When Gratitude Becomes Emotional Bypassing

Last week was Thanksgiving and in many LDS homes around the US, you might have seen people going around the table and discussing the things they are grateful for. Sometimes this is voluntary, sometimes it’s obligatory. In my home, it was both. 

What struck me this year was my children’s responses. Since January, my kids have gone through their parents’ divorce and separation, their mom’s diagnosis of a brain tumor which amounted to multiple hospital stays, and their dad’s job loss. For all accounts and purposes, this was an exceptionally difficult year. So while my kids had plenty to say about gratitude, they also had plenty to say about all of the hard things in their lives and it struck me how important it is for them to have space for both. 

There is plenty of sturdy research that extols the virtues of gratitude. Gratitude has been shown to improve things like psychological functioning, physical health, relationships, and even career development. Aligned with the research, gratitude is a cornerstone of Latter-day Saint teachings, often praised as a virtue that can transform lives, deepen faith, and provide strength during trials. But while gratitude has the potential to uplift and heal, I have seen in my own life and in the lives of others how the push for gratitude can easily fall into emotional bypassing.  This tendency becomes even more pronounced in discussions around the experiences of women within the church, where societal and cultural expectations of gratitude can intersect with gendered patterns of emotional labor and self-sacrifice.

What is Emotional Bypassing?

Emotional bypassing happens when individuals use spiritual or emotional practices—such as gratitude—to sidestep or suppress negative emotions, rather than processing and resolving them. This can look like using gratitude to dismiss feelings of pain, grief, or frustration by focusing solely on the blessings in your life. While counting blessings can be a helpful exercise, it can also prevent someone from fully engaging with the complexities of emotional or spiritual struggles.

For women, this dynamic often interacts with broader cultural expectations of nurturing, caregiving, and selflessness. LDS women are frequently encouraged to “choose joy,” serve others tirelessly, and focus on gratitude as a way to manage the stressors of their many responsibilities. While these principles are intended to seem empowering, they can inadvertently reinforce patterns where women feel pressured to ignore their own needs or silence their valid frustrations.

The Gendered Pressure to “Choose Joy”

In the church, gratitude is sometimes presented as a remedy for every emotional challenge, but the pressure to “choose joy” often falls disproportionately on women. Here’s some examples I’ve seen:

In motherhood: Mothers navigating exhaustion or postpartum depression may feel pressure to be “grateful” for their trials because motherhood is their most “divine role.” This might prevent them from having space to discuss their challenges or seek professional help.In leadership or service: Women in demanding callings may feel unable to voice feelings of overwhelm for fear of being seen as ungrateful or not up to the task.In discussions of equality: Women expressing concerns about gender inequities in church roles or policies might be told that they need to be more grateful for their roles.  This response can dismiss their concerns, implying that gratitude should override a desire for progress or change.

These well-meaning but dismissive responses reflect a broader cultural pattern where women’s voices are softened, their struggles minimized, and their resilience assumed.

Gratitude, Authenticity, and Empowerment

Gratitude should never be a weapon used to silence valid emotions or concerns, especially for women who may already carry a heavy burden of emotional labor within their families, communities, and church. Instead, gratitude can coexist with the full spectrum of human experience, including anger, grief, doubt, and the pursuit of change.

As women, the best way to ensure gratitude serves as a source of strength rather than a form of bypassing is by:

Honoring Emotions: When other women express pain or frustration, validate their feelings without rushing to reframe the narrative with gratitude. A mother overwhelmed by caregiving responsibilities or a woman grappling with systemic inequities needs empathy, not a lecture on blessings.Acknowledging Intersectionality: Women’s experiences in the church are diverse, and shaped by race, class, marital status, and more. Gratitude should not be weaponized to diminish the unique struggles faced by women in different circumstances.Embracing Advocacy as Gratitude: Advocating for change within the church or broader society can be an act of gratitude. By seeking to make the community more inclusive and equitable, women honor the blessings they’ve received by ensuring others can enjoy them too.Modeling Self-Compassion: Practice gratitude toward yourself—not just for your circumstances. Gratitude for your own strength, wisdom, and efforts can counteract the cultural narrative that a woman’s value lies solely in serving others.

Ultimately, gratitude can’t be beneficial unless it leaves space for a wide spectrum of experiences and emotions. Using gratitude to bypass difficult emotions is like drinking diet soda when you’re hungry. It might taste good and even fill you up for a while, but it can’t have healthy long-term effects because it’s not what your body is actually asking for. This is even more important for women who are consistently being handed Diet Coke and then told to “just be grateful for what they have” when they say they are still hungry. Be grateful for the good things, be sad/ angry/ upset about the bad things. There is enough space around the table for all of it.