How to help in a crisis
(Nimue)
When someone is in emotional crisis, what can you usefully do? First up, avoid anything that is largely about making you more comfortable. Telling people it’s not so bad, or it will be ok, that they are over-reacting, or misunderstanding is likely to make things worse for them and can feel really dismissive. Even if you think something like that is true, don’t start there. Soothe and calm them first, then get into the details.
Reassurance is good. Saying things like: I’m here, you aren’t on your own with this. We will figure this out. Reassurance helps take the edge off panic, and despair. Making it clear that you are there to help can do a lot to help someone in a crisis. You have to be prepared to follow through on that.
If there are practical things you can do, get in for those. Tissues and warm drinks, a blanket, a cushion, or other small scale interventions help. It also affirms that you are serious about sorting things out. If something or someone is causing the panic, get your distressed person away from that as a priority. Put them in a space where they can feel safer and this will help them calm down.
Listen to them. Really listen. Try to establish what has caused the problem. Don’t be dismissive. If it seems small to you, that’s because you don’t have their experience. The same if it makes no sense to you. Taking someone seriously is an absolute power move for helping them recover.
The odds are there’s going to be a real problem underpinning things. How much of it is about historical experience and how much is happening right now needs figuring out. If a person has been triggered then the key thing is making them feel safely present and helping them establish that they are safe, and that they’ve been triggered. If there is a threat to them that needs dealing with. If someone has accidentally triggered them, that needs taking onboard. Refusing to learn how to avoid triggering other people is a shitty response to distress.
If the problem is happening right now, it needs taking seriously. One of the things that untraumatized people often struggle to recognise is microaggression. When the distress is caused by an apparently small thing it can be tempting to tell the distressed person they’ve over-reacted. However, when you encounter a lot of microaggressions, that becomes something far bigger and more impactful. Context can be very important here.
Sometimes people have meltdowns because their expectations are way off. They may be spoiled, irrational, over-reacting and all the rest of it. On the whole it is better to assume that isn’t the case. People experiencing distress are likely to be soothed by care and attention. People faking distress because they need care and attention have genuine issues too, and if you suspect that then the answer is to provide attention on other terms.
If it seems like someone is having meltdowns only to manipulate you into doing what they want, then that’s very complicated. It may be the better choice to back away and not engage. Having a tantrum because you don’t get your own way can be about lack of maturity rather than the desire to manipulate, but this level of malfunction may require more guidance than a non-professional person can manage.
Not everyone presents distress in the same way. It’s always worth taking the time to try and understand.
