non-monogamy advocates, is the most important reason of all to come out. In the same way that queer visibility has helped change the public perception of same-sex relationships from “freaky sex thing” to just another way of being in love (and led to anti-discrimination laws, marriage equality, and the end of sodomy laws in the process), vocal non-monogamists hope that public education and visibility around their lifestyles will help reduce stigma, increase social acceptance, and potentially even lead to legal protections.”
One of the legal protections needed is custody rights. Misconceptions abound about polyamorous individuals and the effects of alternative relationship structures on children. If we truly care about families and children, let’s do the work to protect them and support healthy relationships no matter what form they take.
