How to Identify + Deal With High Conflict Individuals

Are there people in your life who are conflict connoisseurs? People who really love stirring the pot, who are addicted to drama?

In response to you being upset, these types of people might rile you up or suggest you should be angrier rather than talking you off a ledge.

I know many of you are not into stirring the pot but find yourselves with high conflict lovers in your life, which can be stressful. That’s why I’m talking about high conflict versus healthy conflict, how to identify high-conflict people and protect yourself from them, and steps for more constructive ways to manage conflict.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The inspiration for this episode came from listening to an interview with journalist and author Amanda Ripley on the podcast, We Can Do Hard Things.

Amanda wrote a book called High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, which covers why “good people lose their minds in soul-crushing conflicts with co-workers, neighbors, grown siblings, or even national politicians they’ve never met.”

This is poignant because we live in a very polarized world. Many of you regularly ask me for advice on dealing with high conflict individuals, so let’s dive in!

Difference Between High Conflict and Healthy Conflict

High conflict is when people become so righteous they dig their heels in, make negative assumptions about those who hold a different position, and believe they are the only authority on the subject.

In high conflict, no one attempts to understand the other perspective. The focus is solely on crushing the opponent.

Amanda says healthy conflict invites curiosity because it’s centered around trying to understand and solve something together.

But in high-conflict situations, there’s no incentive to understand the other side and no room for curiosity because you can’t be simultaneously outraged and curious.

With high conflict, you have heroes and villains, and you’re always the hero or on the hero’s side. In healthy conflict, you recognize things are nuanced rather than black and white.

How to Identify High-Conflict Individuals

First, it helps to know the ‘conflict entrepreneurs’ (as Amanda calls them) in your life.

During her interview on We Can Do Hard Things, Amanda used her former colleague at The New York Times as an example.

This person would come into her office to stir the pot: “I heard they killed the story you were working on. Do you think it’s because you’re a woman?”

This woman couldn’t help but stick the knife in and twist it. Amanda was bummed that her story was killed, but she wanted Amanda to be outraged. When she left, Amanda often wondered if she should be more angry.

I used to have a friend who would call me saying, “I just heard the most horrible story I have to tell you!”

My immediate thought: Uhhh, you really don’t have to tell me. I don’t need to know. I’ve lived fine up until now without knowing!

Some folks are drawn to dramatic stuff, and it’s often helpful and appropriate to distance yourself from them (if you can).

I invite you to become aware of people who find every twist and turn of a conflict delightful, especially those who seek to prolong it.

Gossiping about something terrible, especially in a conflict, is attention-seeking behavior. Notice who’s fueled by hostility, contempt, or disgust when you’re in a stalemate of conflict. These are your conflict entrepreneurs.

In her book, Amanda also mentions that humiliation is a trait high-conflict individuals constantly employ.

Publicly tearing someone down perpetuates cycles of high conflict because the person who feels humiliated often seeks revenge.

She quotes Nelson Mandela: “There’s nobody more dangerous than one who’s been humiliated, even when you humiliate him rightly.”

By the way, high conflict can occur anywhere, even on your social media feeds!

How to Navigate High Conflict Situations and Individuals

Now that you’ve identified the high-conflict individuals in your life, let’s talk about how to deal with them.

Again, if you can, create distance from people who blow things up, get off on conflict, or are addicted to drama.

If distance isn’t possible, try to seek commonality. For example, maybe you’re working toward the same goal but in different ways, or share the same values but with different opinions.

Ultimately, we want to look at situations with more nuance. Life doesn’t only consist of heroes and villains. “All right/all wrong” thinking isn’t productive.

Inside the guide, you’ll find a list of questions you can ask to clarify what does and doesn’t need to be said during conflict, and whether or not you need to say it.

Amanda’s Looping Technique + IMAGO Therapy

In her book, Amanda talks about a conversational technique she calls looping, which reminds me of IMAGO Therapy (the work of Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt).

Both revolve around paraphrasing what you think the other person said to ensure you understood them correctly.

When someone finishes talking, you say, “If I heard you right…” or, “What I hear you saying is…”

You want to show them you’re invested in understanding them.

Plus, when you’re in a high-conflict situation, feeling like the other person is at least trying to understand you often releases pressure, which is why these techniques can de-escalate conflict.

Looping and IMAGO both offer the chance for clarification, which lessens the chance of misunderstandings, too.

Engaging in these powerful practices can slow the conversation down enough to operate from a place where we’re not as activated and can get curious (keys for healthy conflict!).

Download the guide for a step-by-step process on looping and an IMAGO therapy script. No matter what situation you find yourself in, expressing yourself effectively is helpful.

Additionally, if you’re confused about something while in conflict, it’s okay to say, “Please tell me more about that. I think this is what you’re saying… but am I right?”

So often, we’re not even having the same fight because too much is happening. Getting clarification can help us stay on the same page.

To set yourself up for success, it also helps to know in advance what or who activates you. For example, if you need to attend a family gathering and a high-conflict individual will be there, you can plan for how to handle them.

Beyond the language you’re using, be aware of your body language. Don’t take an aggressive stance if you’re not trying to be aggressive. Keeping calm (to the best of your ability) and not raising your voice can go a long way toward de-escalating a situation.

Rules of Engagement

I don’t think we can be healthy and never have conflict. You can’t avoid it forever, even if you’re conflict-avoidant, because eventually, you’ll grow resentful.

As I like to say, we can either talk it out or act it out, and avoiding conflict often leads to acting it out.

I’ve talked before about establishing fair fighting rules, and having rules of engagement for high-conflict situations is similar.

It’s also okay to have conflict when we’re building community. If you’ve ever been in one of my communities, you know we have rules of engagement that everyone agrees to as part of joining to prevent people from trampling on others.

For example, one of the rules is no unsolicited advice or feedback on posts. I encourage members who post to state their boundaries upfront and say, “I’m sharing to be witnessed and supported.” I tell commenters if they have something to share, they should ask permission: “I have a thought I’d love to share. If you’re open to it, let me know!”

Again, it’s okay for people to have some degree of conflict, but it’s important to behave respectfully and allow others to make their own decisions.

Speaking of community, have you heard about my new membership? When you join, you get access to my signature courses, four Q&A calls with me, and bi-monthly calls with coach Sarah from Team TC. Click here for all the details and to sign up.

I’ve loved connecting with members more often, and if you enjoy my work and like my style, I think you’ll get a lot out of it. The membership is also a great place to connect with other like-hearted individuals all on a similar journey.

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.